Hating Her, While Still Having to Address Her as Mother - Chapter 20

Chapter 20: When You Kissed Me

Chapter Summary: Considering things without secularity or morality.

First, Shen Manci lunged forward to restrain him, followed immediately by Su Zhixi, who rushed over to help pin the perpetrator down. Finally, the timid teacher took that final, brave step forward.

Not long after, the Jizhou criminal police arrived at the scene and took the man away. The chaos surrounding the Jizhou No. 1 Middle School Arts Festival finally came to an end. The incident had been massive; the entrance to the school was packed so tightly not even a drop of water could leak through. As the perpetrator was led into the police car, a tide of parents surged into the school gates, running toward the buildings.

Reporters from the provincial TV station in Hengkou arrived and began their work. Shen Manci frowned slightly until she called Director Zheng, who informed her that Hengkou TV would take over the story and that all matters regarding Jizhou No. 1 Middle School were now under their jurisdiction.

Shen Manci said nothing more. A few stray drops of rain began to fall. She reached out her hand, but the droplets missed her palm. As she looked up to see if the rain would intensify, she spotted Su Zhixi standing at the intersection of the crowd, looking around anxiously, failing to find the person she was searching for.

Shen Manci walked over. “Did you see your sister, Su An’an?”

“No.”

“Then let’s go home? It looks like it’s going to rain.”

Su Zhixi’s eyelids lowered slightly, her reluctance and disappointment flowing into her eyes faster than the rain.

“Okay.” The moment she answered, the rain silently and completely invaded their lives.

…

The moment they arrived home and the pale yellow light in the foyer flickered on, Shen Manci handed Su Zhixi a park voucher. Her hand was still damp with rainwater as she held the stub.

Su Zhixi was dazed. Only upon seeing the voucher did she realize they had just survived a life-or-death situation, yet this piece of paper pulled all her thoughts back to their game.

She reached out slowly, pinching the other corner of the stub. “I want to use this voucher right now. Is that okay?”

Shen Manci offered a warm smile. “Of course.” She reached out her dry hand and rested it on Su Zhixi’s head. “Zhixi was very brave today.”

“Call me… Ah Xi.”

Shen Manci used her long, melodic tone to draw out the name. “Ah Xi.”

Su Zhixi ignored the stickiness of her wet uniform and the umbrella in her hand. She cast everything aside and threw herself forward, wrapping her arms tightly around Shen Manci. Abandoning all pride, she buried her face in Shen Manci’s chest and wailed. “I… I was so scared… Today, I was actually so scared. When I was saying those things to distract him, I was terrified he would stab me, that he would kill me…”

Shen Manci stroked the girl’s hair rhythmically. “It’s okay, Ah Xi. It’s over now. It’s all over.”

Shen Manci accepted the situation quickly. She knew these words weren’t meant for her, but for a “real” mother. After everything that had happened, Su Zhixi needed an outlet for her unease.

“Where are you both… Mama… where did you take An’an?” Su Zhixi’s hands clenched Shen Manci’s trench coat tightly, like a drowning person grasping at a straw. “Why can’t I find you? Mama, why? Why did you take An’an but leave me behind?”

“Am I just a burden, Mama?”

Shen Manci’s hand traced the line of Su Zhixi’s spine patiently. “The person Mama loves most is Ah Xi. How could Mama leave you?”

“You’re lying! You’re a liar! If you really loved me, why did you divorce Dad? Why did you only take An’an and leave me in… in this cold, heartless Jizhou?” Su Zhixi’s fragility and her past were laid bare in this moment, her insecurities displayed before Shen Manci like artifacts in a museum.

Shen Manci’s narrow eyes crinkled slightly. She was like a composed visitor walking through a museum, admiring the ruins of the past with leisure. Her touch was as light and weary as a finger grazing the glass protecting a relic. Admiring someone else’s past was always a soothing endeavor.

“Mama did it for a reason, silly child.” Shen Manci wiped away Su Zhixi’s warm tears over and over. The scalding temperature stung her, making her own heart tremble.

This wave of emotion did not stem from sympathy or genuine care, nor was Shen Manci truly losing herself in the role of the mother. This heartache came from a realization: she was willing to play this “house” game with Su Zhixi because she saw Su Zhixi as her past self.

Su Zhixi’s rebellion, her arrogance, her restlessness—it was exactly like Shen Manci at eighteen. The unrequited longing for maternal love, the pathological thirst for intimacy—it had forged this person out of twisted, anxious emotions. By being with Su Zhixi, Shen Manci could observe the “self” she had never truly recognized deep in her own heart.

In this process, her tenderness and patience toward Su Zhixi were like tearing open a scabbed wound, dissecting it, and reapplying medicine.

…

Su Zhixi indignantly left long scratch marks on Shen Manci’s back. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough.

She led Shen Manci to the bedroom and handed her a tin of balm her mother used to use. Knowing exactly what to do, Shen Manci applied the scent to her own neck and wrists, then looked directly at Su Zhixi, waiting for the next instruction.

Su Zhixi knelt devoutly and produced a small, rusted key. She opened a dark cupboard filled with miscellaneous items—dry wooden sticks, clothes hangers. She pulled them out and handed them to Shen Manci.

Shen Manci raised an eyebrow, waiting for an explanation.

Su Zhixi explained in the simplest terms: “Hit me.”

Shen Manci took a sharp breath. She hadn’t expected this level of reenactment. “Where?”

Su Zhixi held out her pale palm. “Start with the hand.”

Shen Manci walked slowly to the foot of the bed and tested the weight of the wooden stick—it looked like a broken leg from a chair. Su Zhixi walked over and spread her palm again.

Shen Manci’s soft fingers traced the lines of Su Zhixi’s palm. A moment after leaving behind an itchy sensation, she swung the stick without hesitation, striking the palm hard. Tears welled in Su Zhixi’s eyes, and a muffled groan escaped her lips. The sound was small, but pleasant to the ear.

“More?” Shen Manci asked, respecting the girl’s wishes.

Su Zhixi, her fingers curled from the stinging pain, forced her palm open again to show her resolve.

As before, Shen Manci caressed her gently before the strike. Tears finally spilled from Su Zhixi’s eyes. “Mama, again.”

Shen Manci looked at the white palm, now marked with indelible red welts. A splinter had even caught in the skin. Shen Manci pulled the splinter out and left a gentle kiss on the throbbing palm. The kiss was so tender it seemed to hurt more than the blow. Su Zhixi cried even harder; Shen Manci couldn’t understand why a kiss was more painful than a strike.

After the comfort came a third, merciless blow. This one was heavier, sending Su Zhixi curling into Shen Manci’s arms, sobbing into her own hand.

Shen Manci kissed the top of her head. She surmised that in the past, Su Zhixi’s mother likely hit her frequently and then offered tender comfort—a form of obedience training. The product of such training becomes familiar with being broken and then rebuilt; only through this cycle can they feel like they are “living.”

Su Zhixi, trembling in Shen Manci’s lap, reached out her uninjured hand and placed it on Shen Manci’s neck. “Kiss me, Mama…”

Shen Manci silently lifted the girl’s chin and kissed her cheek, catching the falling tears. They tasted salty—not exactly delicious, but paired with Su Zhixi’s miserable state, the flavor wasn’t hard to swallow.

“Not there…” Su Zhixi protested.

Shen Manci raised an eyebrow and kissed her forehead. Su Zhixi shook her head shyly. She used her fingers to lead Shen Manci’s hand to her own throat, wrapping Shen Manci’s fingers around her neck one by one.

“A kiss like that.”

Shen Manci knew the pose well. It was what she had done in the cupboard—pinning Su Zhixi’s neck and kissing her to keep her quiet. Shen Manci admitted her logic hadn’t been sound then; the darkness and Su Zhixi’s pain had triggered bad childhood memories, leading her to break moral boundaries.

But now, she was sober. She couldn’t do it again. Under the light, she wore the skin of a proper human being.

“A mother cannot kiss Ah Xi that way,” Shen Manci refused clearly. She hoped that the kiss in the cupboard wouldn’t count as a “kiss” to Su Zhixi.

Su Zhixi stared at her with wide eyes. “It’s okay. ‘Mama’ can kiss Ah Xi.”

Shen Manci looked at her coldly. “What kind of mother? One who provides affection, or one who embraces, kisses, and… does that?”

“The latter,” Su Zhixi replied bluntly.

Shen Manci stood up, dropping Su Zhixi back onto the bed. She leaned over, the shadow of her hair falling across the girl’s face. “That’s called a lover. That is not a mother’s role.”

Shen Manci straightened up, adjusting her sleeves, her voice returning to her normal tone. “Alright, get up and change out of your uniform, Ah Xi. You got soaked on the way back. If you catch a cold, you won’t be able to go to school tomorrow.”

She turned to leave the room, but Su Zhixi stopped her once more.

“When you kissed me, you could have considered it without secular feelings or morality, Shen Manci.”

Shen Manci kept her back turned. She adjusted her expression and turned back with a smile. “You know, back in Qinhai, we call that kind of logic a ‘friend with benefits’.”