It's Too Late for Regrets - Chapter 11.12

However, if you peeled away even the thinnest layer, underneath it all was everyone’s deep anxiety, stacked one over another.

 

By now, everyone in the mansion knew that Ines’s memory was still incomplete. That was because Rayan had mentioned it himself and ordered them not to say anything that might upset her.

 

She still couldn’t remember the most important thing — most of what had happened between her and her husband.

 

That’s why Rayan couldn’t feel at ease even after he brought her back. His calmness was like a paper-thin piece of glass that trembled at the slightest breeze.

 

So the recent peace was nothing more than a fleeting dream, destined to shatter the moment she regained her full memory.

 

The only one who truly felt at peace was Ines herself.

 

“This might be the only time I get to be with both Mom and Dad.”

 

With that sad thought, Caesar buried his face again into Ines’s arms.

 

The carriage arrived at the foot of a hill in Nois just before the sun reached its peak.

 

Berry, who had come along, spread a wide and soft cloth under a large tree at the top of the hill.

 

“Are you okay, Lady Ines? Let me know if anything feels uncomfortable.”

 

“I’m fine. The wind feels nice.”

 

The thick leaves created plenty of shade, so there was no need for anything else to block the sun.

 

The ribbons tied under her soft chin fluttered gently in the breeze.

 

It was a very pleasant afternoon.

 

Ines held Caesar’s hand and dipped their feet into the stream. They played a game to see who could find the prettiest pebble. All the pebbles they collected were placed inside a small silk pouch Ines had brought with her.

 

Rayan simply watched them from where he leaned against a thick tree trunk, not wanting to interrupt their moment. Ines did her best to avoid even accidentally making eye contact with him when she felt his gaze.

 

“Should we come on more picnics together now?”

 

“I’d like that.”

 

“We can. If you want to come again, we’ll come anytime.”

 

“Okay. If I can come.”

 

Ines paused and looked closely at Caesar’s face with a heavy heart.

 

Every time the child responded like this, she felt a strong sense of déjà vu.

 

Because she hadn’t been there for him during the past two years, she often told him, I’ll never leave you again. But…

 

It didn’t really seem like Caesar believed her. He always looked like he thought they would be separated again someday.

 

“…Hey, Caesar. Don’t you want Mom… to get her memories back?”

 

“Hmm, I don’t know.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“I don’t like it when people hurt, Mom.”

 

“You think I’ll be hurt if I get my memories back?”

 

“No, not that….”

 

After hesitating, Caesar gently dropped a small round pebble into her palm.

 

“I just wish no one would hurt anymore… But someone always does. Even if you become Mom again or not, I think it’ll be the same. So I don’t really know.”

 

“….”

 

“But right now, I just like playing with you, Mom!”

 

Caesar smiled brightly and started splashing in the water again with his little hands.

 

But the child, who had always been weak, quickly ran out of energy. Rayan, who had been watching quietly, came down to the stream and lifted him into his arms.

 

After eating a special sandwich prepared by the chef, Caesar seemed even sleepier. He quickly fell asleep, breathing softly. He normally couldn’t stay outside for long, so after nearly two hours of playing, he was completely worn out.

 

“….”

 

Holding her sleeping son in her arms, Ines lowered her gaze. Many complicated emotions passed quickly through her dim blue eyes.

 

Rayan noticed her unease immediately.

 

“Why that look, Ines?”

 

Her answer came after a brief pause.

 

“…I was just thinking… isn’t Caesar too mature for his age?”

 

Rayan agreed with that.

 

Even when Caesar was just four, he had seen and understood far more than most kids his age.

 

“I remember a night… from before.”

 

Her small voice stopped his thoughts cold. Rayan could hardly believe his ears.

 

“What… do you remember?”

 

“I think it was right before I died. At night, I was lying in bed with Caesar in a cold room.”

 

“….”

 

“I must have known I was going to die. I remember saying goodbye to him. I told him, thank you for coming to me. I wasn’t even that sad when I said it.”

 

Rayan instinctively knew that she was talking about the memory she had recalled on the day she first returned to the mansion.

 

It was a story between Ines and Caesar that he didn’t know.

 

A chill ran through his entire body, like his blood was being drained while he was still alive.

 

He didn’t dare look at her. He just kept listening quietly as she spoke.

 

“I told him, I just want everything to be over quickly. I said that in front of Caesar. I thought he was asleep, but maybe he heard everything.”

 

Just like Rayan couldn’t turn to look at her, Ines didn’t try to look at him either.

 

It wasn’t even really something she was saying to him—it was more like talking to herself.

 

Even though Caesar had grown taller and gained weight in the last two years, he was still smaller than most kids his age. That had been bothering her.

 

“…He’s six now.”

 

She had taken care of many children his age during her year and a half at Elroin Monastery.

 

Compared to those children, Caesar still looked like he wasn’t even five yet.

 

When she had Caesar, she had already been slowly dying. Maybe that was why his small and fragile body felt like it was her fault.

 

Also, her time at the monastery taught Ines how sensitive children could be—sometimes even more than adults.

 

“I thought he wouldn’t remember me because he was so young. I even thought that was a good thing. I wanted to leave before he grew older…”

 

But what if that wasn’t true? What if he had sensed how she felt?

 

Her growing anxiety showed in the slight trembling of her fingers.

 

“Maybe that’s why he couldn’t even say he missed me…”

 

“Mom got really sick because of me. She said she was sorry and then left…”

 

Since receiving the archbishop’s blessing at the cathedral, Ines had recovered several memories over the past few days. Most of them were small moments shared between her and Caesar.

 

In those memories, Caesar was always smiling, and watching him made Ines feel incredibly happy.

 

But along with that joy came the painful memories of her own thoughts at those times.

 

From the moment she had gotten pregnant with Caesar, she had always felt guilty toward him. Even before he was born, she felt sorry—like she had made him into a sinner.

 

And after giving birth, even though his presence gave her comfort, it also felt like she had been preparing for the end the entire time he was growing up.

 

A sensitive child like him probably sensed her feelings, even if he didn’t understand the exact meaning.

 

“…I must’ve been so irresponsible and cowardly.”

 

“….”

 

“If he had been born to a better mother, he wouldn’t have been so sick, he wouldn’t have been so lonely, and…”

 

The rest of her whisper, weak as a thread, stabbed not only her heart but also the heart of the man sitting right next to her.

 

Rayan’s lips turned cold.

 

It was a small mercy that Ines couldn’t see his face just then.

 

He didn’t dare breathe—he feared it would show how badly he was shaking.

 

“…It’s not your fault.”

 

Only after forcing his twisted expression into calmness did Rayan kneel in front of her.

 

Ines slowly lifted her head from looking down at her sleeping son. Her pale, small face—so small his hand could cover it—was streaked with tears.

 

He gently started wiping away her tears with his thumb.

 

“Don’t blame yourself. If anyone is at fault, it’s me for leaving you alone.”

 

“….”

 

“I should’ve spent more time with you and Caesar. You have no idea how much I regret that.”

 

He had often seen visions of his wife and son from the garden, watching them from afar.

 

But the one who should feel guilt was him—not her.

 

“It’s because I failed as a father. Not because you were a bad mother. So the one who should cry and repent is me, not you.”

 

He caressed her cheek and kept whispering reassuring words.

 

“Nothing’s broken. Nothing’s wrong, Ines. Our son will stay healthy. He won’t be lonely anymore. He’ll always be with you, the one he loves most.”

 

Ines quietly looked down at his green eyes.

 

He really was a strange man.

 

Just the way he looked, the unwavering eyes, the way he spoke—as if everything he said was simply the natural truth.

 

The more she tried to break him down, the more she wanted to believe him. Again and again.

 

Even though it was partly his fault that she and Caesar had been so lonely…

 

When Rayan said It’s not your fault, and We’ll be happy, it felt like it could actually come true.

 

Maybe it was because he always found the perfect moment to fill the empty spaces in her heart.

 

She noticed the faint red lines around his green eyes. Quietly, she asked,

 

“Did you sleep last night?”

 

She already knew he hadn’t. Faint light from the next room had crept onto the balcony till dawn.

 

She even heard the duke’s servants whispering.

 

“Are you sure we’re not supposed to bring it in?”
“That’s what he said. Since Her Highness came, even a single tea leaf falling could get us all killed…”

 

“Do you want to sleep?”

 

The words came out without much thought. Rayan frowned the moment he heard them.

 

“I’m not doing that. I’m not falling into your trap again…”

 

“That’s not what I meant. I meant, get some sleep.”

 

Ines handed Caesar over to him and fixed her skirt around her knees.

 

“Caesar’s sleeping too. So you should rest as well.”