A Cold and Aloof Top Student Is Relied Upon - Chapter 43

Chapter 43: Withered

◎She is a flower that cannot bloom◎

The name Gu Baolin first appeared in Gu Zhu’s world when they were moving. An old, yellowed photo album unexpectedly fell out of a vintage wooden wardrobe.

She opened the album. Inside were a young Gu Baozhi and another girl who looked a bit like her.

That girl’s smile was bright. She had her arm hooked through Gu Baozhi’s and one hand raised, as if to catch a seagull flying over the sea.

On the album’s title page, there was faint blue handwriting:

—To my dearest sister, may you be forever happy. —Love, your Baolin.

Following the signature was a little girl’s head with a blown kiss. At that moment, she stood there stunned, realizing that Gu Baozhi had a younger sister, but Gu Baozhi had never mentioned her, as if this person had never existed.

She didn’t dare to ask Gu Baozhi easily. When Gu Baozhi entered the room, she instinctively stuffed the album back into the depths of the wardrobe. She was surprised by her own actions, but her heart was racing like a roller coaster. Later, she thought that it was probably a primeval instinct for self-preservation at play.

At her core, she was a coward.

The second time she learned the name was in Luo Ning’s sketchbook. At that time, she didn’t know they were classmates from the same university and both studied fine arts. Ever since she could remember, Gu Baozhi hadn’t been by her side. Luo Ning, who had accompanied her throughout her childhood, completely said goodbye when she was nine.

Her memory was always good. She always remembered vividly the images of those peaceful years being shattered and piercing her body.

Gu Zhu remembered Gu Baozhi and Luo Ning’s last argument, even remembering every expression and every word they said. She remembered Gu Baozhi viciously tearing up Luo Ning’s sketchbook. That sketchbook had countless pictures of her, which meant it had countless pictures of Gu Baolin.

Through her, Luo Ning had painted countless images of the Gu Baolin she missed.

And at that time, Gu Baozhi had just learned the fact that her sister was a lesbian.

Not just Gu Baolin, but Luo Ning was too. And the person Luo Ning loved was Gu Baolin.

This woman, who had been traditional her whole life, suffered a tremendous blow to her beliefs. When she saw the pictures of Gu Zhu, who looked so much like Gu Baolin, she completely broke down and exploded.

Gu Baozhi trampled the torn sketchbook under her feet and pointed at Luo Ning. “Get out. Get far away from my daughter! Never mention her name in front of us again. She’s dead, and it’s good that she died cleanly!”

Gu Zhu remembered her tears, falling one by one like pearls from a roof on a rainy day. One by one, string by string, they seemed to burn one hole after another in her heart. That fresh flesh, scorched and festering, left deep, heavy, and ugly scars, no matter how much time passed.

She pretended to forget, using her youth as an excuse. As the years turned, she and Gu Baozhi relied on each other, and it seemed as if the festering wounds had finally begun to heal.

But she knew it was all an illusion.

A nerve in Gu Baozhi’s brain was always on guard. She no longer allowed anyone to get close to Gu Zhu and didn’t allow Gu Zhu to get close to anyone else. She was like a camera probe installed in Gu Zhu’s life, ready to activate a level-one alert at the slightest sign of trouble.

Gu Zhu seemed to have lost her own social circle. She began to think: Could I get a little breathing room by breaking free from these chains? She thought, Gu Baozhi is my mom. There’s an invisible, most private, and unbreakable blood tie between us. Even if I’m a little willful, she’ll still love me, right?

She just wanted to be a little willful, to tell her mom that she was grown up and could decide on her own friends. She would still be first in her grade, a source of pride her mom could brag about.

But before she could even take that first step, Zhu Li found her.

At that time, it was shortly after her high school entrance exams. She had a city-wide interview to share her study experience. Later, when she went to practice piano, she was stopped by a woman.

This was her first meeting with Zhu Li. She said, “You and your mom are so alike. Beautiful, good grades, and artistic talent. You’re practically a carbon copy of her.”

“Do you want to go to the world’s most prestigious art academy? You should be living a carefree life like a little princess. Will you come with me? I can lay the world’s best resources at your feet for you to choose from.”

Zhu Li was like a stubborn madwoman, chattering on and on about her first meeting with Gu Baolin, their love for each other, and the misunderstandings that existed between them. She even said, “You were supposed to be our precious treasure. We could have raised you together. She secretly took you and ran away, and she got herself lost.”

“I couldn’t find her, but I found you. So can you come with me? I really need you.”

Gu Zhu clutched her heart, which was beating fast and painfully. She held her breath for a very long time before finally managing to say, “I don’t know you. I have my own mom. You’ve got the wrong person.” Then she fled in a hurry.

She began to wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.

In those sleepless hours of the night, she saw Gu Baozhi’s back quietly watching her in the dark.

And so the nightmares became a cycle. The countless pairs of eyes that appeared in her dreams stared at her without blinking, as if they wanted to see through her and awaken someone else’s soul.

Gu Zhu could no longer be sure: Am I a child loved by someone in this world?

Was I not meant to exist?

This question had existed in her mind for many, many years. She began to fear this world. At first, she was forced to stay away, but later she started to stay away herself. She built a fortress in her own world, claiming that she didn’t need a lively life. Yet, when one person approached her just for her, she surrendered.

The car returned to silence.

Countless streams of light flickered and were cut into pieces, disappearing before their eyes.

Gu Zhu, of course, didn’t know what Gu Baolin’s last words were. But she should have guessed. The wardrobe she used to hide in as a child was covered with densely carved words. She had also accidentally seen the diary Gu Baozhi secretly kept, which belonged to Gu Baolin.

The messy, knife-like words in that diary were all saying the same thing: she was a monster. She was like a clinging, parasitic thing that latched onto her until one day she tore through her stomach and crawled out.

“I’m sorry,” Zhu Li said dully, no longer looking proud or condescending. She had always underestimated what Gu Zhu knew. She had treated her like an ignorant child, wanting to trade money and resources for her cooperation, but she didn’t know that in Gu Zhu’s eyes, she was probably an unforgivable sinner.

“The person you need to apologize to isn’t here.” Gu Zhu clutched her bag tightly. Her chest was so heavy, as if an unknown flood was about to drown her. She didn’t want to be here at all. “Let me out of the car.”

“You…” Zhu Li wanted to ask what was wrong with her, but she was interrupted again by her cold tone.

“I want to get out of the car.” Gu Zhu slammed her hand on the car door. Her head was bowed low. “Open the door.”

Sensing her emotions, Zhu Li couldn’t force her anymore. She unlocked the door and watched the girl’s thin figure stand by the side of the road. The night wind swept around her, making her sway like a rootless wildflower. Zhu Li felt as if she was seeing Gu Baolin fleeing alone. Was she also like this back then, with a frail, hunched back, in a hurried escape?

Seeing Gu Zhu wave down a taxi, get in, and drive away, Zhu Li hastily wiped away the unconscious tears that had blurred her vision. She started her car and followed.

She just followed from a distance, and only after seeing the girl safely get home and get out of the car did she stop on the street and light a cigarette.

Gu Zhu no longer had the energy to worry about Zhu Li’s presence. The room was pitch black, and the silence seemed to swallow her whole. She rushed through the living room, slammed the bathroom door shut, and began to silently vomit. The shrimp and crab that Bai Tan had painstakingly peeled, and everything else, all came rushing out of her stomach in a different form. It felt as if her internal organs were also trying to leave this monstrous body.

The switch for her tears had lost its function after years of suppression. Like a withered dried flower, she could only squeeze out blood and tears.

She pressed the flush button, splashed some water on her face, and the mirror on the wall above the sink clearly reflected a pale, disheveled person.

Gu Zhu mechanically began to brush her teeth, wash her face, and take a shower. Then she slowly returned to her room, collapsed into bed, and pulled the covers over her. The faint light from the nightlight in the living room slipped in through the crack under the door. She lay with her eyes open, starting to count over and over again.

The sky soon dawned. She got up from the bed and watered her jasmine plant, stroking its still-bare stem.

She heard the front door open. Gu Baozhi had rushed back from town early in the morning. She carried a bag of fried dough sticks and buns from the old, famous shop on the street, and a large bag of freshly squeezed soy milk. She went straight into the kitchen.

The sound of the stove being lit, the sound of the ladle stirring in the pot, the sound of Gu Baozhi taking out bowls—the sounds trickled out like a tape slowly playing, and they seemed to wake her up.

She closed her window and walked out step by step, calling out softly from the kitchen doorway, “Mom.”

“Mm, if you’re up, eat breakfast first.” Gu Baozhi nodded gently without turning to look at her, only responding with an instruction.

Gu Zhu was stunned for a moment, then slowly sat down at the table. She waited for Gu Baozhi to finish breakfast with her. When she habitually went to clear the table, she was suddenly stopped by Gu Baozhi. “Zhuzi, has the location for your competition been announced yet?”

“Is it in Shengcheng again?”

The bowl in Gu Zhu’s hand suddenly slipped and shattered on the floor with a loud sound, as if it would burst her eardrums. A wave of tinnitus forced her to close her eyes to recover, but Gu Baozhi suddenly pushed her out of the kitchen.

Gu Zhu stumbled. Her head was so dizzy she could barely see the path ahead. The living room’s entrance was opposite her room, and in just a few steps, she was pushed inside. The door was suddenly locked from the outside.

“I won’t allow you to go. You’ll stay at home during this holiday. Don’t go anywhere. When school starts, I’ll take you back to class.”

Gu Zhu fell to the floor and suddenly began to pound on the door. The wooden door rattled with her banging. She wanted to scream, but her voice was so hoarse it was unrecognizable. “You promised me!”

You promised me. You gave me your word. You wouldn’t stop me from going to the competition again. You wouldn’t lock me up again.

No one answered from outside. Her hands dropped powerlessly. She leaned against the door. Outside the window, lead-grey clouds floated, condensing a little and then dissipating. On the empty windowsill, only that little jasmine plant stood silently.

She suddenly thought:

So it turns out some flowers are destined not to bloom.

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