The Moon Upon My Heart - Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Decision

She Remained Awake All Night

By the time Shen Wangshu finished her IV drip and returned to the dormitory, the other roommates had already finished washing up and were attending to their own business. Seeing the two return, they began asking after Shen Wangshu’s condition all at once.

Shen Wangshu replied with a wry smile: “I’m fine, it was just acute gastroenteritis. It stopped hurting after the IV.”

“But you still have to take medicine. I will supervise you to make sure you take your meds and eat on time,” Ji Fengyue said as she placed the bag of medicine on the table at the head of Shen Wangshu’s bed. “We need to observe for at least three days.”

Noticing the unnaturalness on Shen Wangshu’s face, Ji Fengyue pushed up her glasses, gave her no chance to refuse, and took a towel to the bathroom to shower.

Shen Wangshu felt bitterness in her heart, but she truly could find no reason to refuse. She could only sit on her bed, cupping her face and sighing silently.

Even worse, after a short while, her phone rang.

The screen showed it was a call from her mother, Li Ming. Shen Wangshu lowered her eyes and answered. From the other end of the receiver came “concern” that sounded as if it were laced with thorns. Her mood worsened.

“Mhm. Sorry, Mom. Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

“Student Ji accompanied me for the injection. Okay, I will thank her properly. She is a good person, I know. Mhm, I’ll be careful.”

Hanging up the phone, Shen Wangshu’s mood was terrible. She hung her head and gripped her phone tightly. Suddenly looking up, she saw that Ji Fengyue, who had already finished her shower, was standing right before her bed, startling her into a daze.

“Shen Wangshu, I’m finished washing. You go too; the dorm auntie will probably turn off the lights soon.”

“Oh, oh, okay. I’ll go right now. Hurry and dry your hair, don’t let the air conditioner give you a cold.”

“Mhm.” Ji Fengyue took the hair dryer out of her locker, watching Shen Wangshu’s movements only with her peripheral vision. Seeing her enter the bathroom, Ji Fengyue’s brows knitted together, then relaxed again, though it was unclear what she was thinking.

Shen Wangshu entered the bathroom with her towel and locked the door; only then could she finally let out a long breath.

She gazed at the water droplets condensing on the bathroom ceiling, closed her eyes gently, and let out a sigh in her heart.

Sigh…

The high school dormitory would cut off electricity and water punctually at 10:30 PM. Shen Wangshu did not stay in the bathroom long and came out quickly. Because she currently had the short hair of a student, it dried exceptionally fast. However, while she was washing her clothes, the power in the dormitory finally went out.

From the balcony, she could vaguely hear a girl cry out somewhere, seemingly startled. Shen Wangshu didn’t mind; the moonlight was good tonight, so she didn’t feel it was dark and continued scrubbing her clothes.

But very soon, an artificial light illuminated the balcony. Shen Wangshu turned around to look behind her; it was Ji Fengyue standing there with a desk lamp: “I’ll lend you the lamp for now, just return it when you’re done.”

“…Thank you.” Shen Wangshu’s eyes were stinging intensely, so she could only lower her head and speed up her pace. The sound of light, slow footsteps grew distant, the “creak” of the wooden door closing fell, and the ripples in the bucket stirred up white foam, illuminated clearly by the desk lamp placed to the side.

After hanging her clothes to dry, Shen Wangshu walked to the bed. Since she hadn’t yet hit her growth spurt, she had to stand on her tiptoes to hand the lamp into the mosquito net of the upper bunk: “Thank you, Ji Fengyue.”

“Mhm. You’re unwell today, rest early. If your stomach hurts again, remember to tell me.”

Shen Wangshu answered softly: “Okay.”

She lay down on her bed, staring blankly at the mottled wooden bed board above her. More than one desk lamp was lit in the dormitory; the light filtered through the snow-white mosquito net into Shen Wangshu’s eyes, piercingly bright.

Shen Wangshu closed her eyes. She tried hard to empty her mind to let herself fall asleep as soon as possible, but sleepiness always likes to spite people. Even though she was already exhausted, she simply couldn’t fall asleep.

No one in the dorm was talking; the surroundings were excessively quiet, allowing Shen Wangshu to hear the creaking sounds from the wooden boards above. She couldn’t help but wonder what Ji Fengyue was doing. She was tossing and turning—what was she coming down for? Was she also finding it hard to sleep?

She probably was. Definitely. After all, she cared about her so much; they were best friends, family members who acknowledged each other without being related by blood.

“Shen Wangshu, are you going to sleep?”

The caring words reached her ears. Shen Wangshu nodded stiffly. She didn’t dare open her eyes, answering in a small voice: “Mhm, I didn’t rest well last night…”

“Okay, remember to cover yourself with a quilt, don’t catch a cold. I’ll turn the AC temperature up a bit. Everyone rest early tonight, we have morning self-study tomorrow.” The latter words were said by Ji Fengyue to the other roommates. Shen Wangshu could feel that the desk lamps illuminating the dorm seemed to have all gone out.

Feeling the movement of Ji Fengyue getting into bed, Shen Wangshu slowly opened her eyes. Her eyes were swollen and aching, but Ji Fengyue was too close to her. She bit her lip hard, not daring to make the slightest sound. She could only noiselessly hide herself inside the quilt. Darkness completely enveloped everything; the light from outside could no longer penetrate.

Now that no one could see, Shen Wangshu could finally drop a little bit of her restraint. She let the tears suppressed in her heart flow, allowing them to wet her cheeks and soak into the newly fitted quilt that smelled of sunlight.

Shen Wangshu covered her weeping eyes tightly; her throat was deathly dry. In this solitary, dark corner, the questions that caused her immense agony surged into her heart once more.

Ji Fengyue still cared about her deeply; she was still so concerned. In the afternoon, the sweat seeping from her palms was so obvious, and in the evening, her reaction was more intense than she had ever seen. The facts were already clear: Ji Fengyue’s death must be related to her.

Shen Wangshu’s overly superior brain immediately thought of many possibilities, and the appearance of each one cut another wound into her already scarred heart.

How was she supposed to face her? Could she still be friends with her? She didn’t dare; she simply couldn’t do it.

Could she escape? Ji Fengyue would not let her escape. Now they were roommates in bunks and desk-mates at the closest distance; she couldn’t avoid her anywhere, she couldn’t escape.

At this moment, a massive sense of guilt tightly gripped Shen Wangshu’s heart, causing her to involuntarily produce this thought if only she hadn’t been reborn. If only she had truly died in the hospital.

But was escaping reality useful? Could it make Ji Fengyue give up her concern for her? Could it make the pain inside her vanish?

Time trickled away along with her tears. It felt as if the oxygen inside the quilt had been used up; the agony of impending suffocation forced Shen Wangshu to prop up her hand and open a small slit in the tightly wrapped quilt. Terrifyingly cold fresh air rushed in. She turned on her side, facing the wall, and exhaled a light, slow breath.

In truth, the reality was already clear: she only had one path to take.

She could not run away. She could not let Ji Fengyue see her abnormality, and even more, she could not reveal any fragility or sadness in front of her.

Could she pretend to be normal? To be honest, Shen Wangshu did not have a shred of confidence. Ji Fengyue knew her too well; she might even know Shen Wangshu better than Shen Wangshu knew herself…

No, it hadn’t reached that extent yet. At least Ji Fengyue couldn’t see her romantic love. They had lived together for so long, and everyone around them agreed they must be a little couple, yet Ji Fengyue only ever said they were best friends, family.

Yes, as honest as Ji Fengyue was, how could she guess that her best friend actually loved her deeply? That their interactions always carried Shen Wangshu’s unspoken selfish motives? Every time she said “best friend” or “family,” she was rubbing salt into Shen Wangshu’s wounds, making her incredibly sad, yet forced to agree with a smile.

Ji Fengyue would never think in that direction, and Shen Wangshu would never proactively take that step. She would forever stand within the zone of “best friend,” looking at that line of “more than friends but less than lovers” and suffering in secret. Yet the most ironic part was that this boundary, which Shen Wangshu once hated, had now become her life-saving straw.

In their previous life, they were friends who had been together for fifteen years, as intimate as family. But now, they were merely “classmates” who had met for the first day and shared no tacit understanding.

If she made Ji Fengyue realize this made her understand that her friend had already died in the hospital in her previous life, and the fifteen-year-old Shen Wangshu could never become her replacement then, would Ji Fengyue… proactively give up on her?

The moment this thought emerged, the tears that Shen Wangshu had already stopped began to flow once more for some reason. She instinctively curled into a ball under the quilt, but because she was worried about being discovered, she had to force herself to change her posture.

It would be terrible if Ji Fengyue saw. But it was okay; it was only for now. She wouldn’t have to worry later.

On the first night of her rebirth, the determined Shen Wangshu remained awake all night.