I Heard That I am a HeartBreaker - Chapter 24

Terrified, Qiu Shuang even slept on Qi Sijiao’s bed tonight, no longer caring what the person might have thought of her before.

All she knew was that this person was a living, sound individual, a life that radiated warmth in the darkness.

She needed warmth, she needed an embrace.

Although Qi Sijiao was very heartbroken, she couldn’t help but feel a little happy seeing the other person voluntarily coming to her bed.

She felt like she was probably going crazy too. She actually fantasized, “What if Senior Sister was afraid every day in the future? Would she still rely on me like this?”

The next morning, Qiu Shuang returned to normal, as if the person from last night was not her at all, and it seemed as if nothing had happened between her and Chen Wanjun.

She sat calmly next to the other person. Chen Wanjun looked at her composure and fell into deep thought.

“Qiu Shuang, I will seek treatment and take my medication properly. Let’s pretend that what happened yesterday never occurred. I won’t do that again.”

“…”

Qiu Shuang kept her head down. For some reason, Chen Wanjun felt that the aura Qiu Shuang gave her was completely different from before.

Qiu Shuang felt as if everything in front of her had vanished. She was back in those beautiful high school years, as if everything was just a dream.

She could wait for this class to end and then walk home with the other person. Even though it was only a rented apartment and not quite a home, Qiu Shuang always felt that when she was with her, it was a home.

Back then, Chen Wanjun always came home very late because she was juggling several part-time jobs. Qiu Shuang would always wait for her under the streetlamp. Later, everything changed. The other person moved back to the school dormitory, leaving her alone in the empty house.

In the past, she had yearned for the other person on countless nights. But now, the other person was no longer the one she had known. Yet, Qiu Shuang had to admit that deep down, she had once harbored tolerance.

She wanted to tell herself to give up all possibilities, but people always return to that harbor of memories in the lonely night.

Forever lost in the myriad of past fantasies, such a person is destined to be lost in the port of recollection.

Are money and so-called status really that important? Qiu Shuang didn’t understand. She only recalled the painful eyes she saw in the rain that day, completely different from the genius she was usually familiar with.

From that day on, she became obsessed with this splendid fantasy.

She was unwilling to accept it, but when the very thing she had been anticipating finally descended upon her, she no longer wanted it.

Qiu Shuang was thinking about a question: The other person wished in their youth that she would only have them as a friend, that her focus would always be on them, and that she would always prioritize them.

Chen Wanjun, am I your lover or your possession?

Qiu Shuang was Chen Wanjun’s best luxury item. The other person gained a sense of superiority from her because Qiu Shuang liked Chen Wanjun, not Song Ya.

Thus, in this world where people generally believe wealth is superior to poverty in the secular sense:

Chen Wanjun won for the first time because love never needed the measure of wealth.

Qiu Shuang didn’t know the future would turn out like this. She once thought that time would give her the best answer, but the fact is, the other person submitted the answer before her.

That was death.

“I don’t know what to do. I have no way. Just do whatever you want in the future.”

Qiu Shuang decided to just give up. “Whatever, at worst it’s just one life. If it comes down to it, I’ll just die.”

She felt perhaps she was too naive, always assuming everything in the world could have a clear answer.

She used to wonder why people in TV shows and those who argued could never say what they truly wanted to say.

It turns out that in the face of love, everyone is mute.

Pursuing endless distortion, burning each other’s youthful years, and composing a painful rest of their lives.

Perhaps they loved each other, but they were destined for suffering.

“…If only there was a rewind button for regret. Do you think we’ll have a next life?”

“You’re truly insane.”

“Yes, I’m insane. I regretted it long ago. I am not an outstanding person. I was running away from your affection for me. I was afraid you would see the emptiness beneath this so-called strength.”

Chen Wanjun was afraid that her true self, once expressed, would be feared by everyone. People always seem to be like this—to pursue a fleeting sense of dignity, they package themselves into the very image they despise.

Chen Wanjun regretted it. She always thought she would forever be the other person’s first choice, thought that people could last forever, and thought that the human heart wouldn’t change. But the reality is, everything has an expiration date.

“I only beg you to forgive me, just like before, as friends. Perhaps I will pursue you, but you don’t have to respond to me. This is my fault, my sin. Please don’t ever disappear from my world, or I truly can’t bear that fear.”

Qiu Shuang fell silent. Why was she a person with a firm sense of self? Why did she always have to be a good person?

If she were a complete jerk, how wonderful that would be. If she were a heartless person, how wonderful that would be. She could ignore the other person’s suffering. But she couldn’t do it, nor could she accept turning into that kind of terrifying person.

Qiu Shuang didn’t know how she left that classroom. She walked down the street in the light rain, looking a bit miserable without an umbrella, but she didn’t care.

The continuous drizzle hitting her body and the chill carried by the wind seemed to remind her that she was still alive, until she heard a familiar voice—it was Lu Chen.

She heard the sound of footsteps, which was no different from the past, only slightly more urgent. A black umbrella appeared over her head.

“Shuang shuang, why didn’t you bring an umbrella?”

“I…”

Qiu Shuang lowered her head. She felt like she was a complete failure. She couldn’t figure out love, and it seemed that even her friendships were based on mutual needs.

It was difficult for her to attract genuine friends based on her own charm, wasn’t it?

Lu Chen could see that Qiu Shuang was not in a good state. She pulled the other person into a pavilion and sat beside her.

“Shuang shuang, have you ever thought about how humans came to be? Maybe many years ago, our ancestors were sitting here just like us. There was no pavilion here back then. They could look up at the starry sky. We have crossed countless spans of time with them, yet we gaze upon the same world.”

“In the face of this world, we are so tiny. In the face of time, we are nothing. So-called pain is but a fleeting moment.”

“Perhaps.”

Qiu Shuang looked up; the rain was about to stop.

“Lu Chen, am I a very annoying person?”

“Why would you say that? You’ve always been a very good person in my eyes. You always help others and do everything within your capability, even helping girls you don’t have a good relationship with.”

“I understand your pain because you always prioritize everyone else over yourself. It’s a bad habit and you should try to change it. But I think there must be many people in the world like you, Shuang shuang. If everyone in this world only looked out for themselves, would they truly be happy? I don’t think so.”

Lu Chen fell silent, seemingly recalling some unpleasant things, and let out a sigh.

“Qiu Shuang, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just too hard on yourself.”

Qiu Shuang didn’t know why, but whenever she was with this desk-mate of hers from three years of high school, her heart was always so calm, like being submerged in a vast and boundless sea.

The other person always seemed to be like this, as if capable of solving all problems, always treating her so gently and considerately.

Qiu Shuang was silent, then she told Lu Chen about the terrible things she had experienced recently. The other person frowned after listening.

Chen Wanjun was more ruthless than she had imagined.

The other person’s behavior was both offensive and an attempt at manipulation. Perhaps they had known each other for too long. In other words, those who are spoiled know where the bottom line is.

If anyone other than Chen Wanjun had done these things, Qiu Shuang would have left without looking back.

But for Chen Wanjun, Qiu Shuang only felt pain. She was so jealous of the other person.

She was jealous that the other person possessed all this yet didn’t cherish it. Because of the beautiful filter of the past and those moments of timely help, the other person seemed to always have a free pass.

“Shuang shuang, do you still love her?”

If Chen Wanjun were here now, she would surely be eagerly anticipating the answer to this question. But honestly, Lu Chen was far more expectant of this answer than she was.

She didn’t want to be a so-called fleeting fancy or a brief transitional phase. She wanted to be the other person’s one and only, for life.

So, she had to prepare everything to absolutely ensure that she would be chosen, that Qiu Shuang would willingly choose her, and could only choose her.

“To be honest, I don’t know. My mind is a mess. Actually, when she first said she fell in love with me, I felt like I was going crazy. I really wanted to say yes to her. After all, she was the person I had loved for most of my youth. But my rational mind told me I couldn’t.”

“Lu Chen, I don’t want to be someone who can’t see the light of day. I don’t want to be a so-called roommate or a ‘best friend’ in other people’s eyes. I want to openly tell everyone I meet who my lover is and who I am the lover of.”

Speaking of this, Qiu Shuang’s eyes dimmed considerably.

“How does Chen Wanjun act? She is not a lesbian; she just likes me. She might be willing to give her life for me, but she will never come out. All she wants is a brief peace, or maybe an outburst of possessiveness.”

“She is just used to controlling me, and I am just used to being controlled by her.”

Lu Chen looked at Qiu Shuang. The other person had started biting her lip again. Lu Chen smiled. She had always known that Qiu Shuang was a good girl, a good-natured person, and… a patient.

She was no longer sure when she started realizing that Qiu Shuang was a complete maniac.

Perhaps it was when the other person constantly bit the flesh of her lips, picked at her skin, or secretly used a thimble to pierce her own fingernails.

Qiu Shuang had a mental illness. Only Lu Chen knew this.

At first, she didn’t understand. She despised the other person’s pain. But then, a strange emotion completely replaced this. She craved to pursue the truth hidden beneath layers of suffering.

Wanting to be with a mentally ill person sounds like it’s even more mentally ill.

But people are always like this, finding the wrong spot in the wrong link and stubbornly walking toward it.

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