After My Childhood Friend Misunderstood That I Had a Boyfriend - Chapter 17

Chapter 17: So this is what it means to be in a dilemma

“Pretty please?”

There it was again. Chu Xi was always caring for him in this way.

While it only required a simple answer of “good” or “not good,” Zhou Jinyan found it exceptionally difficult to speak.

Being cared for by someone you have feelings for became a form of torment at this moment. He couldn’t help but wonder: had another man ever been the recipient of such caring words?

The tossing and turning of the previous night had prepared him mentally, yet he almost crumbled the moment he saw Chu Xi.

This feeling of his emotions being out of his control made Zhou Jinyan incredibly irritable.

Seeing Zhou Jinyan’s furrowed brows, Chu Xi hesitated for a moment and slowly released his grip on the other’s sleeve. His hand hung indecisively in the air before he finally withdrew it, clutching his own sleeve instead.

Is Zhou Jinyan getting tired of me?

He isn’t speaking, and he’s frowning.

“Did I. disturb you?” Chu Xi’s courage ebbed away like a receding tide. This inexplicable alienation made him feel anxious. He hesitated, then added, “Um, I didn’t mean to meddle just now.

He’s ignoring me. He’s giving me the cold shoulder.

Chu Xi spoke in a tiny voice, sounding a bit aggrieved: “I just wanted to check on you.”

What does he even mean?

Zhou Jinyan is really annoying.

He’s been acting strange since last night for no reason. It’s so frustrating. He clearly cared when I was unhappy, but after coaxing me, he goes and makes me unhappy again.

He hated this feeling.

The more Chu Xi thought about it, the more helpless he felt. His nose began to sting, his eyes grew teary, and he didn’t even know where to put his hands.

He thought uneasily: Did I overstep just now? Is that why Zhou Jinyan is annoyed with me?

After a long silence.

“You didn’t disturb me.” Zhou Jinyan’s voice sounded as if it were being squeezed out of his throat, barely audible and laced with a raw huskiness. “You didn’t disturb me. I’m just too busy, my brain hasn’t caught up yet.”

Zhou Jinyan paused, reaching out to pluck a stray leaf caught in Chu Xi’s hair: “I’m just a little tired.”

Looking at Chu Xi’s red-tipped nose and the flush around his eyes, he found it impossible to harden his heart.

Zhou Jinyan couldn’t help but think: If I don’t say something now, he’s going to cry, isn’t he?

If Chu Xi cries, could I really stay indifferent? Zhou Jinyan asked himself and quickly found the answer.

He couldn’t stand the idea of not wiping away Chu Xi’s tears.

Zhou Jinyan realized he was truly helpless; he simply couldn’t bear to make Chu Xi sad.

Huh? Is that it?

Chu Xi blinked and looked up at him again.

Under the Chinese parasol tree, the gentle sunlight filtered through the branches and landed on Chu Xi’s cheek as he received the answer, bathing his face in a soft glow.

Perhaps the sunlight was too bright, for it melted away the desolation Chu Xi had felt just moments ago.

Chu Xi’s eyes curved into crescents as he smiled. Zhou Jinyan lowered his gaze, unintentionally capturing that smile a smile that looked like the first breath of spring melting the world into his heart.

Zhou Jinyan thought: Chu Xi really does look better when he’s smiling.

Zhou Jinyan paused, then added: “I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose.”

So he wasn’t annoyed with him! Chu Xi’s suspended heart settled back into place. “I know, you’re just too busy and tired, right?”

Chu Xi had never been in a relationship, but he had seen cases where people were loathed for being too clingy or having no sense of boundaries. Seeing Zhou Jinyan’s expression, he subconsciously projected himself into those scenarios.

He didn’t want Zhou Jinyan to dislike him.

But Zhou Jinyan was so frustrating; a single random gesture of his could make Chu Xi unhappy.

Yet, he still liked Zhou Jinyan so much.

Zhou Jinyan took the out Chu Xi gave him: “Yes. It’ll be better once I get through this busy period.”

In those few seconds, Zhou Jinyan had made up his mind. Once he sorted out his feelings for Chu Xi during this period, he planned to reveal the truth about their past as childhood friends. He would take proper care of Chu Xi and tell him to stop flirting with him.

Since Chu Xi already had a boyfriend, his flirting with Zhou Jinyan was one thing—Zhou Jinyan wouldn’t go to the boyfriend and expose Chu Xi’s “cheating”—but what if Chu Xi set his sights on a next target? What if that person wasn’t as tolerant and generous as he was, and ended up humiliating Chu Xi?

Even if Chu Xi had the capital to be indulged—a face so beautiful it could seduce anyone—he might not get away with it with someone else the way he did with Zhou Jinyan.

Zhou Jinyan took a deep breath: “Let’s go. I’ll walk you back to the dorm.”

The ice had quietly cracked a slit. Chu Xi still felt something was slightly off, but the atmosphere between them had been delicate from last night until just now. Since it had finally eased a bit, Chu Xi decided to maintain the facade of peace.

“Okay.” Chu Xi’s long lashes fluttered. He didn’t look up but pursed his lips. “Do you have more classes later? Will it be too much trouble to walk me back?”

Zhou Jinyan replied: “No.”

Chu Xi’s fawn-like eyes blinked, noticing Zhou Jinyan’s dark circles: “Then you must remember to rest well later. Go back to the dorm and take a nap.”

Zhou Jinyan: “Okay.”

The two walked side by side on the lush campus path. University A was massive; students on electric scooters zoomed past from time to time. Chu Xi thought about himself half a month ago.

Half a month ago, he was also traversing this path, clutching a cup of hot coffee and agonizing over how to “thaw” his cold crush. Half a month later, on the same path, his crush was still cold, but had been simmered by him into a cup of lukewarm water—sometimes cold, sometimes hot, alternately approaching and pulling away.

As Chu Xi was lost in thought, he didn’t notice an electric scooter suddenly darting out from a curve. In a flash, he was nearly grazed, but fortunately, Zhou Jinyan pulled him back just in time to prevent an injury.

Caught off guard, Chu Xi tumbled toward Zhou Jinyan’s chest. His forehead brushed dangerously against Zhou Jinyan’s Adam’s apple. Before he could fully fall into his arms, Zhou Jinyan caught him by the waist.

Zhou Jinyan moved his hand away from Chu Xi’s waist: “Watch the road.”

Chu Xi’s heart was still thumping wildly. His head was buzzing, and he hadn’t quite recovered from the near-miss.

Hearing Zhou Jinyan’s words, he could only stammer: “Ah, okay.”

Seeing Chu Xi’s state, Zhou Jinyan’s eyes flickered. He quietly guided Chu Xi to walk in front of him while he followed closely behind.

Chu Xi walked a short distance in a daze before he finally snapped out of it. As his stalled brain restarted, his first reaction was: Did I just brush against Zhou Jinyan’s Adam’s apple?

At the thought, the sensation of his forehead grazing that spot seemed to linger, and Chu Xi’s cheeks instantly turned hot.

His eyes darted around. The Adam’s apple looked prominent enough in photos, but it was even more so in reality, Chu Xi thought back to a certain “rumor” and, driven by curiosity, glanced toward the ground.

He lifted his gaze and took a lightning fast peek down there to try and verify his suspicion.

Well. He couldn’t tell.

Chu Xi felt a bit disappointed.

Wait.

What am I disappointed about?!

A moment later, when Chu Xi realized what he had just been doing, he took a deep breath. His ears turned beet red instantly. Ahhhh! What! Am I! Doing!!

Why was I curious about THAT?! Chu Xi couldn’t stand himself. Was he really a shameless male college student?

Because of these stray thoughts, the events of last night were temporarily put aside.

After returning to the dorm, the two shared the same room. For once, Chu Xi felt a bit uncomfortable; whenever he looked at Zhou Jinyan, his mind automatically drifted toward “R-rated” thoughts.

Ahhh, I’m so impure! Stop thinking about it!

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Chu Xi quickly banished the dirty thoughts and took out his phone. It was a message from Jian Yu, asking Chu Xi out for dinner tonight.

Jian Yu: “It’s that Japanese restaurant you said tasted okay last time. Haven’t been there in ages. By the way, I’ve prepared a little surprise for you!”

Chu Xi felt it was a good idea: “Sure.”

After a few more exchanges, a text notification popped up at the top of his screen. Chu Xi clicked it the camera he bought had arrived and was in the delivery locker at the Small East Gate.

Just as he was about to exit, Jian Yu suddenly called. Startled, Chu Xi’s hand shook, and he accidentally answered before immediately hanging up.

Jian Yu: ?

Jian Yu: You hung up on me! Beagle crying.jpg

Chu Xi soothed him and explained: My roommate is about to sleep.

Jian Yu was about to ask where a guy living off-campus got a roommate, then remembered Chu Xi had specifically moved into the dorms to chase someone.

Jian Yu let out an “Ooh.” He searched their chat history and found where Chu Xi had said his roommates had all moved out, so this current roommate could only be.

Jian Yu smirked: Then I won’t disturb you covering mouth laugh

Jian Yu: Two guys alone in a room, make sure you seize the opportunity!

Chu Xi thought to himself, Seize what opportunity? Zhou Jinyan looked like he badly needed rest. All he needed to do now was be himself and stay quiet.

The balcony door opened and closed. Zhou Jinyan walked back in. Chu Xi used the momentum of his swivel chair to turn half a circle to face Zhou Jinyan.

Chu Xi was still thinking about the other night: “You said you’ve been busy lately. How much longer will you be busy for?”

Zhou Jinyan moved his chair to face Chu Xi: “Until about the middle of next month.”

Chu Xi: “That long?”

Zhou Jinyan: “Mm.”

There was a moment of silence between them. Chu Xi hesitated, not knowing how to bring up last night or how to ask Zhou Jinyan what was wrong and why his attitude toward him had changed.

Why were we talking so well, and then you suddenly went silent?

He coaxes me, indulges me… as Jian Yu said, Zhou Jinyan was willing to take the bait of his flawed “fishing” attempts. This had given him enough security in this ambiguous relationship of which both were well aware to let him act spoiled, moving from cautious to entitled. But then, without warning, Zhou Jinyan took it all back.

He had rehearsed several versions of a confrontation this morning, but upon seeing Zhou Jinyan, he could only think about whether the other had slept well. All his planned questions were tossed to the back of his mind.

Certain things are hard to say once that specific moment has passed. Chu Xi hadn’t understood the meaning of that phrase before, but now he was tasting its bitterness.

Chu Xi didn’t really want to maintain the facade of peace, but he didn’t know what else he could do if he didn’t.

If he asked clearly, would Zhou Jinyan be willing to tell him?

Even if he were willing to speak, it would break the atmosphere that had just finally relaxed, returning them to that inexplicable low-pressure tension that scraped at his heart. Was he willing to face that?

Chu Xi searched his heart and found that he wasn’t willing at all.

So this is what it means to be in a dilemma.