Still Secretly In Love With My Enemy Today - Chapter 10

Chapter 10: 

 

At this moment, all the moonlight shadows on the ground seemed to freeze.

 

The shadow of the bed curtains fell across Xie Huaishuang’s face. His expression remained calm, as if he had just said something entirely inconsequential.

 

How did he know it was me—and when did he find out?

 

I had never mentioned my identity. He couldn’t see me or hear me. Not only did I not kill or harm him, but I had practically been taking care of him. How could he possibly guess that I was his arch-nemesis?

 

It made no sense. No matter how I thought about it, I felt I had played the part of a seamless passerby. It defied logic.

 

Dazed, I scribbled frantically in his hand: “Since when?”

 

Xie Huaishuang looked at me, the deep green pools of his eyes motionless. They were clear, yet at this moment, they looked bottomless.

 

“Since last night.”

 

—The very first time we met at the Linlang Pavilion.

 

So he knew who I was from the very beginning. Then why did he talk to me so much, walk down that long street with me, and act this out for so long?

 

I couldn’t see through Xie Huaishuang. It was as if he was always veiled by something—like a thick mist in a deep mountain valley, or the steam rising from burning black amber, obscuring his face and eyes. Just when I thought I had caught a glimpse of him, he would suddenly retreat back into the blurred fog, making me feel as if that brief bit of warmth was merely my imagination.

 

“Zhu Pingsheng.”

 

He murmured my name again. His voice was still very soft, but it was like an icicle dropped into boiling water, sizzling and spreading across my heart.

 

Xie Huaishuang sat up a bit. I froze for a second before reacting and moving back.

 

For all I knew, he might be trying to kill me.

 

“I didn’t intend to hide it from you.”

 

Then why see through it and not say anything? What schemes was he plotting, or did he just find my behavior amusing? Or…

 

“It’s just that I didn’t expect…” He paused, a hint of hesitation appearing on his face. “You seemed to truly believe… that I didn’t know.”

 

Wait. That was a bit convoluted.

 

I had originally decided never to touch his hand again or speak to him, but it felt so bizarre that I couldn’t help but write quickly in his palm: “How exactly did you figure it out?”

 

For the first time, I saw Xie Huaishuang make an expression as if he were choking on something. Even when he ate, he only took tiny bites.

 

“What detail did you actually pay attention to?” he asked.

 

“Who wears these kinds of gloves every day?” His fingertip touched my glove and traced upward. “How could an ordinary person have calluses in these specific spots?”

 

“Who would run into a place like this to say such strange things to me?”

 

“Who would possess a weapon like this?”

 

“Who would…”

 

After listing everything, he added one more sentence: “You didn’t pay attention to a single detail. But even if you had, I would still recognize you.”

 

“Why?”

 

Xie Huaishuang didn’t speak. He turned his head away, his lips pressed tightly together.

 

“In your heart,” he said, “have I always been this dull-witted?”

 

I froze, then immediately grabbed his hand.

 

—Talk about the villain suing first!

 

“When did I ever say you were dull? It was clearly you who looked down on me all day,” I wrote, getting angrier as I went. “As expected of the Great Priest, how can you still turn the tables like this—when did I ever underestimate you?”

 

Xie Huaishuang was startled. His eyelashes fluttered, and he slowly turned his face back toward me.

 

“When did I ever look down on you?”

 

…If he weren’t in this state right now, I would definitely drag him out for a fight immediately. Immediately.

 

For ten whole years, he wasn’t even willing to say a single word to me, hadn’t even looked me in the eye, and now he had the nerve to say, “When did I ever look down on you.” Is that something a human being says?

 

“If you didn’t look down on me, why wouldn’t you listen to me speak?”

 

“When did you ever want to speak?”

 

“Then why wouldn’t you look me in the eye?”

 

“If I looked at you even once more, my life would have been lost to your hand. What was there to look at?”

 

“Then what was with you always chasing me down to fight?”

 

“As if you weren’t chasing me down to fight?”

 

“…”

 

I was speechless. We just stared at each other, both feeling completely baffled. I thought, perhaps this is what they call “uncongenial conversation.”

 

Xie Huaishuang sat curled in a ball, hugging his knees, his long hair draped over his body. He stared at me gloomily from a few feet away. When he spoke again, his voice was muffled.

 

“Didn’t you say… it ‘didn’t exactly’ count as hate?”

 

Wait. Why ask that again?

 

From the moment our identities were revealed, I had assumed all the previous words were void—the talk of hate or not hate, and the question of being willing to leave with me, none of it counted anymore.

 

He knew exactly who I was just now, yet he actually believed those words. But we have been enemies for ten years; what was the point of arguing over whether we hated each other or not?

 

If he weren’t in this situation right now, the tips of our swords would only be pointed at each other. There was no other possibility.

 

—Our positions were fixed. The choice I wanted to make and the choice I could make were two different things. Perhaps the “Zhu Pingsheng who was a passerby” would truly say she didn’t hate him, but the “Zhu Pingsheng of Tieyun City” wouldn’t—or rather, couldn’t.

 

“Then why don’t you kill me?”

 

“Killing you now wouldn’t count as winning against you.”

 

Xie Huaishuang raised his eyelashes and looked at me unblinkingly. The shadows of the curtains swayed back and forth, and the two points of deep green flickered in the shifting light.

 

“Is winning against me… that important?”

 

It was very important. Extremely important.

 

I thought, it was precisely because of this that I couldn’t bear to see him fall into the mud, couldn’t bear to see him deaf and blind, couldn’t bear to see him suffer a hundred kinds of torment, couldn’t bear to see him fall from the starry sky. That was why I wanted to do everything I could—and even things I couldn’t—to make him pick up his sword again.

 

But I didn’t tell him all that. I only said: “Yes.”

 

Xie Huaishuang pulled his hand back.

 

“Why do you want to take me away?” he asked. “Is it also… just to win against me? Or to guard against me?”

 

It seemed like it was, yet it also seemed like it wasn’t. But at this moment, I truly couldn’t think of any other reason, so I tapped his hand twice in affirmation.

 

It took a long time before he finally nodded, indicating he understood.

 

The shadows of the moon had already shifted several times. By this point, both he and I knew that tonight’s conversation could go no further.

 

The second watch was nearly over.

 

“Zhu Pingsheng.”

 

As I lay back down, I heard him call me through the curtains and the screen. Judging by the sound, his back was likely turned to me as well.

 

“Don’t call me ‘Priest’ anymore,” his voice was very low. “I am not one now. And I won’t be in the future.”

 

…

 

In the morning, I applied medicine to him just as I had yesterday. The medicine I bought yesterday afternoon was better than what I usually used.

 

Xie Huaishuang’s hands remained properly placed on his knees, but they were clenched tightly. Under his porcelain-white skin, the faint blue and purple traces of his veins seemed even clearer.

 

When I looked up, I saw that his hair wasn’t fully tied back; a few strands had escaped, trailing over his shoulders down to the front of his robe, as if he hadn’t been paying attention while tying it.

 

Looking further up, I saw Xie Huaishuang’s gaze fixed on a spot to the side, avoiding me.

 

The weather today was quite nice. I had promised him yesterday afternoon that today we would scout the layout of the eastern side of the Linlang Pavilion’s second floor and then go see the pond I mentioned.

 

I was just thinking about how to start the conversation while slowly spreading the ointment over his wound when he suddenly asked:

 

“Will you leave today?”

 

I closed the medicine bottle and met his eyes, feeling a bit confused.

 

“Where would I go?”

 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I probably…”

 

He paused, appearing to have reached a resolution—just as he had when he gave me the sword tassel—and spoke quickly.

 

“I probably can never recover to the way I was before. If you… if you only want to win against the ‘me’ of the past, then I’m afraid I have no way. You don’t need to delay yourself any further.”

 

Having said his piece, he seemed to let out a sigh of relief, yet he watched me intently as if he could actually see me.

 

Wait. I had stayed awake for a long time after lying down last night, and I heard Xie Huaishuang tossing and turning too. He couldn’t have spent the whole night brooding over this, could he?

 

“If you’re going to leave, you might as well leave today.”

 

What kind of talk was that?

 

I wiped my fingertips clean, grabbed his clenched right hand, and used some force to make him open his palm. “I’m not leaving. I’ll find a way.”

 

“What if even you can’t think of a way?” He frowned, his fingertips curling, but his expression was extremely serious. “I know my own condition best. There’s no need to pursue things with little hope.”

 

I hadn’t expected him to say such a thing. Startled, I froze while pressing down on his hand.

 

A beam of sunlight divided the room into light and shadow. Xie Huaishuang sat in the dark, remaining silent after saying those words. I crouched before him, looking at him, and a surge of fear immediately rushed through me.

 

I had always thought that he was also holding onto the hope that he might one day recover, and that was why he had endured those days in the Linlang Pavilion instead of ending his own life.

 

But he had used the phrase “things with little hope.”

 

Revenge or restoring his cultivation—I couldn’t think of any other reasons that would sustain Xie Huaishuang through this. He didn’t seem to care about the former, and he had even dismissively brushed aside the latter.

 

If someone who was once brilliant and admired by thousands on a high altar fell into a situation like this, if they had no hope at all, how much longer could they endure? How much longer would they be willing to endure?

 

I didn’t dare think about it.

 

“I’ll find a way, I will definitely find a way,” I repeated almost instinctively, the words escaping my lips even faster than I could write them in his hand. “There must be hope… there must be a little hope. Even if it’s just a little… just a little will do, okay?”

 

Messy and incoherent, I wrote it over and over in Xie Huaishuang’s hand with great urgency.

 

Xie Huaishuang’s brow relaxed for a moment, then furrowed in confusion again.

 

“You’re not leaving?”

 

Why was he so obsessed with this?

 

“I’m not leaving.”

 

The sun rose higher, and the line between light and shadow slowly pushed forward half an inch. He lowered his eyes, his eyelashes casting shadows in the sunlight.

 

“What you want… I’m afraid I can’t give it to you now, or in the future.”

 

He was clearly trying to drive me away; I felt I should be unhappy. But as I looked at his expressionless face, the first thought that came to me was that he seemed unhappy.

 

What do you do when someone is unhappy?

 

When I’m unhappy, if it’s Senior Sister Chen or Senior Brother He, they’ll quietly help me fix the blueprints I can never get right. If it’s the City Lord, she’ll take me to see the weapon vault she doesn’t easily open. If it’s Dali… Dali will sit with me by my flowers and plants and curse the loathsome Priest with me.

 

It seemed like none of those were quite right for Xie Huaishuang. Aside from soup dumplings, sugar goldfish, and purple magnolias, I didn’t even know what he liked yet. What was I supposed to do?

 

I thought about it for a long time, so long that my legs went numb from crouching. I stood up and stomped my feet twice. When I leaned over, my shadow completely covered him. “Didn’t you say you wanted to scout the second floor today?”

 

Xie Huaishuang didn’t say anything, but his gaze fell on my face.

 

“We’re going now,” I wrote quickly in his hand. “Then I’ll take you out. The sun is nice outside.”

 

Thinking of the purple magnolias just now made me remember that when my two magnolia plants withered, I would move them outside to a sunny spot. Magnolias really like the sun. If sunning worked for flowers, maybe it would work for Xie Huaishuang too?

 

Xie Huaishuang seemed to be at odds with me all morning. Whenever I took his hand, he would pull it back, but this time he didn’t pull it away immediately and let me hold it obediently.

 

His voice was low: “You’re not leaving today?”

 

He was still thinking about driving me away. How could he hate me this much?

 

But I wasn’t leaving. Until he turned back into that loathsome, arrogant man, I absolutely would not leave.

 

Anyway, now that he knew I was the Zhu Pingsheng who hated him most and fought with him every day, I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I simply drew a “X” in his hand. He asked again: “What about the day after tomorrow?”

 

I drew another “X”.

 

“What about the day after the day after tomorrow?”

 

I couldn’t help but poke his palm. Why did this man talk so much?

 

“I said I’m not leaving, so I’m not leaving. Stop trying to drive me away.”

 

Xie Huaishuang stared at me, his lips still pressed tight. It took a long time before a trace of a smile flickered across his face—cold and faint, like a shadow.

 

I snorted inwardly. He must have been laughed out of sheer annoyance by me.

 

—So what? He’ll just have to endure it.