I've Tried Going Back to Life After Dying - Chapter 38

Atrey was a man without desires.

Except for the quail-egg-sized engagement ring he’d slipped onto the finger of the woman who would become his countess, he wanted for nothing his entire life, a truly desireless man.

Hildegard would come to understand the weight of her husband’s love a little later.

“Well, if it isn’t Quail Lady.”

Spotting familiar pale golden hair down the hallway, Hildegard stopped in her tracks.

“How unusual. Where’s your guard dog?”

“Atrey is not a dog.”

“Says the girl who immediately pictured her fiancé when I said ‘guard dog.'”

Clifford, who had once been her sweet-talking fiancé in a past life, turned out to be an unexpectedly troublesome man now that they were strangers.

Yet Hildegard had loved her husband from that previous life unconditionally. She’d loved him so fiercely she’d have gladly died for him, which was perhaps why she could now observe him from this detached perspective.

“Lord Clifford, how do you do?”

“After all that, now you greet me properly?”

In this life, Clifford had become quite the sarcastic one.

He’d probably been like this before too, but as his wife, she’d been spared the worst of it.

Clifford had been an honest husband who didn’t even bother hiding his mistresses. Though having their existence rubbed in her face had been painful in its own way.

A year had already passed since Hildegard’s return to this life through death.

She’d made her debut with Atrey as her partner. Before that, they’d formally become engaged, and he’d given her that ring larger than a quail’s egg.

Between her exaggerated reactions during lessons, her habit of muttering to herself, and generally being different from the other young ladies, no one found it strange when she suddenly appeared wearing the quail ring.

The only real change was her nickname shifting from “Nodding Lady” to “Quail Lady.”

“That’s quite the sizable citrine you’ve got there.”

“Yes. It came from my fiancé’s personal assets.”

“He spent his entire fortune on you.”

“Well, I suppose that’s one way to put it.”

Knowing Clifford would only find it more amusing if she denied it, Hildegard had taken to agreeing with everything he said.

“How suspicious.”

“?”

“Not quite the woman you imagined, am I?”

“What are you talking about?”

Hildegard tilted her head in feigned ignorance.

Clifford watched her with growing amusement.

“The you I know was cuter, more earnest, understood jokes better, and was a bit more prone to blushing.”

“And who exactly are you comparing me to? Save your nonsense for when you’re asleep.”

“See? That’s exactly what I mean.”

Surprisingly, she’d developed a different kind of relationship with Clifford in this life where they remained strangers.

“So, where’s that guard dog of yours?”

“Must you keep calling him that? He’s gone to the estate. He’ll be back tomorrow.”

Atrey had left yesterday with his father to attend to estate matters. He was learning external affairs work on Hildegard’s behalf.

“More importantly, Lord Clifford.”

“Yes? You sound serious.”

“Why did you transfer to the general studies track?”

Come spring, Hildegard and Atrey had switched from general studies to estate management, while Clifford had done the opposite; moving from estate management to general studies.

“Hmm? Because I wanted to get away from you two, obviously.”

“Please spare me the transparent lies.”

As the heir to a marquisate, the estate management track was where Clifford would meet his future peers, the heirs of other noble houses.

“Don’t need it anymore.”

“Pardon?”

“Thinking of going to university.”

Clifford dropped this heavy revelation as casually as if they were discussing the weather in the middle of a hallway.

“Wait, wait, wait—”

Hildegard grabbed Clifford’s arm and pulled him into an alcove.

“You can’t say such things so carelessly! What about all the children of your vassal houses here?”

“Ah, that’s taken care of. They’ve been informed privately.”

“Privately?”

Clifford studied Hildegard intently then, with a gaze that seemed to anticipate imminent farewell.

The look reminded her suddenly of her husband from that past life—clutching his chest, knees buckling, moments before collapsing.

“Lord Clifford. Are you really leaving?”

“You always do this. Somehow always manage to stir me up. Really are a troublesome one.”

Clifford’s blue eyes searched Hildegard’s face as if looking for someone, his pupils trembling slightly.

“I’m going to the Empire. Vincent’s there, you see.”

“You’d abandon your marquisate?”

“My brother can handle it.”

Clifford’s younger brother was the same age as Lauren and would enter the academy next year.

“Besides, I’ve still got two years here in the kingdom.”

Clifford’s words proved true.

Somehow, he convinced his family to let his two-years-younger brother inherit instead. After graduating, he enrolled at an imperial university.

He pursued medicine.

Why this heir raised to rule would completely reverse his life’s course remained a mystery to Hildegard.

When he eventually returned, what surprised her most was how perfectly his medical expertise matched Lauren’s condition.

Clifford became Lauren’s physician.

It was as if he’d returned specifically to save the sickly Lauren. Having believed lifespan was predetermined, Hildegard learned otherwise from Clifford.

And so, in this life, Clifford too had chosen his own path.

Much later, Hildegard would come to understand.

This return through death hadn’t been solely for her sake. It had been for Clifford too.

“Hildegard. I don’t think I can father children.”

That day, after examining Lauren, Clifford unexpectedly confessed this to Hildegard.

“If I took a wife now, I’d only make her suffer.”

“You’ve confirmed this?”

“No. Just… a strong feeling.”

“But that’s—”

Hildegard couldn’t bring herself to outright deny it. In their past life, she’d been the infertile one. Some relatives had even suggested divorce.

Everyone assumed Clifford took Helen as his mistress not just out of affection, but hoping she might bear his heir.

Yet in the end, Helen never conceived either.

“Lord Clifford, did you study medicine to confirm this?”

“Not just that. Right after entering the academy, I came down with fever. Had to take leave. My brother was at our parents’ estate, so he avoided it.”

Clifford said he’d reported this to his parents.

“The physicians and servants didn’t think much of it. Neither did my parents. But it’s my body. I could tell something had changed.”

Perhaps Clifford sensed lingering effects from that illness.

“Yet I couldn’t abandon hope. Even when doctors said I was overthinking it, I wanted to believe the future could be different.”

“Naturally.”

A simple fever shouldn’t be so consequential. Not every high temperature causes permanent damage.

“Then you got engaged to Atrey, and something clicked.”

“Me? What does this have to do with me?”

“Dunno. Seeing you taken by someone else made everything else seem unimportant. Figured I might as well put this brain to better use.”

To casually consider relinquishing succession and switching to medicine that wasn’t a decision made lightly.

“Vincent had told me about the imperial university. I started wanting to try living differently.”

“Differently?”

Her heartbeat grew strangely unsteady.

Something told her she shouldn’t hear what came next.

“A life apart from you, perhaps.”

“Lord Clifford…”

Did Clifford too remember their past? The thought came unbidden.

“You always felt… familiar, Hildegard. Like I’d called your name countless times before.”

Clifford seemed to have no concrete memories. Yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that he too carried something deep in his soul from that other life.