1122 - Chapter 41

“This is my medication for depression.”

The word ‘depression’ hit Jiang Yi like a boulder, crashing heavily onto his head.

Jiang Yi’s eyes were red-rimmed, his thin lips trembling, his brows tightly furrowed as he stared at Yan Nanchen. Tears streamed uncontrollably down his face, all words failing to describe the near-breaking point of his collapse. Even breathing felt laborious.

It was disbelief. It was unbearable.

And most of all, why?

Clenching his fists, he turned away slightly, tilting his head up as the suffocating tightness in his chest made it hard to stand steady. His lips parted, but only silent sobs escaped, too choked even to cry.

He couldn’t speak at all.

His mind went blank, his body swaying unsteadily.

“Yi Yi!” Yan Nanchen swiftly caught Jiang Yi, his heart aching at the sight of his tears. He pulled him into an embrace, soothingly rubbing his back. “I’m fine, really. As long as I take my medication on time, it’s okay. Please don’t cry.”

Jiang Yi rested his forehead against Yan Nanchen’s shoulder, lowering his gaze as tears continued to fall. He could feel Yan Nanchen’s body trembling, yet the man was forcing himself to stay still just to hold him. The more he noticed, the more his heart ached.

He didn’t know how to describe this pain suffocating, terrifying. The overwhelming flood of emotions left him unable to think yet demanding he think carefully.

Why?

Was it because of him?

Jiang Yi raised a hand, gently pushing against Yan Nanchen’s chest. His fingers trembled as they clutched at his own heart, the pain too much to bear. Slowly, he sank to his knees, tears falling as he stared at the scattered white pills on the floor.

His shaking fingertips brushed against one of the pills, the touch making his hand tremble even more.

Seeing Jiang Yi touch his medication, Yan Nanchen’s tears fell silently. The intensity of Jiang Yi’s grief made him anxious, he couldn’t bear seeing him like this. He reached out to lift him up. “You just woke up, don’t stay crouched like this. Let’s get you back to bed.”

But before he could, Jiang Yi tightly grasped his hand, startling him.

His hand was ice-cold, shaking violently.

“Puppy, did I make you sick? Didn’t I?”

A barely restrained sob echoed in the hospital room. Yan Nanchen knelt on one knee before Jiang Yi, meeting his tear-streaked face and the sheer devastation radiating from him.

In that moment, he was filled with regret.

“No, it wasn’t because of you.” Worried Jiang Yi might cry himself sick, Yan Nanchen cupped his face, wiping his tears away. Then he met Jiang Yi’s tearful gaze and felt his heart clench.

Reflected in those damp, light amber eyes was his own image along with overwhelming guilt, disbelief, and most of all, heartache.

Perhaps sensing the depth of his sorrow, Yan Nanchen lowered his head, his own eyes reddening.

“Puppy, it was because of me, wasn’t it?” Jiang Yi knelt on the floor, his hand covering Yan Nanchen’s where it still held his cheek. When Yan Nanchen suddenly looked down, the surge of heartache in his chest made him sob aloud. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

Yan Nanchen moved to embrace him as he knelt there, but at those words, he hesitated. Silently, he withdrew his hand, unable to meet his eyes.

“What right did I have to tell you? I brought this on myself.”

“When did this happen?” Jiang Yi was crying. Seeing Yan Nanchen avoid his gaze, he moved closer and cupped Yan Nanchen’s face, forcing him to look up. “Look at me when you say it.”

Yan Nanchen met Jiang Yi’s eyes, filled with heartache for him and tears streaming down his face. Unable to bear it, he averted his gaze. “Last year.”

“Yan Nanchen.” Jiang Yi’s hands trembled violently as they held Yan Nanchen’s face. Gazing at him through tears, he forced a bitter smile. “Don’t lie to me. If you lie to me again, I really won’t want you anymore.”

“Don’t leave me.” Panic flashed in Yan Nanchen’s eyes as he pulled Jiang Yi between his legs and held him tightly, his voice shaking. “I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything. Just don’t leave me.”

It was a plea stripped of pride, a fear bordering on desperation. Jiang Yi sensed something was off with Yan Nanchen.

“Tell me.” He took a deep breath to steady his emotions, trying hard not to get too worked up again.

“Five years. From diagnosis to treatment and medication, it’s been five years.”

“Why did you get depression? Was it because of me?”

“No, don’t think like that.”

“Yan Nanchen, don’t lie to me again. If it’s because of me, then it’s because of me.”

At this point, the hospital room fell into a brief silence.

Yan Nanchen pulled Jiang Yi onto his lap, burying his face in Jiang Yi’s shoulder and neck, holding him tightly as silent tears fell, his breaths coming in ragged bursts.

After a while, he finally spoke hoarsely, “I was just too afraid of losing you. Every time you said you hated Yan Nanchen, I hated myself even more. I felt like I was no good at all.”

Jiang Yi froze, as if suddenly remembering something, staring blankly at Yan Nanchen.

Tears streamed down his face once more.

“Yi Yi, I know you didn’t like me back then. Later, I changed whatever it was you didn’t like about me. At the company, whenever you came to see me, I’d have my assistant prepare your favorite drinks and snacks. I even tried to praise you as Yan Nanchen, not speaking harshly like before.”

“After we got together, I could only be puppy at night, only then could I be with you as your boyfriend, watching over you. But during the day, when you were right in front of me, I couldn’t control myself, I just wanted to look at you. During meetings, I wanted to look at you. When you chatted with my assistant, I wanted to look at you. When you came to my office for signatures, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at you.”

“Even in meetings, I used to be so disciplined, but with you sitting across from me, I couldn’t focus at all. My eyes were only on you.”

“At night, I could hold you freely, but I longed even more to hold you during the day.”

“But every time I mustered the courage to confess to you, something terrible would happen. Because of my carelessness, you went through secondary differentiation. You said Yan Nanchen ruined you, that you hated Yan Nanchen. Slowly, I started hating myself too.”

“Why did I have to be Yan Nanchen? Why was I Yan Nanchen? Why couldn’t I just be Chu Beiheng?”

“Even when the hospital asked me to sign your critical condition notice that day, I only dared to sign my brother’s name. I was terrified you’d find out. Really, I was so scaredYi Yi, I never wanted you to hate me, but I only made you hate me more and more.”

“I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you’d leave me.”

“But in the end, you still left me.”

Yan Nanchen sobbed uncontrollably, pouring out the words he had buried in his heart for five years. In that moment, he didn’t feel torment but a complete sense of liberation.

Jiang Yi’s heart ached at the sight of Yan Nanchen like this. Crying, he frantically wiped away his tears: “Puppy, I’m sorry, don’t cry.”

Yan Nanchen laughed through his tears: “You don’t need to apologize to me. I was the coward. If I had spoken up, maybe you wouldn’t have had to suffer. It’s my fault you went through that. I deserved getting depression.” Seeing Jiang Yi was frightened by his words, he kissed the corner of his lips to comfort him: “Don’t worry, I’ve always taken my medicine properly because I wanted to be well to be healthy when you came back to me.”

Jiang Yi burst into tears, sitting in Yan Nanchen’s lap as he lowered his head and kissed him with trembling lips: “Have you really been taking your medicine properly? What did the doctor say? Can you recover?”

“Yes, I’ve always taken it properly. There’s just one physical treatment I resisted because it made me forget you temporarily. I didn’t want that.” Yan Nanchen returned his kisses: “I want to remember you always.”

“Why didn’t you come after me when I smashed up the house?”

“I had a depressive episode then. When I fell, glass shards pierced my knee. I wanted to chase after you, but my grandfather broke my leg. Later, my depression worsened into severe depression, and I completely lost the ability to function. I started hallucinating that you were still with me, even deluding myself. I spent two years in the hospital.”

Hearing this, Jiang Yi completely broke down. He threw his head back, crying so hard he could barely breathe.

Perhaps he had also suffered greatly over the years, enduring the pain of losing a child, but that didn’t mean he didn’t ache for Yan Nanchen. His heart ached terribly so, so much. He had no idea his words would cut so deep.

They made Yan Nanchen constantly doubt himself and fear honesty, until he developed depression.

“Let me see your leg.” Crying, Jiang Yi slid off Yan Nanchen’s lap and reached to pull up his pant leg.

“It’s fine, it healed long ago.” Yan Nanchen pulled him into an embrace, steadying his own emotions as he soothed him with reddened eyes: “Yiyi, don’t be afraid. I’ve always taken my medicine. I never once thought of dying because I was waiting for you to come back. I still want to love you.”

“That’s not enough.” Jiang Yi’s heart ached unbearably as he cupped Yan Nanchen’s face, sobbing uncontrollably: “Why didn’t you tell me anything? Even taking medicine in secret aren’t you just making me cry?”

“How could I bear to make you cry?”

“But I’m already crying.” Jiang Yi wept helplessly, pressing kisses to Yan Nanchen’s lips over and over soft, broken kisses filled with silent tenderness, his tears salty between their lips: “Puppy, how could you get sick.”

“I’ll get better.” Yan Nanchen savored his kisses, his damp eyes shining with contentment. “Yiyi, as long as you’re by my side, I’ll recover quickly.”

Jiang Yi bent down, wrapping his arms around Yan Nanchen’s shoulders, his voice muffled: “Puppy, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

He never imagined that his past words could have caused such immense harm, and seeing this pain inflicted on Yan Nanchen broke his heart.

Over the years, he had no idea how much suffering Yan Nanchen had endured this man had kept it all bottled up without saying a word.

“If I hadn’t seen you taking your meds, would you have lied to me again?”

Yan Nanchen met Jiang Yi’s teary, aggrieved gaze and wiped his tears with the back of his hand, apologizing softly, “I was wrong. I won’t do it again, okay? Please don’t cry. If you keep crying, I’ll regret taking my meds here.”

The emptiness depression had carved into his heart over the past five years was slowly being filled. Every tear Jiang Yi shed was proof of how much he cared.

Didn’t that mean Jiang Yi still loved him deeply?

Then those five years hadn’t been torment.

Everything had meaning.

Waiting for Jiang Yi to return that was the reason he kept living.

“Don’t ever lie to me again,” Jiang Yi murmured, his head buzzing from crying. Still weak from just waking up, he rested his head on Yan Nanchen’s shoulder and added in a muffled voice, “You already have two strikes on your record with me.”

This heart-wrenching pain was suffocating, and even now, he couldn’t shake it off.

All he could do now was love Yan Nanchen well.

No more regrets.

Yan Nanchen’s tears turned into a smile. He kissed Jiang Yi’s cheek, then lifted him by the hips into his arms so Jiang Yi could look down at him. “Understood, Officer Jiang. I’ll be good from now on.”

Their eyes met, and for a long, long moment, they simply held each other’s gaze.

The evening light spilled into the room, wrapping them in a gentle glow as their intertwined shadows stretched across the floor. The scattered pills on the ground seemed like evidence of the past now that they were free, it was time to toss them into the trash.

Jiang Yi gazed at Yan Nanchen for a long while before softly calling, “Puppy.”

“Hmm?”

“You know, after I presented as an Omega, you became my only family in this world. When I asked you to mark me, it meant that without you, I wouldn’t want a future at all.”

Yan Nanchen swallowed back a sob. “Yeah, I know.”

Jiang Yi lowered his eyes, a tear slipping free. He cupped Yan Nanchen’s face, his thumb brushing over his cheek in a tender, almost playful gesture, before smiling. “So starting today, I’ll make sure you take your meds properlyjust like you did for me. We both need to stay healthy.”

“Okay.”

Their shadows shifted on the floor as a slender hand reached out, covering the larger one braced against the ground, fingers sliding between his.

Palm to palm, their hands locked together.

Jiang Yi pressed a kiss beside Yan Nanchen’s ear, his own eyes red-rimmed. “We still have so much unfinished ahead of us. We have to watch Qiao Qiao grow up. Both of us need to stay healthy.”

“Okay,” Yan Nanchen replied, closing his eyes with a deep, contented breath before repeating, “Okay.”

Jiang Yi chuckled. “Yan Nanchen, the fact that you fought against depression that you’ve come back to me so strong and safe you’re amazing.”

Perhaps it was the knot of depression in his heart, but those words of praise felt like they had shattered the chains binding Yan Nanchen.

“Really? I’m really amazing?”

“Really.” Jiang Yi leaned close to his ear, coaxing softly, “In the past, I didn’t see clearly. But now I see everything crystal clear. The person I love is amazing, he’s a responsible, caring, gentle, and dependable Alpha. He’s my puppy, and his name is…”

“Yan Nanchen.”

Yan Nanchen could no longer hold back. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jiang Yi and burst into tears.

The two embraced each other fiercely, as if racing against time to reclaim the five lost years they’d let slip away.

Love doesn’t allow hypothetical rewinds of time. It only grows through the natural flow of time, through each experience endured. The bitterness and pain they’d suffered were seared into their bones, yet it only deepened their love, ensuring they wouldn’t miss each other again.

They made a decision, to let go of the past and start anew.

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