The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Sleepless

She Was Unwilling to Delve Deeply, and Unwilling to Think

It was another sleepless late night. The cicadas outside chirped incessantly, while the air conditioner inside whirred without pause. Ji Fengyue tossed and turned in bed. After an unknown amount of time, she got up noiselessly, walked to the balcony, and silently gazed at the crescent moon hanging in the sky like a curved hook, letting out a long sigh.

Before long, however, the summer wind brought thick layers of clouds, concealing the moon completely. The irritation in Ji Fengyue’s heart grew even stronger. She returned to the dormitory and sat at the desk by the wall, staring at Shen Wangshu’s sleeping face by the meager moonlight filtering through the window.

The mosquito net tied between the beds prevented summer mosquitoes from disturbing one’s sleep, but it also made it difficult for Ji Fengyue to see Shen Wangshu’s face clearly. She felt an urge to pull back that layer of white gauze, but when she actually touched it, she didn’t dare take another step, as if afraid of disturbing the slumber of the person before her.

Ji Fengyue’s hand stalled there until the girl on the bed suddenly rolled over, making it difficult to see her face anymore. Ji Fengyue let out a heavy sigh and finally went back.

Ji Fengyue lay flat on the bed, turned her back to the wall, and closed her eyes to imagine the appearance of her beloved, the thirty-year-old, intellectual, and mature woman who had shared many years with her.

But Shen Wangshu had been away from her for too long. Their past interactions had long since become blurred memories. No matter how hard Ji Fengyue tried, all she could recall was the patient in the hospital ward becoming weaker day by day.

And that black-and-white photograph.

All memories of Shen Wangshu seemed like that photograph overlaid with a black-and-white filter by time, losing their vivid colors and leaving behind only a few intense emotional impressions.

What kind of person was the fifteen-year-old Shen Wangshu? Ji Fengyue could no longer remember clearly. She knew that the fifteen-year-old Shen Wangshu was definitely not like she was now, but she was unwilling to delve deeply, and unwilling to think about it. It was as if by exposing the abnormalities in Shen Wangshu, the beautiful dream of reunion would shatter, and she would return to that black-and-white, monotonous world.

Ji Fengyue never wanted to return to such a hopeless world again.

…

What scientific basis was there for rebirth? Why was she able to be reborn? Was it because of an obsession?

Or was this just a long dream, the result of self-consolation, the final hallucination before death?

In the three years since her rebirth, Ji Fengyue had pondered these questions countless times. She felt no sense of reality toward anything after her rebirth. The hometown she hadn’t returned to in over a decade, the relatives she hadn’t seen in over a decade—these had already blurred in her impressions. Ji Fengyue felt as if she were truly living in a dream.

After losing Shen Wangshu, half of her soul was missing. The remaining half cared about nothing; she had long since become a walking corpse.

But by clinging to the hope that “I can see Shen Wangshu in three years,” the reborn Ji Fengyue lived well. She wanted to meet Shen Wangshu in her best state, so she maintained a healthy routine and exercised regularly. She wanted to attract Shen Wangshu’s gaze, so she had to have top-tier grades. She wanted to be with Shen Wangshu without any lingering worries, so she worked hard to improve her family’s financial situation…

The premise of everything Ji Fengyue did after her rebirth was entirely “Shen Wangshu.”

She knew clearly that she was likely mad, but so what? Shen Wangshu was the most important thing. As long as she could see Shen Wangshu again, Ji Fengyue was willing to sink into this beautiful dream of rebirth.

Every day during those three years felt like a year, but Ji Fengyue finally endured it. The day of registration approached day by day. She would be able to see Shen Wangshu soon. She was very excited, very agitated, and… very afraid.

In fact, in the second year after her rebirth, Ji Fengyue’s mother hoped she would transfer to a school in the city. By then, she could already provide better living conditions for her daughter, and Ji Fengyue knew which junior high school Shen Wangshu attended and knew her home address. If Ji Fengyue wanted to, she could have gone to see her at any time.

But Ji Fengyue didn’t dare. She was afraid that this place was truly a dream and that everything in the dream came from her own impressions.

Ji Fengyue and Shen Wangshu only met after they were fifteen. Everything about Shen Wangshu before the age of fifteen was gathered by Ji Fengyue intentionally or unintentionally; she had never seen it with her own eyes, and she had no direct impression.

A person of whom one has no impression does not exist in a dream; even if they do exist, they must be distorted by the dream into something completely different.

If “Shen Wangshu” was no longer Shen Wangshu, then rebirth would not be a beautiful dream, but a total nightmare. Ji Fengyue could not accept it; such a dream would have no reason to exist.

She would rather harbor hope and suffer through the wait of seeing Shen Wangshu in the future.

The days of waiting eventually come to an end. Just the day before registration, Ji Fengyue stayed awake all night. She arrived at the school early. At that time, the campus was shrouded in a layer of hazy mist, no different from fifteen years later.

Ignoring everything else, Ji Fengyue rushed to the classroom. She placed many books on the desks in the front row to claim seats. No matter where Shen Wangshu chose to sit, they would be desk-mates.

Afterward, Ji Fengyue sat on a bench in the small woods and waited quietly. From here, she could clearly see everyone entering the teaching building.

During the wait where every second felt like a year, Ji Fengyue’s thoughts drifted back to long ago without her realizing it.

She had long known that Shen Wangshu and she were not the same kind of people.

Shen Wangshu could easily build good relationships with many people. No matter who it was, being with her was very comfortable, as if she would tolerate whatever they did or said.

And that was also why the extremely polarized Ji Fengyue of the past could become friends with Shen Wangshu.

As long as Shen Wangshu wanted to, almost no one would dislike her.

When the two entered university, Ji Fengyue would occasionally see her in noisy crowds, seemingly surrounded by people, with everyone around her liking her very much.

At that time, Ji Fengyue would wonder why Shen Wangshu was inseparable from her during high school. Her personality was not good one could even say she was arrogant, cared for no one, and only thought about how to improve her grades.

Later, Ji Fengyue discovered that the reason was simple. In fact, Shen Wangshu was lazy about proactively socializing with people. In her bones, she had a kind of social inertia; as long as there was someone beside her who could satisfy her social needs, Shen Wangshu would not take the initiative to maintain interpersonal relationships with more people.

As students who came from out of town, Shen Wangshu and Ji Fengyue naturally stood outside the various small groups. Combined with the fact that they were roommates and in the closest bunk beds, they naturally had opportunities to interact.

Furthermore, they came from the same city, and they always went home together during holidays, so their relationship naturally deepened.

Shen Wangshu didn’t mind Ji Fengyue’s occasional thorns, and Ji Fengyue didn’t reject Shen Wangshu’s approach. Without knowing when it started, the two became friends who always acted together.

If those external conditions hadn’t existed, Ji Fengyue knew she might never have become best friends with Shen Wangshu.

She would have watched Shen Wangshu from outside the crowd with eyes of cold envy, then turned away to march toward her own goals.

Perhaps the two would have crossed paths due to temporary activities, but they would definitely never have become intimate best friends who told each other everything.

But fortunately, those external conditions existed. Ji Fengyue was regarded as a best friend by Shen Wangshu. That was why, after the college entrance examination results were released, Shen Wangshu contacted Ji Fengyue. Discovering her friend was out of contact, she obtained her home address from the head teacher and rushed to her home alone at Ji Fengyue’s most critical and vulnerable moment, pulling Ji Fengyue out of that dark corner.

Perhaps to Shen Wangshu, she had only done a trivial little thing. She would never know what kind of existence she had become in Ji Fengyue’s heart.

But in the end, Shen Wangshu left her forever due to an unexpected car accident, and Ji Fengyue lost the most important part of her life forever.

The painful memories of her previous life passed quickly. The mist permeating the campus gradually dispersed, and summer sunlight filtered into the woods. Ji Fengyue could feel her heart beating faster and faster. She was so nervous she didn’t dare move, stiff as if she had merged with the trees there, truly becoming a wooden person.

Finally, Ji Fengyue saw the figure she had been yearning for. Although the Shen Wangshu she saw was very different from her impression her hairstyle was a childish short bob and her stature was much shorter with just one glance, Ji Fengyue was certain: that was her Xiaoyue.

Ji Fengyue was so excited she almost cheered aloud. She used a great deal of effort to barely suppress the excitement in her heart.

Not long after, Shen Wangshu walked out of the teaching building. Like a stalker, Ji Fengyue followed far behind Shen Wangshu. She watched the girl’s back with obsession; everything else was just a background for the reunion, and Ji Fengyue didn’t care at all.

When filling out information and choosing a dormitory at the dorm auntie’s desk, Ji Fengyue signed her name under Shen Wangshu’s without hesitation.

Their names could finally be lined up together again. Although it was just a school dormitory, they could finally live together again. For Ji Fengyue, who had suffered through several years, this was undoubtedly the best reward.

Shen Wangshu would never know how long Ji Fengyue spent preparing herself mentally at the corner of the nearby stairwell before walking into the dormitory. She desperately suppressed the joy in her heart and finally managed a calm expression, just to avoid causing her beloved any aversion.

Ji Fengyue gently pushed open the door and met the eyes of the girl she had been yearning for.

At this moment, Ji Fengyue thought from the bottom of her heart that even if rebirth were truly just a dream, it was the most wonderful dream possible.