I've Tried Going Back to Life After Dying - Chapter 40

“P-p-pleased to meet you, my lady!”

She stood ramrod straight and greeted me with a voice far too loud for what one would expect from an educated noble lady. Then she bowed so sharply I almost expected to hear a whooshing sound.

Déjà vu.

Well, of course. She was unmistakably Helen. The very same Helen whom Clifford had found and transferred his affections to his concubine Helen.

Yet the Helen before me now was Helen and yet not Helen. She was the daughter of a viscount’s family who had just graduated from the academy this spring.

Hildegard realized that by changing her own path, she had inadvertently prevented these two lovers from meeting in this lifetime.

Because Clifford was now in the empire.

She had done something terrible.

Without meaning to, she had separated two souls meant to find each other.

Yes, if her memories served correctly, in their previous life Helen had become Clifford’s concubine immediately after graduating from the academy.

Should she send a letter to Clifford in the empire now? Or perhaps it would be quicker to send this young lady before her directly to the empire?

She found herself entertaining such impossible thoughts.

Soft golden hair, hazel eyes.

She remembered Helen from that first day they met standing in the garden of the annex, her golden hair illuminated by sunlight, her eyes wide as she stared at Hildegard.

Fresh out of the academy and made into a concubine, Helen’s face still retained traces of childish innocence.

That same innocence remained now, as Helen before her blushed faintly.

Why was she here?

No, Hildegard knew the answer better than anyone. Helen had been hired as Lauren’s maid, and today was their interview.

Lauren had previously had a maid named Helen, but she had recently decided to marry and resigned. So, the domestic agency had introduced this Helen as her replacement.

When Lauren said,

“Helen? Same name. Saves me the trouble of remembering a new one. She’ll do,”

Hildegard had thought, “Another Helen?” but agreed without protest.

She had grown so accustomed to her current life that she had completely forgotten that this world also had its own version of Helen.

“You’re Professor Ludia’s granddaughter, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Did you know my grandfather?”

“Indeed. Both my husband and I were taught by him.”

Helen was the granddaughter of a noble academy professor.

In their previous life, Hildegard hadn’t realized this because he taught “Estate Management.” Back then, she had been in the “General Studies” track.

“Before the maid position here, my grandfather actually brought up the idea of me becoming a concubine…”

“Wait, what? He suggested his own granddaughter as a concubine?”

“Yes, well… our family are landless nobles. My father fell ill last winter and resigned from his civil service post, so…”

Helen had said the same before that her family was struggling financially. That was why she and her mother had done gardening work, which she was good at. She had said this when she was still young enough to retain that childlike innocence.

“Grandfather retired from teaching, and our household consists only of women, three sisters. My elder sister’s husband is also a civil servant, and as the youngest, I have no fiancé. It’s true our family is in financial difficulty. But my parents never considered the concubine idea. It was Grandfather who said he had connections.”

“Connections?”

“He said he had a former student from a marquis’ household.”

“Wait a moment. You don’t mean…”

Her heart pounded wildly in her chest.

A marquis’ son who studied Estate Management.

“That marquis’ family, it’s not the Longfall marquisate, is it?”

“Eh? Yes. The current head, Lord Allen…”

“Lord Allen…”

Allen was Clifford’s younger brother. In this life, he had inherited the marquisate in Clifford’s stead.

Hildegard felt the tension drain from her shoulders.

“Did… did you discuss the concubine matter with Lord Allen?”

“Yes. Grandfather asked if he could help, given our circumstances. He was apparently well-liked as a teacher.”

Hildegard understood that well. She too had been indebted to him.

In this life, Clifford had studied under him for just one year before transferring to General Studies in his second year.

His brother Allen had also studied Estate Management, so he must have been taught by Helen’s grandfather.

“Grandfather said if that didn’t work out, we’d have to find someone willing to take me as a second wife…”

Oh, my dear husband. You…

Hildegard couldn’t help but close her eyes at Helen’s words.

She realized something she had long believed was actually quite different from the truth.

In their past life, you were asked by your teacher to take Helen in, weren’t you? You accepted responsibility for her to prevent her from being forced into some unknown household as a second wife.

You could have told me.

There were so many other ways besides making her your concubine.

Then it struck her.

Clifford had taken Helen as his concubine about four years after marrying Hildegard.

At the time, criticism had been growing against Hildegard for failing to conceive.

There was one particularly troublesome relative.

This person had frequently pressured Hildegard to divorce and step aside. Eventually, even she had grown troubled enough to take extended stays at hot springs and change her diet.

My dear husband could it be?

By taking Helen as his concubine, had Clifford found a way to silence that meddlesome relative without divorcing Hildegard?

And secondly, he must have genuinely cared for the simple, honest Helen. That was just like Clifford. If someone needed looking after, he’d take it upon himself.

If only he had confided in her about his health and about Helen, they could have shared their burdens together.

But that life was long over, and knowing now changed nothing.

And she couldn’t blame Clifford because Hildegard herself had never been able to dislike the rootless, responsibility-free Helen from beginning to end.

Helen was truly that kind of woman.

“After Lord Allen refused, you turned to the domestic agency?”

“Yes. Lord Allen said he already had heirs and didn’t need more. Since I’d received an education, he suggested becoming a maid or governess.”

“Of course. You didn’t need to be anyone’s concubine. A woman like you could have married well and been a beloved wife somewhere.”

“Eh?”

Oh no. She’d accidentally mixed up her past memories.

“Grandfather wasn’t actually serious about finding me a second husband.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think he only asked because it was the Longfall marquis’ son. He probably thought they wouldn’t treat me poorly.”

Hildegard thought she understood that sentiment.

“Your grandfather probably wanted to ask the eldest son, Lord Clifford. He would have agreed. But he’s in the empire now.”

Clifford had chosen to go to the empire. Thus, in this life, his path never crossed with Helen’s.

Even when given a second chance, life doesn’t always follow the same roads.

In the end, Helen ended up living with Lauren. As her maid, Helen devoted herself wholeheartedly to Lauren’s care.

Free of any dark past, Helen evoked warm feelings in Lauren, and eventually the two grew close.

Knowing Lauren’s lifespan would be short, Helen poured deep affection into their relationship. Lauren too cherished her dearly.

Helen was surely the kind of woman who could love deeply in any era.

By the time their love had deepened enough that Helen vowed to stay by Lauren’s side through her short life, Clifford returned from the empire.

After introducing a treatment for Lauren, he became their family physician. It was then that he told Hildegard Lauren could never have children.

“Lauren probably knows that better than anyone. But if they still wish to be together, I’ll support them however I can.”

To this, Clifford replied:

“I think I understand how Lauren feels, Hildegard. I… I can likely never father children either.”

For the first time, he confessed the changes that had occurred in his own body.

Her clever, evasive husband from their past life—the one who could talk his way out of anything had kept his true intentions hidden until the end.

But now, Hildegard felt she had finally understood enough.