I Crossed Over with My Enemy, Only to Find Him Running the Empire - Chapter 31

Chapter 31: Cow Dung Pellets

As soon as they sat down, Zhang Jinhua impatiently began detailing her son’s condition: “Divine Physician, you must save my son, Tie Niu! He had a high fever as a child, and after that, his mind hasn’t been right. He doesn’t recognize people, can’t speak clearly, and just smiles foolishly all day… But his body is healthy, and he’s strong. Please take a look—can he still be cured?”

Physician Gong’s eyes swept back and forth over Wu Ya, his withered fingers stroking the few sparse hairs on his chin.

The room was so quiet you could hear the clucking of a hen outside the window. Zhang Jinhua stood to the side, her hands nervously twisting the hem of her coarse cloth tunic.

Li Qiaoqiao stayed close to Wu Ya, one hand gently patting his back.

“Everyone else, out,” the young apprentice said in a high-pitched voice. “Master needs peace and quiet for a diagnosis. Crowding in here is unacceptable!”

Mrs. Wei from the First House curled her lip. “Hmph, putting on airs just for a checkup.” Before she could finish, Zhang Jinhua glared at her in silence.

“First House Wife, take your people out,” Zhang Jinhua commanded. “Don’t get in the way of the Divine Physician treating Tie Niu.”

Mrs. Wei sullenly twisted her body and left, and the members of the other houses followed suit, leaving only Zhang Jinhua and Li Qiaoqiao in the room.

Physician Gong sat on the edge of the kang bed and reached out to take Wu Tie Niu’s pulse.

Unexpectedly, the moment he touched the wrist, Wu Tie Niu suddenly surged up with a howl, looking as if he were about to pounce.

“Ai-ya, Mama!” The physician recoiled in fright, nearly falling off the bed.

Li Qiaoqiao quickly stepped forward to hold Wu Tie Niu down. “Tie Niu, be good. This is the Divine Physician who’s here to treat you. Don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid.” As she cooed softly, she gave Wu Tie Niu a secret pinch.

Only then did Wu Tie Niu slowly settle down, though his eyes remained fixed on the physician with a death stare, a low growl of threat vibrating in his throat.

Zhang Jinhua breathed a sigh of relief. “Qiaoqiao has a way with him; Tie Niu only listens to her.”

Physician Gong straightened his robes, feigning composure. “It is no matter, no matter. Those afflicted are often thus.” With that, he took the pulse again, closing his eyes and swaying his head for a good while.

Li Qiaoqiao sneered inwardly, but on the surface, she complimented him: “The Physician takes the pulse so thoroughly.”

The apprentice interjected from the side, “My Master’s skills are ancestral; who in the surrounding ten miles doesn’t know him?”

After taking the pulse, the physician checked the tongue coating and flipped the eyelids, the whole process looking quite professional. Several times Wu Tie Niu looked ready to snap again, but Li Qiaoqiao calmed him just in time.

Finally, the physician stroked his beard and mused, “This symptom is a case of phlegm confusing the heart and stagnant blood blocking the brain. It is difficult to treat, yet easy to treat. This old man has an ancestral secret recipe. It only requires two steps to ensure your son’s recovery.”

Zhang Jinhua’s eyes lit up, and she stepped forward. “Please speak, Divine Physician! As long as Tie Niu can be cured, we are willing to pay any price.”

Physician Gong gave a slight nod and shot a look at the apprentice.

The apprentice immediately pulled a delicate porcelain bottle from the wooden box he carried and respectfully handed it to the physician.

“First step: he must take my ‘Leg-Stretching Eyes-Bulging Pill’ for seven consecutive days.” Physician Gong pulled the stopper, pouring out a pitch-black, oily pill. “This is refined from dozens of precious medicines like Tianshan Snow Lotus, Changbai Ginseng, and South Sea Pearls. One pill a day—one hundred taels of silver per pill.”

Zhang Jinhua sucked in a breath, her eyes widening into circles. “One hundred taels for one pill?”

Li Qiaoqiao cursed the old fraud in her head—he certainly dared to name his price.

Physician Gong acted as if he hadn’t seen Zhang Jinhua’s reaction and continued, “Second step: gold needles must be inserted into the cranial acupoints to clear the blocked spirit gates. Seven days of needle therapy, combined with the pills, will surely show results.”

Before his voice died away, the apprentice had already pulled a set of needles of various lengths from the box.

They were called gold needles, but in reality, they were just rusty silver needles, glinting coldly in the dim room.

The dull look in Wu Ya’s eyes suddenly became sharp the moment he saw those needles. His body instinctively recoiled, a low whimper escaping his throat.

Li Qiaoqiao felt his muscles tense. She knew this boy wasn’t afraid—he knew exactly how dangerous reckless acupuncture was.

“Awoo!” Wu Ya suddenly let out a loud roar, swinging his arm as if to strike the physician. Physician Gong scrambled back two steps in fright, and the apprentice’s hand shook, nearly dropping the needles on the floor.

Li Qiaoqiao lunged to hug Wu Ya’s arm, soothing him gently: “Tie Niu isn’t afraid, no one is hurting you, Qiaoqiao is here.”

She turned to Physician Gong with a troubled expression. “Divine Physician, please forgive us. My Tie Niu is terrified of sharp objects. Normally, he throws a fit even when he sees an embroidery needle. These silver needles, I’m afraid…”

Physician Gong frowned. “This is a medical necessity. Without the needles, the medicine cannot reach the root of the illness.”

Seeing this, Zhang Jinhua also urged, “Tie Niu, be good. The Physician is treating you; you won’t be a fool once you’re cured.”

Wu Ya, however, became even more agitated, waving his arms and nearly knocking over a nearby wooden stool.

Li Qiaoqiao held onto him for dear life, her mind racing. She knew that in the original book, Wu Tie Niu was killed by this quack’s reckless needlework. She could not let history repeat itself.

“Divine Physician,” Li Qiaoqiao suddenly looked up, her eyes shining with concern, “it’s not that I don’t trust your skill, it’s just that Tie Niu is incredibly strong. If he struggles while the needles are being inserted, I’m afraid even five or six strong men couldn’t hold him down. Last time Dr. Wang from the village tried to examine him, he almost had his front teeth knocked out by a single punch.”

She paused intentionally, noticing a flicker of fear on the physician’s face, then continued: “One punch from Tie Niu can crush stone. I’m just afraid if he loses control, it wouldn’t be good if he hurt the Physician or the young apprentice. A few days ago, he swatted a stray dog that wandered into the yard, and the dog’s skull was shattered…”

Hearing this, the apprentice’s hand shook, and a needle hit the floor with a ting.

Physician Gong looked at Wu Ya’s sturdy frame and muscles, subconsciously swallowing hard.

Li Qiaoqiao struck while the iron was hot: “How about this? Let Tie Niu take divine medicine first. Once his mind is clearer and he’s not so resistant, can we proceed with the acupuncture?”

Zhang Jinhua thought it made sense and quickly agreed. “Qiaoqiao is right. Let’s see the effect of the medicine first. When Tie Niu’s temper flares up, even I can’t pull him back.”

Physician Gong looked at the still-growling Wu Ya. Those thick arms were wider than his own thighs. If the boy really went wild, he truly would be uncontrollable.

He stroked his beard, musing for a moment, and finally nodded. “Very well. Take the medicine for seven days first. I will return in seven days to re-examine him and decide on the needles based on the situation.”

A huge weight lifted off Li Qiaoqiao’s heart, but she maintained her worried expression. “Thank you for your understanding, Divine Physician.”

“Understanding?”

Because Li Qiaoqiao had blocked his suggestion of needles, the physician’s expression wasn’t very pleasant. His goatee twitched as if he were about to snap.

Li Qiaoqiao quickly offered a flattering smile. “Please don’t misunderstand, Physician. It’s not that we don’t believe in your skills. It’s just that Tie Niu has had this illness for years; we have to take it step by step, right? We’ll take the divine medicine first, and once we see results, we can talk about the needles.”

These words were very well-chosen, and the physician’s face softened.

The apprentice chimed in, “Master’s ‘Leg-Stretching Eyes-Bulging Pill’ is an ancestral secret recipe. It uses Tianshan Snow Lotus and hundred-year ginseng—it’s expensive! You have to pay first!”

Zhang Jinhua got nervous at the word “expensive.” Rubbing her hands, she asked, “How much silver?”

The apprentice held up three fingers. Before he could speak, a sharp intake of breath came from outside the window. It had to be Mrs. Wei eavesdropping.

“Three taels of silver per pill,” the apprentice said, chin held high. “One pill a day, for three months.”

Zhang Jinhua’s legs went weak, and she almost sat on the floor. “Three… three taels? A day?”

Li Qiaoqiao sneered inwardly. Tianshan Snow Lotus? These are obviously flour balls wrapped in dried cow dung. It was written clearly in the original book.

Physician Gong glared at the apprentice. “Shut your mouth!”

He turned back to Zhang Jinhua with a sigh. “Madam, do not panic. It is truly because the ingredients are rare. Sigh, forget it. Seeing your family’s hardship, I’ll take only thirty taels, and I’ll cover all three months of medicine.”

The apprentice said urgently, “Master! We’ll lose money at that price!”

“A healer has a benevolent heart! Why speak of profit or loss?” The physician spoke with stirring passion.

Zhang Jinhua was indeed moved to tears, bowing repeatedly. “Thank you, Divine Physician! Thank you!”

Mrs. Wei’s shriek came from outside: “Thirty tales? This is robbery!” This was followed by the sound of panicked, scurrying footsteps.

Zhang Jinhua’s face darkened. She ran out to shout a few curses and returned with a cloth bundle. She unrolled it layer by layer, revealing scraps of silver and copper coins saved over countless years, exactly totaling thirty taels.

The physician took the money and pulled a small wooden box from the bottom of his chest. He opened it to reveal a pill the size of a longan fruit lying on red cloth, emitting a strange odor.

“Administer it immediately,” the physician instructed solemnly. “I will return at this time tomorrow with the next dose.”

After seeing the physician off, Zhang Jinhua held the pill like an ancestral tablet, carefully bringing it to Wu Ya’s mouth. “Tie Niu, be good. Take the medicine and you’ll be better.”

Wu Ya’s nose twitched twice, and he suddenly jerked his head away. The pill emitted a pungent smell of cow dung that made his stomach churn.

“This child!” Zhang Jinhua was anxious. “Good medicine is bitter! Eat it!”

Li Qiaoqiao knew exactly what was going on and stepped forward. “Mother, let me feed him. Tie Niu is closer to me.”

Zhang Jinhua, at a loss, hurriedly handed the pill to her.

Li Qiaoqiao took the pill and indeed smelled the familiar stench of cow dung. Suppressing a laugh, she leaned in to Wu Ya. “Tie Niu, open up.”

Wu Ya kept his mouth shut tight, his eyes fixed on the pill with hatred. He suddenly raised his sleeve, pretending to wipe his mouth, trying to hide the pill in his sleeve.

If this were actually precious medicine, it would be fine—but this was a cow dung pellet!

Li Qiaoqiao had anticipated this move and grabbed his wrist. “Don’t move, take your medicine properly.”

Wu Tie Niu struggled, making muffled noises. Li Qiaoqiao took the chance to shove the pill into his mouth and grabbed a bowl of water from the table to pour a gulp down.

With a gulp, Wu Ya was forced to swallow the thing.

In an instant, his face turned from green to white, then from white to red. The veins on his forehead bulged, and his eyes became bloodshot. The stench of cow dung mixed with the bitterness of low-grade herbs exploded in his mouth, the disgust making his whole body tremble.

Li Qiaoqiao shot him a look, signaling him to endure.

Seeing the medicine was down, Zhang Jinhua let out a long breath. “Finally. Qiaoqiao, you really do have a way.”

Wu Ya stared deathly at Li Qiaoqiao, his gaze looking as if he wanted to skin her alive.

But Li Qiaoqiao looked innocent. “Look, Mother, Tie Niu’s eyes have life in them after taking the medicine.”

Of course they had life—they were practically spitting fire from rage.

Zhang Jinhua believed it was true and leaned in to look closely. “It’s true! This Physician’s medicine is truly effective!” Thirty taels was painful, but if it cured her son, it was worth it.

Seeing Wu Ya had swallowed the pill, Li Qiaoqiao asked with feigned concern, “Physician, after taking this medicine, will there be any reaction?”

Physician Gong stroked his goatee with a profound air. “The power of this medicine is quite fierce. After taking it, the patient will fall into a deep sleep. When he wakes, the symptoms will be lessened by a few degrees.”

Li Qiaoqiao’s heart skipped a beat. Deep sleep? There was probably a sedative or anesthetic in there; no wonder the original Wu Tie Niu didn’t resist the needles.

Just as she thought this, Wu Ya on the bed let out a massive yawn. His eyelids began to droop. Swaying unsteadily, he actually collapsed back onto the kang with a thud and began to snore loudly.

“Incredible! Truly incredible!” Li Qiaoqiao clapped and cried out. “He just swallowed it and it worked! The Leg-Stretching Eyes-Bulging Pill really lives up to its name!”

Zhang Jinhua leaned over as well. Seeing her son sleeping soundly, joy crept onto her face. “This really is a miraculous elixir!”

Physician Gong and the apprentice looked at each other, both a bit surprised. The medicine worked a bit too fast; the sedative herbs shouldn’t have been that potent! But seeing both women so convinced, the master and apprentice suppressed their doubts.

The apprentice bragged, “My Master’s medicine has always been this immediate!”

Physician Gong took the opportunity to strike a pose of mysterious depth. “We are done for today. I will return at this time tomorrow. Your son’s illness is deep-rooted; I’m afraid he must take it for three months to be fully cured.”

Zhang Jinhua agreed repeatedly, respectfully seeing the physician and apprentice out the door.

When only the two of them were left in the room, Wu Ya suddenly lunged to the edge of the bed, retching several times, but nothing would come up. He turned and glared at Li Qiaoqiao, his fists clenched tight.

Li Qiaoqiao took a step back and lowered her voice: “Don’t glare at me. If I hadn’t stopped him, your head would be full of needles by now. Remember how you died in the original book?”

Wu Ya froze. He remembered the original host was indeed needles-to-death by the quack. His anger lessened slightly. But the taste in his mouth was so disgusting his expression remained hideous.

“Cow dung pellets are better than needles,” Li Qiaoqiao said righteously. “Besides, why did you try to hide the medicine just now? If you had just taken it obediently, you’d be fine.”

Wu Ya turned his head away in a huff, ignoring her.

Li Qiaoqiao curled her lip, thinking this guy was truly delicate.

Wu Ya glared at her fiercely, his voice squeezed through his teeth: “You knew they were cow dung pellets…”

“So what if it’s cow dung? Country folk even burn cow dung for fuel,” Li Qiaoqiao raised an eyebrow. “Is it better than needles? Or would you rather be turned into a pincushion?”

Wu Ya was left speechless, and could only continue to retch. It took a long while for him to catch his breath. He got off the bed to ladle water and rinse his mouth seven or eight times, yet still felt a strange taste lingering.

“Li Qiaoqiao, just you wait,” Wu Ya ground out through his teeth.

Outside in the yard, Zhang Jinhua could be heard scolding Mrs. Wei for being a busybody, and a few hens were squawking in fright.

Wu Ya slowly sat up, staring at Li Qiaoqiao’s back as she moved outside. His gaze was complicated. He suddenly reached out to touch his own throat and felt another surge of nausea.

This woman certainly has some nerve. Once he turned things around in the future, he would definitely make her pay!

But for now…

He looked at the darkening sky outside the window and could only swallow his grievance.

The stench of cow dung seemed to linger at the tip of his nose. Wu Ya retched again and slammed his fist against the edge of the bed.