I Thought I Was Married, But I Was Left Alone, So I'll Live as I Please. So Please Don't Mind Me Anymore, My Lord of the Border - Chapter 20

Only the dry sound of a pen tracing across paper echoed through the office.

Though a gentle night breeze drifted in through the window, in this room alone, it felt as though time had stopped—and my heart along with it.

“Was this truly for the best?”

Just a short while ago, Count Grey had submitted the documents to annul our engagement, right at the deadline for his return to the royal capital.

It shouldn’t have been long since I handed them over, but from the moment I sealed the envelope after writing them, a hollow void had remained gaping in my chest.

Nia kept asking me the same question over and over.

“It’s not for the best.”

And I kept giving her the same reply.

This time too, without lifting my eyes from the paper, I squeezed out the words.

It was the truth. It was absolutely not for the best.

But when he asked me with those earnest eyes, I could only nod in agreement.

Even when I handed the documents to Count Grey, I wanted to take them back, to say “never mind” over and over.

But when I remembered Ash’s face, I had no choice but to give up.

The reason Nia kept asking the same question wasn’t about whether the documents were right or wrong. It was because she was worried, wondering “Do you really intend to let Ash go?” and “Will you be alright?”

Nia, my aide, knew better than anyone how deeply I felt about Ash.

But even if we had continued the engagement, I wouldn’t have been able to win Ash’s heart.

I understood that from the look on Ash’s face back then.

I regretted it. I never wanted to do it.

I, too, was clinging to lingering attachments, stumbling along.

But there was nothing to be done about it.

Even now, I couldn’t forget our last kiss.

The feel of trembling lips, the saltiness of tears.

It was sweet, painful, and sad.

“…Haa.”

A sigh escaped me unconsciously.

I had let go of my position as fiancé.

But I had not the slightest intention of giving up on Ash.

At first, I only thought of them favorably.

But the more I got to know them, the more I was drawn to that person.

Their strong will. Unshakable conviction. The kindness that moved them to act selflessly for others without hesitation.

And yet, when it came to matters of love, they were utterly clueless. The way they’d blush bright red if you flirted with them was adorable.

After seeing all that, there was no way I wouldn’t fall for them.

Back then, I was driven by busyness and had lost all composure.

I only wanted the medicine, but I was stuck with a fiancé as an unwanted extra.

I took my frustration and irritation out on Ash.

Even though they had done nothing wrong.

If only I hadn’t been so stubborn, if only I hadn’t refused to even lift my head like some childish fool.

“If from the beginning… back then, if I had lifted my head. Would something have changed?”

I recalled how things were back then and tried to imagine.

The pale skin peeking out from beneath the dust-covered robe, the long eyelashes casting down, the face—neglected yet undeniably appealing to my tastes.

Eyes like the night sky, large enough to swallow you whole.

I would have been captivated by all of it, I would have been interested.

If I had treated them properly, Ash would have helped me learn the true state of the territory, just like now.

They would have demonstrated their abilities as “my fiancé,” building a record of contributions to this border territory of Graphica.

We would have solved the Kreuz problem together too. And by now, Ash might have been my wife.

It was my stupid pride and stubbornness that led to this outcome.

I let out a small breath.

Two years ago.

When I first saw them at the Alchemist Association, I couldn’t help but gasp.

To think someone so perfectly suited to my tastes had been working so hard for this territory.

My heart leaped.

I wanted to become close.

The despair I felt when I learned that person was my own fiancé. Even now, remembering it makes my stomach ache.

There’s nothing more irritating than advances from someone you’ve completely written off.

Even so, Ash faced me, albeit with complaints.

Even the investigation into the demon forest. It was true I wanted Ash’s power.

But to be honest, I also had the ulterior motive of wanting to show off my cool side.

I didn’t mind if we couldn’t close the distance right away.

I thought it would be enough just to be by their side, to let them get to know me over time.

But an unexpected accident with aphrodisiac gas led us to cross each other’s boundaries unintentionally.

When I asked about a way to undo its effects, Ash, in a dazed state, grabbed me with trembling hands and cried, “I want you.”

I know it was an accident, and they weren’t in their right mind. So maybe I shouldn’t take those words at face value as their true feelings.

Even so, at that moment, Ash’s eyes were fixed on me alone.

They looked at me with heated eyes, as if they’d found something they desperately wanted.

The sound of them calling my name, the feel of their fingers clinging to me. It’s all still burned into me, refusing to fade.

It feels like it was just yesterday, yet in reality, they were always just out of reach.

Ash always drew a line with me.

They’re stubborn—once they decide something, they never bend, and if they don’t want you to step closer, they won’t let you near.

Even if that distance never closed for my entire life, I was prepared for that. Or so I thought.

That’s why that night, when Ash said, “If it’s not you, I don’t want it,” and sought me out, it was unbearably precious to me.

I was so happy, so blissful, I almost doubted it was a dream. By the end, I’d lost count of how many times we embraced.

What was supposed to be a one-time thing came again with the afterglow, and by the time we left the forest, the distance between us had visibly shrunk in everyone’s eyes.

That expedition was a great success, both publicly and privately.

…And yet, Ash slipped from my grasp.

I never thought reconnecting a severed bond would be this difficult.

Even so, I want to reach out again and again until I can grasp it.

Noticing my pen had stopped moving on the paper, I slowly exhaled.

Once again, I felt certain.

I really can’t imagine anyone but Ash.

Remembering, I let out a longer sigh than before.

“Your hand has stopped.”

“…I know.”

I knew, but my pen just wandered aimlessly over the paper, refusing to move forward.

Ever since I submitted the annulment documents, I’ve been completely useless.

I have no intention of giving up.

But showing up to see Ash right after annulling the engagement would only make things difficult for them.

Besides, I couldn’t find a reason to go see them again.

Using training and paperwork as excuses, I shut myself in the manor.

Outside the window, dawn was beginning to break, but my time remained shrouded in darkness.