Good Night, Brother! - Chapter 9.4

Recently, Eunhyun’s behavior had become noticeably strange.

He stopped drinking coffee entirely, started wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes to work, and often turned down his favorite foods, claiming he had no appetite.

Even his usually mild temperament had become unpredictable, swinging from cheerful to irritable in a flash.

Last night was no exception. The atmosphere had been lighthearted as they lay in bed together, sharing a kiss. But when Yi Hyeon’s hand wandered lower, Eunhyun slapped it away. The sound echoed in the room. His sharp rebuke ended with him angrily kicking Yi Hyeon out of bed.

Changes in appetite, heightened emotions, avoidance of intimacy…

As Yi Hyeon pieced these clues together, a faint smile of self-mockery crossed his lips.

“No matter how much I wish for it… there’s no way, right?”

The day of Eunhyun’s follow-up appointment arrived. Since Yi Hyeon was home for summer vacation, Eunhyun pretended to head to work and made his way to the hospital.

As he turned a corner near the clinic, a boy running at full speed slammed into him, his head colliding with Eunhyun’s abdomen.

“Ah!”

“Ow!”

The boy darted off without an apology, leaving Eunhyun clutching his stomach. Cold sweat trickled down his back.

The baby… is it okay?

“…Ha.”

The thought that popped into his head made him laugh bitterly.

Was it concern for the fetus? Or a faint hope for relief through miscarriage?

Eunhyun couldn’t tell which interpretation weighed more heavily on his mind.

The ultrasound screen displayed a noticeably larger, irregular white speck compared to the previous visit. That tiny, nail-sized spot was supposedly a life, but Eunhyun still couldn’t fully comprehend it. He stared at it blankly as the doctor adjusted the monitor’s controls and spoke.

“I’ll let you hear the baby’s heartbeat.”

“What? Wait… no.”

Eunhyun’s pupils quivered with unease. The baby’s heartbeat? Hearing that would make everything feel so real.

Before he could mentally prepare, rhythmic waves appeared at the bottom of the monitor, and loud, rapid thumping filled the room.

Thump-thump-thump-thump.

The sound, nearly twice as fast as an adult’s heartbeat, startled him.

Why is it so fast? Is something wrong?

As if sensing his thoughts, the doctor reassured him.

“The heartbeat is surprisingly strong, isn’t it?”

“Isn’t it… too fast?”

“It’s normal. The baby’s heart is working hard to circulate blood, deliver oxygen, and support development. The rate is 140 bpm, which is within the healthy range. In fact, it’s very steady and strong.”

Eunhyun swallowed hard. The galloping rhythm of the baby’s heart seemed to echo inside his own head, pounding relentlessly. His own pulse quickened, his hands turned cold, and his stomach churned. He couldn’t tell if it was a pregnancy symptom or just psychological.

Just like when he entered, Eunhyun couldn’t remember how he made it out of the appointment. Stumbling out of the room, he collapsed onto a nearby waiting chair, burying his face in his trembling hands. His fingers were ice-cold and wouldn’t stop shaking.

Thump-thump-thump-thump.

The memory of the heartbeat clawed at his fragile resolve, leaving him unable to calm down.

Leaving the hospital, Eunhyun wandered aimlessly.

The late-June air, thick with summer heat, clung to him. Sweat soaked his back, dampening his shirt, but he barely noticed the discomfort as he kept walking.

Eventually, he stumbled across a playground in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Just as he was about to pass by, his gaze landed on an empty swing. It sat under the blazing sun, untouched, likely too hot for children to use.

He used to love swings as a child. Though his home was far from any playground, the apartment complex where Yi Hyeon lived had one. Whenever Eunhyun visited, he’d always spend time swinging.

Drawn in as if hypnotized, he approached the swing and sat down. The plastic seat, heated by the sun, was uncomfortable, but he didn’t care. Back then, his feet couldn’t even touch the ground, but now his calves extended well beyond the seat’s height. He let the swing sway gently, surrendering to its natural motion.

Sitting there in the quiet morning, everything in his life suddenly felt unreal, as if it were happening to someone else.

He watched children sliding down a nearby slide, their laughter echoing through the air. On a bench, parents sat chatting while keeping an eye on their kids. Seeing them unexpectedly reminded Eunhyun of his mother. He didn’t favor her over his father, so why did he always think of her in moments like these?

A thought struck him.

What did Mom feel when she first learned she was pregnant with me? Was she purely happy? Or did she feel as lost and overwhelmed as I do now? Did she think of me as a baby from the start? Or did she ever, even for a moment, think of erasing me?

I want to see her.

No, I don’t.

No, I can’t.

Long after Eunhyun left, the swing continued to sway gently in the breeze, its creaking the only sound in the empty playground.

On Saturday morning, Eunhyun sat cross-legged on his bed, staring at a small white box of pills in front of him. He tapped the edge of the box lightly with his fingertips, lost in thought.

“…The medication will soften the cervix, and within four to five hours, the pregnancy tissue will be expelled. During this process, you may experience severe cramps and bleeding for a few hours, but these are normal symptoms of miscarriage. If the pain becomes too much, you can take a painkiller…”

Pregnancy tissue. What some call a baby, others clinically refer to as pregnancy tissue.

The day he heard the heartbeat, Eunhyun sat on that playground swing for hours. Finally, he made up his mind and left to find a hospital where he wouldn’t be recognized. He couldn’t bring himself to request termination pills at the same place where he had heard the heartbeat.

He had to act before the thing inside him grew further—before it developed a face, hands, or feet. It was only seven weeks. No one else knew. If he bore this alone, no one would ever have to find out.

Eunhyun was careful and methodical in making decisions. Once he made up his mind, he rarely wavered. He didn’t look back at roads not taken. He weighed every option thoroughly, avoiding regret as much as possible.

But this time, he was terrified. What if taking these pills was a choice he would regret for the rest of his life?

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Yi Hyeon’s gentle voice followed.

“Hyung, are you still sleeping? Breakfast is ready.”

“Huh? No, I’ll be right out. Wait a second.”

Hurriedly, Eunhyun hid the pills in his bedside drawer and walked into the living room.

On the table, Yi Hyeon had prepared all of Eunhyun’s favorite dishes.

Though he wasn’t particularly hungry, Eunhyun forced himself to finish a bowl of rice. He silently thanked his body for not experiencing severe morning sickness in front of Yi Hyeon.

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