Spring Night of Misty Rain - Chapter 19

“Ugh…”

A tidal wave of memory surged up, drowning her. Those fragmented images exploded in her mind like shrapnel; the jagged pieces wedged themselves in her throat, inducing a phantom urge to vomit.

Shen Zeyu instinctively pulled her legs up, curling into a ball on the passenger seat as she began to retch uncontrollably.

Chen Ci, who had been rambling on, immediately noticed her reaction. Seeing her curled up and shaking, Chen Ci’s expression turned to one of pure panic. “A-Ze… what’s wrong, A-Ze?”

The stress response forced Shen Zeyu to hug herself tight, shivering violently against the door. She could still hear Chen Ci’s voice, and swallowing hard, she managed to force out, “I’m… fine…”

“It’s just a little… stress reaction to the rain,” she added weakly, trying to soothe Chen Ci. “Focus on the road, Senior Sister. I’ll be okay once I rest a bit and let the medicine kick in.”

Seeing her bury her head in her arms, her body trembling like a frightened rabbit, Chen Ci was consumed with worry. “Are you really okay? How about I turn around at the next exit and take you back to the hospital?”

Shen Zeyu looked up from her arms, her eyes wet and shimmering. She forced a weak smile. “I can do it. No need for the hospital.”

“The doctor said I’m fine, so I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

She still had work to finish. Even if she was having an episode now, she wouldn’t choose to be hospitalized.

Despite her firm words, Chen Ci remained uneasy. “But…”

Shen Zeyu sighed and reached for her backpack in the back seat. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll take my medicine right now.”

Chen Ci said quickly, “Okay, take it. Hurry.”

Shen Zeyu tore open the fresh packaging of her new medication, taking a large handful of various pills and washing them down with warm water.

She took them with a practiced ease that made Chen Ci’s heart ache.

If it weren’t for the fact that driving in the rain required her full concentration, Chen Ci would have started lecturing her. Seeing her finish the pills, Chen Ci urged, “Recline the seat and get some sleep. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”

“Mm.”

Under the state of acute stress, the physical symptoms brought on by her emotions were agonizing. Her stomach cramped, and her heart ached—a pain so sharp she wished she could carve her heart out, chop it into pieces, and grind it into the dirt with a stone. It felt as if only that would alleviate the hollow, icy agony deep within her soul.

She curled tighter on the seat, pressing a fist against her chest and biting her lower lip.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

The overloaded pain had no outlet. She felt the need for a sharp knife to sink into her skin until her body was covered in scars and blood. Or perhaps a hard wall to run into—again and again—until her head was broken and bleeding.

Anything would do, as long as it provided physical pain. Only then could she use pain to stop the pain.

The craving for physical suffering completely hijacked her brain. In the past, she would have already acted on it.

But now Chen Ci was right beside her. The only person in this world she considered family was sitting right there. She couldn’t do it; she couldn’t let Chen Ci see her wounds and cry.

Shen Zeyu managed to pull a sliver of her mind back from the chaos and spoke with a trembling voice, “Senior Sister, say something. Anything.”

Chen Ci began to speak cautiously, trying to distract her. “Alright… then I’ll tell you about that talented kid I mentioned before…”

“Her family situation is quite the drama. She has autism, and her father divorced her mother because of it when she was very young. Her mother raised her alone, and when she discovered the girl’s talent for painting, she sent her to our school…”

“Recently, that girl won the gold prize in the youth division—a hundred thousand yuan in prize money. Now her father has suddenly shown up at their door again…”

Chen Ci stopped talking about her husband and shifted the topic entirely to her students.

The observant Shen Zeyu naturally noticed the shift. She understood that Chen Ci had misunderstood—thinking that hearing about a couple’s intimacy had triggered memories of Shang Qiuchi. In reality, this had very little to do with Shang Qiuchi.

From the beginning, Shang Qiuchi had only ever been a trigger. The true underlying cause was something no one knew—except for her doctor and herself.

However, Shen Zeyu didn’t have the energy to explain. The increased dosage of medication was making her drowsy. Leaning against the seat, she drifted off to the sound of Chen Ci’s voice and the rhythmic patter of the rain.

Her sleep was restless. Dreams and reality blurred together, squeezing her thoughts into a mess of chaotic memories.

One moment, she was in her teens, and Shang Qiuchi was sitting on the back of her bicycle as they circled Jinwu Avenue over and over to watch the sunset.

The next, she was back in university, filming on the streets of Nanjiang with Chen Ci. In the lens, Shang Qiuchi stood on a bridge with her back to them, wearing a white silk qipao, her long hair held up by an ebony hairpin. She looked slender and infinitely graceful.

Vaguely, she remembered calling out in the dream: “Qiuchi, turn around.”

The person in the dream turned her head, her face blurred, leaving only a confused question: “Teacher?”

Shen Zeyu woke up with a start.

When she opened her eyes again, she found Chen Ci leaning over her, face full of concern. “A-Ze, are you awake?”

The medication was still in full effect, leaving Shen Zeyu’s head heavy and groggy. She sat up slightly, squinting out the window. It took a moment for her to recognize the three-story house. “Are we home?”

Chen Ci nodded. “Mm.”

Shen Zeyu stretched, unbuckled her seatbelt, and said to Chen Ci, “I’m heading in, then.”

Chen Ci wasn’t quite at ease. She followed her out of the car, carrying her bag and walking her up to her room on the second floor.

The drugs made Shen Zeyu incredibly sleepy, and her emotions felt fuzzy and distant. She wanted to sleep the moment she walked in, but Chen Ci grabbed her arm, her expression grave as she gave her instructions. “If you feel uncomfortable in any way, you must tell me immediately. Your health comes first. Even if the work doesn’t get done, it doesn’t matter, okay?”

Shen Zeyu’s brain was muddled, but she nodded anyway.

Chen Ci sighed. Seeing her transform from a hyper-sensitive, panicked rabbit into a dazed, simple-minded person made her heart heavy.

She couldn’t help but pull Shen Zeyu into a hug. “Why are you so easy to bully? Everyone gets their licks in until they’ve bullied you into this state…”

Her voice carried a hint of a sob. Shen Zeyu leaned against her shoulder, patting her back awkwardly.

Given Shen Zeyu’s current condition, Chen Ci didn’t dare show too much emotion. She sniffed, pushed Shen Zeyu back, and rubbed her hair. “Go to sleep. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”

“Mm.” Shen Zeyu nodded. She looked at Chen Ci, hesitating before she spoke. “Senior Sister…”

Chen Ci’s eyes were still rimmed with red. “Yes?”

Shen Zeyu took a deep breath and looked up at her, her eyes darting away slightly. “If… if I told you that I’ve actually done very, very bad things… that I’m not as ‘easy to bully’ as you think, and I’m not innocent at all…”

“Would you still…”

Chen Ci’s eyes widened instantly. “What bad thing did you do? Arson? Murder? Armed robbery? Tax evasion? Seven babies in one birth?”

Shen Zeyu pursed her lips, looking deeply conflicted. It took a long while before she squeezed out a phrase: “An unsuccessful attempt at being ‘the other woman’.”

“Huh?”

Chen Ci was stunned. She couldn’t help but blurting out, “When on earth did you do something that shameful?”

Shen Zeyu fell silent. She reached up to scratch her cheek, then turned toward her room. “I’m going to sleep. Remember to close the door for me, Senior Sister.”

She shut the door with a thud, leaving Chen Ci to stare blankly at the “Little Pig” sign hanging on the door.