I've Tried Going Back to Life After Dying - Chapter 36

“What a shame. I thought you might bend a little for me.”

Clifford, who had laughed too heartily, seemed to have tears welling up in his eyes. He wiped the corners with his fingertips.

“Eloise, could you brew some fresh tea?”

After asking Eloise, Clifford turned his smiling gaze toward me.

Why that expression?

Though Clifford was smiling, there was something undeniably sorrowful in his face.

“What a pity, Hildegard.”

“You don’t look the least bit disappointed.”

“I’m just putting on a brave face. I’m more competitive than I appear.”

“More than appear? You look nothing but competitive.”

Hildegard felt a pang of nostalgia.

Come to think of it, it had been so long since she’d last bickered with Clifford.

She couldn’t bear him a child.

But he gave her Austin.

That alone, she thought, had stripped her of any right to complain.

A marquis having one concubine was hardly something to raise eyebrows over.

Her husband had continued to respect her, brushing aside suggestions from his vassals that he ought to divorce her instead.

Nothing in Hildegard’s daily life had changed, and she had no reason to harbor resentment or dissatisfaction.

So, though her thoughts spilled freely from her lips, the things that truly weighed on her heart remained locked away in a secret box deep inside, never to be spoken to anyone.

Still, he had been the one man she had loved with all her heart.

But that, too, was now a thing of the past.

Hildegard had made up her mind. The past was the past, and the present was the present. In this life, she would live with Atrey. She would cherish and love Atrey, and live for the sake of her parents and Lauren.

Above all, this was a choice she had made for herself—her own life’s path.

The change in tea leaves was evident from the fragrance wafting through the air.

“Vincent brought this from the Empire. The flavor varies greatly depending on the region. It’s a bit astringent, but delicious. You can add more milk if you’d like.”

Hildegard obliged, pouring in extra milk. Now that she thought of it, the marquis’ household had often received tea leaves from the Empire. She realized now that those must have been from Vincent.

“Lord Clifford.”

“Oh? You won’t call me by name anymore?”

“No.”

“What a shame.”

Clifford kept interjecting with playful remarks, making it impossible to get anywhere.

Hildegard decided to take a gamble. It didn’t matter if he didn’t believe her.

One of the reasons she had been given this second chance; now was the time to fulfill that purpose.

“My lord, I’m certain you’ll meet a wonderful lady someday. You won’t have to play the villain. You’ll find someone you can truly love.”

“Oh? Are you a fortune-teller or something?”

“Something like that.”

“Hildegard, are you a fortune-teller?”

Atrey chose that bizarre moment to interject. She decided to ignore him for now.

“You said I felt familiar to you, didn’t you? Well, I feel the same. So let me tell you this, I’m not the one for you. If you wait just a little longer, you’ll be relieved we never tied the knot.”

“What do you know about me?”

For the first time, Clifford’s voice dropped low. This was the sound of his genuine displeasure. He was revealing his true feelings now.

“What do you know about people’s hearts? I don’t want you deciding my happiness or misfortune.”

Those were the same words Atrey had once said to her. To hear something so similar twice in one lifetime made her feel like she must be lacking intact.

“Clifford, don’t insult Hildegard.”

Atrey stepped in to defend her. Though, you said the same thing not too long ago, didn’t you?

Hildegard swallowed the retort bubbling in her chest.

“I made a bet.”

The words came out abruptly.

“Lord Clifford?”

Clifford was staring straight at Hildegard. Though he wore a smile, his expression still looked on the verge of tears.

“I’m willing to pass the succession to my brother.”

“Lord Clifford.”

It was Eloise who spoke up, trying to stop her master from making reckless declarations. Had Arthur been here, he would have done the same.

But in this half-vacated room, the only servant present was Eloise.

“If I could have had you, I thought I could keep living as the head of the family. I don’t know why. I just felt that way. Strange, isn’t it?”

As he spoke, Clifford looked up at the ceiling. The vulnerable expression suited a sixteen-year-old boy.

“It’s the same as you sounding like a fortune-teller. When I started looking for a fiancée, I was inexplicably drawn to your name, someone I’d never even met.”

Still gazing upward, Clifford continued.

“Things like that happen, don’t they? A gut feeling, a good omen, a bad omen. Something you can’t see but feel deep in your chest, your heart whispering to you.”

“My heart whispering?”

“That I couldn’t let you go.”

Let go? You were the one who let go.

In this life, Hildegard and Clifford had no prior connection. It was Clifford who had forcibly tied that knot.

“Ah, what a shame. Your prophecy or premonition, whatever it is doesn’t matter. But one thing I can say is, I don’t think I’ll ever meet this lady you speak of.”

“You’re so stubborn.”

“Thank you for the compliment.”

“That wasn’t a compliment. If anything, I’m exasperated. You’re an impossible hardhead.”

Clifford sipped his tea, savoring the flavor as he narrowed his eyes.

“I’ve had a life where I could get anything I wanted.”

“Huh? There’s still plenty of time—”

“Not really. After all, I couldn’t have you.”

“There are countless others—”

“You think so?”

Clifford cut her off, his eyes looking truly sorrowful.

Hildegard’s breath caught at that expression, her chest aching. But she reminded herself never make the same mistake again.

This wasn’t just for Clifford. Not just for Helen.

She was living this life over for herself.

She didn’t know what divine intervention had brought this about.

Perhaps this was all just a long dream, and soon she’d wake up in her bed the morning after Clifford’s funeral.

If that were the case, then all the more reason to walk a path in this dream with no regrets. She steeled herself.

“Lord Clifford, thank you for the delicious tea. And for bringing Austin such a rare tutor—I will never forget your kindness. If you ever find yourself in true need, my husband Atrey and I will do whatever we can to help.”

As Hildegard stood, Atrey quietly rose as well.

“Farewell, Lord Clifford.”

Goodbye, my lord.

Hildegard was sure she smiled beautifully. She wanted their parting to be clean and unburdened.