I Thought I Was Married, But I Was Left Alone, So I'll Live as I Please. So Please Don't Mind Me Anymore, My Lord of the Border - Chapter 18

Only we remained in the room.

“Let’s talk again later.”

With those words, Count Grey left. The silence and heavy atmosphere he left behind lingered in the room.

Even the sunlight streaming through the window, which had felt warm just moments ago, now seemed somehow cold.

It was Lord Oliver who broke the silence.

“Ash, is it truly impossible?”

“…Yes.”

“I don’t want anyone but you.”

His voice trembled.

As he held me, I buried my face against his shoulder, feeling his warm body temperature so intensely it almost hurt.

That warmth was so painfully gentle that when I closed my eyes, tears welled up.

“Lord Oliver, I apologize for having let you hope for so long.”

My lips felt dry.

Each word I spoke felt like tearing my throat open with bitterness.

“Is there no hope left? What did I do wrong? Was it because of my mistake back then?”

“I hold no resentment about that matter anymore.”

“Then why…?”

Why—

That single word pierced deep into my heart.

There was something standing like a pillar of guilt in my chest.

The contract that Kreuz had proposed to Graphica.

I had once asked Lord Oliver about the exact terms of this engagement contract.

But he had been reluctant to speak.

I wanted to know so badly that I kept pressing him until he finally told me.

The contents were far worse than the rumors I’d heard.

Unilateral price-setting authority. Clauses that couldn’t be contested.

A contract that forced this repeatedly rejected engagement upon them, acting as if it were a favor while stacking countless terms favorable only to Kreuz.

In essence, it was just a piece of paper designed to suck Graphica dry.

A cruel act that my parents would never have allowed if they were alive.

If I had known the details before coming here, I would have bowed in apology the moment we met.

Actually, when I learned the specifics, I turned pale and immediately bowed to Lord Oliver.

Now I realize how generous he was to simply be cold to me at our first meeting. Just taking out his frustration on me.

From his perspective at that time, I was “one of those from Kreuz who forced that terrible contract upon him.”

Even though I hadn’t known, I had done something inexcusable.

When I ran away from the mansion and started making medicine here, most of the contract became meaningless.

I had unintentionally ruined my uncle’s scheme.

Still, that doesn’t make the guilt disappear.

And yet.

When he apologized to me, he made no excuses, simply and sincerely admitting his own faults.

Remembering that makes it hurt even more.

I’m the one who should truly be blamed.

When I said that, Lord Oliver smiled and told me, “Ash, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

I closed my eyes in the warmth of Lord Oliver’s embrace.

The gentle scent I’d grown accustomed to filled my chest.

This would be the last time too.

I’m proud that he came to care for me this much.

“Ash…”

He called my name with a desperate tone.

I raised my face and looked into Lord Oliver’s gentle green eyes.

“Lord Oliver…”

I hesitated as I began to speak.

Lord Oliver is a wonderful person.

As a ruler, as a knight, and as a human being.

Sometimes stubborn, forceful, inflexible, and troublesome.

But that’s precisely why he’s straightforward, sincere, and kinder to the weak than anyone else.

When did I start feeling happy about being wanted by Lord Oliver?

There could be no better marriage partner.

But he is a Margrave.

The center of this country’s defensive wall.

What’s required of his spouse is lineage, family status, and political power.

The fallen House of Kreuz.

As a member of that family, there’s no way I could stand by the side of someone in such an important position.

If my parents were alive and the Kreuz territory remained healthy,

This engagement would have been a match everyone approved of.

But now, the Kreuz territory is rotting in my uncle’s hands.

I can’t let my connection to such a place tarnish his honor.

My uncle is obsessed with money and power.

I learned from that contract that he’ll stop at nothing to get them.

If we continue this engagement, my greedy uncle’s evil hands will surely reach Lord Oliver again in the near future.

Just imagining it makes my blood run cold.

This time, I will protect Graphica and Lord Oliver.

It’s been four years since I came here.

I’ve found comrades. I’ve gained the power to fight back. Finally, I’m ready to move.

If I confessed that I intend to reclaim Kreuz, Lord Oliver would undoubtedly offer his help without hesitation.

If we had built a strong bond as fiancés from the beginning, if I had already become his wife, I might have chosen to accept that help.

But I’ve never accepted my position as his fiancée.

No matter how much Lord Oliver treated me as his fiancée, I was the one who kept rejecting that title.

It’s too half-hearted to rely on him only when it’s convenient for me.

So, I can’t depend on him.

This is, from beginning to end, only for my own convenience.

Deciding to reclaim Kreuz, wanting to keep him away from my uncle’s reach—

All of it is what I chose on my own.

A future by Lord Oliver’s side, or the territory my parents left behind.

If I can only choose one—

I have no choice but to choose the Kreuz territory.

Recovering that place is something only I can do.

As the legitimate bearer of the Kreuz name, I can’t abandon that land.

When I gently pushed Lord Oliver’s shoulder, he moved away without resistance.

That felt lonely.

I’m losing forever the right to be by his side.

Only at such a moment did I finally understand my own feelings.

The truth is, more than anyone, I want to be with you.

That’s precisely why—

“The person I am now is not worthy of you.”

My voice was weaker and sadder than I expected.

The next moment, he embraced me tightly again.

So tight it hurt, so warm.

My breath caught in my chest.

“…Even so, I won’t give up on you.”

The low voice whispered near my ear.

This person is always so straightforward, and that’s why it hurts.

“You’re stubborn.”

“You know that.”

“Yes.”

How could I not know?

I’ve learned that over these four years.

“But… our engagement ends here.”

After a brief silence, he nodded as if biting his lip.

“…I understand.”

My heart felt like it would tear apart at that strained voice.

This is for the best. This should be for the best.

“Ash.”

At his gentle voice, I instinctively looked up.

“May I… kiss you?”

That question felt like a farewell ritual.

“Yes.”

I replied without hesitation.

Our lips met, and the moment they touched, tears finally fell.

The salty taste mixed with tears flowed with quiet heat, as if burning away the last fragments of my heart.

“…Mmm…”

Once we part, this warmth and these memories will fade.

So I want to remember them, even just a little longer.

Over and over, I pressed my lips to his.

Eventually, he pulled away and smiled faintly.

His face, smiling softly with tears glistening at the corners of his eyes,

Was terribly beautiful, and unfair.

“…Even so, I love you and can’t give up on you.”

Those whispered words soaked into my heart and disappeared.

My tears became even more unstoppable.

Ah, the truth is.

I feel the same way.