It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 13.3

Even though Ines clearly looked annoyed, Rayan didn’t give up.

 

“You still won’t tell me why you cried?”

 

“…”

 

“If you tell me, I won’t make the same mistake again.”

 

It had been more than ten days since that day, but Rayan still asked several times a day why she had cried so much. His persistence was annoying and exhausting.

 

In the end, Ines replied carelessly, just saying anything.

 

“I was angry and sad because I tried so hard not to give in… but I still gave in.”

 

It was just something she said without thinking, but once the words were out, she realized part of it was true.

 

Still, it didn’t really matter, so Ines continued without much thought.

 

“I also felt it was unfair that there’s only one man in my life—and that it’s you, of all people…”

 

“…”

 

“My head was just full of different thoughts. I don’t feel that way now, so please stop asking me the same thing.”

 

Rayan didn’t respond.

 

Only then did Ines feel a little guilty and looked up, finding him looking quite down.

 

She didn’t feel like comforting him, so she stayed quiet. Then, hesitating, he slowly opened his mouth.

 

“I’m trying really hard.”

 

“I see.”

 

“I mean it.”

 

“Yes. I think you do.”

 

Ines still sounded indifferent. Rayan was already used to her flat and emotionless replies.

 

“I’m not saying this because I want you to notice… or maybe I am. Maybe I do want you to notice.”

 

After a moment of hesitation, he mumbled with little confidence.

 

“Anyway, I’m not saying it because I want you to see me in a better light. I just want you to know how I feel now.”

 

“What are you trying so hard to do?”

 

“To not do the things you hate.”

 

For something said so carefully, it was a bit unexpected. What followed didn’t feel like an excuse, but it also wasn’t shameless.

 

“I’ve stopped guessing what you like. I realized I don’t know you well, so whatever I do probably won’t be right. It’s always been the wrong answer anyway.”

 

“…So?”

 

“So I decided to change the order. I’ll stop doing the things you hate first. After that, I’ll think about what you really want.”

 

“You know what I hate?”

 

“Lying, not letting you go outside, forcing you, following you…”

 

“…”

 

“Not trusting you.”

 

Rayan gently stroked her still-warm cheek as he whispered.

 

“I know this might sound ridiculous, but I’m really trying my best to stay in control…”

 

“…”

 

“So… please love me, Ines.”

 

“…”

 

“Tell me you love me often. So I don’t feel scared.”

 

“…I love you.”

 

He smiled, looking happy just from those words, but he still didn’t seem to truly believe her.

 

Ines leaned into him as he pulled her close and wrapped her arms around his neck. She kissed his slightly cooler cheek, and just like he always did to her, he buried his face in her collarbone.

 

“I love you.”

 

It still felt like it wasn’t enough, so Ines lifted her head to face him. She held his thin cheeks with both hands and kissed him—on the bridge of his nose, the tip of his nose, and finally on his lips.

 

“If you can’t believe me, I’ll keep saying it until you can. I love you, and I’ll always be by your side.”

 

“…Yeah.”

 

“Just like I’m trying to show my love, I want you to try harder too. I’ll believe that you really mean it when you say you won’t do the things I hate, Rayan.”

 

“…”

 

“You won’t, right? You won’t do those bad things?”

 

Rayan, who had been staring at her blankly, nodded as if in a daze.

 

In her reflection in his green eyes, she was smiling brightly—so brightly that even she was surprised.

 

Ines almost let out a hollow laugh.

 

‘I’ve gotten really good at this.’

 

Hiding her emotions in front of him, telling sweet lies—was it always this easy? It felt strangely simple.

 

“Swear you won’t do them.”

 

“You swear first. Say everything you just said was true.”

 

“What should I swear on? My body?”

 

“…Don’t say things like that.”

 

Rayan let out a strained breath and hugged her tightly, almost crushingly.

 

“It’s fine. You don’t have to swear. Even if it’s a lie, I’ll work hard to make it feel real.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Ines lowered her eyes, feeling the heat of their touching bodies. The sparkle of innocence that had once shone in his blue eyes was already gone.

 

She gently touched the bones of his back and quietly asked,

 

“Rayan. Are you happy?”

 

“…Yeah. I’m so happy, Ines. I love you.”

 

“If you’re happy, then I’m happy too.”

 

So please, enjoy this miracle-like happiness with all your heart.

 

Ines truly hoped these feelings would reach him.

 

 

Caesar had worried she’d be tired after just two hours of playing, but in reality, Ines took a longer nap than Caesar.

 

Well, she had spent a few hours doing something far more tiring than playing with a child, so it was natural that her energy had run out.

 

Rayan barely managed to get the sleepy Ines and Caesar to eat dinner before putting them back to bed.

 

By the time he returned to his office, it was already late at night.

 

“…”

 

His rough fingertips brushed over a stiff sheet of paper on his desk. It was a report his aide had organized and left that afternoon.

 

A detailed report of everything Ines had done during her outings over the past week.

 

Rayan stared at it for a long time. He stood there, unable to turn the pages, only touching the edge. He knew he shouldn’t open it.

 

Just a few hours ago, he had promised Ines. That he wouldn’t do things she hated—bad things. That he would try to trust her.

 

He really meant it when he said he was trying.

 

Though he had given the order to collect information, he hadn’t read a single report lately.

 

Still, he wasn’t sure where to draw the line on what kind of “report” was okay.

 

“Was there anything worth reporting from the doctor or the nanny?”

 

“Yes. First, this letter…”

 

A plain white envelope was placed on top of the thick report.

 

There were more than a few suspicious things about Robert, the physician who had treated the young master for two years, and Berry, the nanny.

 

First, Robert had recently sent a letter to a small coastal town called Seldor in Apael. The receiver was the owner of a small teahouse in Seldor.

 

Robert probably never thought his own actions would be investigated so thoroughly.

 

Rayan stared at the letter sealed with wax. His lips felt dry. He opened his tight throat and spoke in a rough voice.

 

“…The doctor used to send letters there every few months, right?”

 

There had been a woman and daughter living there who once helped him. Neia and Ronya, if he remembered correctly.

 

Rayan tried to reason with himself.

 

“It must be just a friendly greeting.”

 

That much he could tolerate. That, at least, had a believable reason.

 

But Robert wasn’t the only one being watched.

 

The identities and actions of everyone who interacted with Ines—or even exchanged a few words with Caesar—were reported to him in detail.

 

His eyes and ears were everywhere.

 

He had even planted a spy among the apprentice priests of La Celia.

 

He had hinted this to Edgar earlier today, so it would be harder to spy on La Celia now…

 

His aide, after watching him closely, carefully asked,

 

“Should I stop it, Your Highness?”

 

Rayan thought for a long time before finally giving his order.

 

“No. Don’t stop it.”

 

The unread documents in his hand became crumpled.

 

Rayan blankly looked down at his hand. His hand, gripping the crushed papers, was shaking.

 

He let out a bitter laugh and muttered,

 

“It must be nothing…”

 

“…”

 

Like he was trying to convince himself not to doubt, Rayan kept repeating the same words weakly.
It can’t be. It won’t be.

 

For some reason, he felt like crying. Rayan tried to breathe properly.
“Ah… damn it.”

 

He looked ridiculous, denying something that was so clear to see.
Even the aide listening to his messy muttering had a troubled face.

 

Rayan’s right hand was still wrapped in bandages. Ines had wrapped it herself, telling him to at least keep it on if he couldn’t keep his hand still — she had noticed his unconscious habit.

 

<If you can’t believe me, then I’ll keep saying it until you can. That I love you, and I’ll always stay by your side.>

 

Ines had been so kind these days.
She made him so happy it was impossible not to doubt.
If only he were a fool who could hear nothing but her words and couldn’t even think on his own — how much easier it would be.

 

“…There’s still time, Ines.”

 

Rayan grabbed a handful of letters and documents and brought them close to the candleholder.
The paper began to burn black, releasing a bitter smoke.

 

He muttered pleas that wouldn’t reach her, lying right above him in the bedroom, dreaming sweet dreams with their son.
“It’s not too late. I’ll pretend I don’t know, so stop now.”

 

The departure date of the pilgrimage group, which he had known for more than two weeks already, was next Friday.

 

 

A new week began.
Nothing much had changed between Ines and Rayan compared to the week before.
Just like he had for the past month and a half, Rayan didn’t want to be apart from her or Caesar, not even for a moment.

 

Ines had gotten used to him carrying her around. When he suddenly picked her up or hugged her from behind and covered her with kisses, she just accepted it.

 

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”
“I think I’ll stop by the workshop. The little wooden boat Caesar plays with keeps tipping over and he falls into the water a lot. I’d like them to make it bigger and more stable.”
“Alright. Then what about the day after?”
“Wednesday, right? I need to go to the cathedral. I’ll see His Majesty too. If you’re going to ask about Thursday too, I’m thinking of practicing horseback riding. I think I can handle riding lightly around the capital now.”
“…Okay.”

 

Rayan lowered his head and placed his lips on her neck.
He could feel her steady, beating pulse through his lips.

 

“Then what about Friday?”
There was a slight pause, but Rayan’s voice remained calm. He continued speaking without taking his lips off her neck.
“I’ll be away at the northern border of Lezan from Saturday to Tuesday. So be with me on Friday.”