Inertial Dependence - Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Preventing the Longing

The plum rain season had arrived.

Summer break during university had also come.

After finishing her last exam, An Chixu let go of a month’s worth of continuous tension. She had used the review materials Yan Ciwei gave her and was staying in Yan Ciwei’s apartment near the school. They were in the same major, the same class. Day and night, they were inseparable. An Chixu no longer needed anyone else.

“Weiwei, when are we leaving?” An Chixu pressed against Yan Ciwei’s back, her hands quietly reaching out to circle Yan Ciwei’s waist. The summer heat triggered sweat; where they touched through the thin fabric, it felt sticky and clinging.

Yan Ciwei had said she would take her on a trip after exams. An Chixu, who had never left her hometown since childhood, had gone to a university city alone for the first time, and now she was going to travel with the person she loved.

“I booked the hotel for the 5th, so we can just head out on the morning of the 4th.” Yan Ciwei reached up to hook her fingers with An Chixu’s, kissing her neatly trimmed nails, eliciting a flurry of trembling giggles.

“Are we really going to drive ourselves?” An Chixu had gotten her license under Yan Ciwei’s supervision, but since she wasn’t proficient, she could only take over when Yan Ciwei was exhausted.

“Road trips are fun; the experience on the road is different,” Yan Ciwei said decisively.

“Okay. You have the final say.” An Chixu was always obedient. Led by her lover to face her, she didn’t resist. As expected, she was pulled into Yan Ciwei’s embrace. An Chixu tightened her arms around her lover’s neck, breathing in the scent of geranium by her ear. The sense of security made her sink, as if she were being dazed by Yan Ciwei.

“I’m afraid you’ll be too tired.” After a while, An Chixu sank down, and Yan Ciwei carried her to the nearby sofa.

“How could I be? You’re here.” Yan Ciwei kissed the corners of An Chixu’s eyes, nudging her until they both tumbled onto the floor together. They had shared an entire autumn and winter, and now they had walked through spring and summer.

An Chixu gave herself completely to Yan Ciwei. Her body, her heart, even her student ID, her account passwords, and her ID card… Every night while serving Yan Ciwei and giving her pleasure, An Chixu would feel satisfied. It was as if this was where her value lay. As long as she loved Yan Ciwei, she had the whole world.

Yan Ciwei would take care of her, handle everything for her, and even yield to her, letting her do “those things” in the ways she liked. Sometimes she would tease. Yan Ciwei was like her mother—a mother who truly loved her and cared for her, unlike the two back at home…

And An Chixu was the spoiled child, nearly losing her hands and legs, needing Yan Ciwei to lead her even when walking. An Chixu brushed aside Yan Ciwei’s hair. Stuck to the ends was the geranium fragrant balm she had smeared there during their morning play. Like a bird pecking grain, she kissed her ears, neck, and collarbone, gently unfastening her buttons.

“Here?” On this matter alone, Yan Ciwei gave An Chixu the ultimate authority. An Chixu could release herself on Yan Ciwei to her heart’s content. Yan Ciwei loved her; no matter how excessive the request, she would never refuse.

“Is it not allowed? Sister.” An Chixu had only truly mastered this one thing. She had learned a lot; every time she clumsily called out “Sister” and tried to entice her, she always received a response.

Yan Ciwei’s throat moved slightly as she glanced out the window. During the plum rain season, it was misty and rainy outside. The continuous rain wove the floor-to-ceiling windows into a white fog, rain stains blurring the view. The light was low. The two hadn’t turned on the lights; at noon, it was actually somewhat dim. They lay on the living room carpet—not very clean, not very private.

An Chixu’s hands kneaded Yan Ciwei restlessly, bringing a tingling sensation. Yan Ciwei withdrew her gaze, relaxed her breathing, and softened her skin. If her Tuantuan wanted it, she would give it to her. Yan Ciwei closed her eyes, and An Chixu’s kiss fell, fervently melting the chill of the plum rain season.

The morning of the 4th.

Having arranged everything, Yan Ciwei carried a dazed An Chixu downstairs, and they got into the car together. They drove through prosperity, through crowds, and over bridges. They drove all the way toward the distant destination. There, too, were clear lakes and continuous rain.

At dusk on the 4th, they stopped the car in a vast emptiness; only the two of them remained between heaven and earth. Dusk welcomed a sudden downpour. The summer storm battered the tiny couple haphazardly. They huddled together, stubbornly refusing to return to the car.

Yan Ciwei wanted to photograph the sunset and her lover here. An Chixu accompanied her, forever following her lead. In the distance were the rolling mountain ranges, the dark clouds covering only half the sky. Their side was dark, while the opposite shore had a golden setting sun and lacquer-red clouds. An Chixu held up a raincoat cape, and together they huddled underneath it.

“Tuantuan.” Her lover’s voice came from her ear. The eighteen-year-old girl looked sideways, seeing the dusk in her lover’s eyes. Her eyelashes were like paintbrushes, opening and closing to sketch the twilight onto her pupils. So, An Chixu stood on her tiptoes. In the sudden downpour of a summer dusk, she cautiously kissed her lover’s lips.

The sudden rain grew heavy.

This subtle night welcomed a subtle rain. Raindrops pattered against the window like weeping tears. Yan Ciwei looked up at An Chixu’s indifference, and the tear An Chixu had brushed away began to reform at the corner of her eye.

An Chixu no longer had the passion, trust, or the rebellious “no-turning-back” attitude of an eighteen-year-old. At twenty-five, her eyes held only a chilly frost; love had long been melted by ice and snow. Brushing away Yan Ciwei’s tear was out of habit, and out of politeness.

An Chixu was about to withdraw her hand. Yan Ciwei buckled her seatbelt, the click making An Chixu’s movements lag by half a beat. Her withdrawing hand was caught by Yan Ciwei and pressed back against Yan Ciwei’s cheek. Her palm felt burned.

Yan Ciwei still held onto the passion An Chixu no longer wanted. She bloomed a smile, like a sunset. All of An Chixu’s memories were within her. Tears were mixed into the smile. The tears were larger than the downpour, falling row after row, surging without looking back.

—Don’t miss me.

Even when crying, Yan Ciwei did it with dignity and beauty. She didn’t show An Chixu an ugly, flushed face.

“Then, Tuantuan,” Yan Ciwei’s voice was too light, so ethereal that An Chixu thought she was hallucinating from the heat. “How are you going to stop a feeling of longing?” Yan Ciwei gripped An Chixu’s hand tight, making it impossible for her to retreat.

The scalding tears slid into An Chixu’s palm along with the smile, continuously deepening the temperature there. The salty heat stung An Chixu’s palm, making her brow twitch. Longing and a sudden downpour were exactly the same. They come when they want to come.

An Chixu could only do what she had done countless times in the past—stand miserably in the downpour, only this time without her lover’s company.

“Stop me, then,” Yan Ciwei said with a light sneer, her throat moving slightly, just like before. “I will miss you forever.”

An Chixu looked at the throat she had kissed countless times, at the slight protrusion she had bitten. They were in a lower position; Yan Ciwei’s upward gaze was like she was kneeling before her. An Chixu heard the familiar raindrops again, the intimate calling.

She suddenly pulled back her burning hand.

“Don’t force me to hate you.” An Chixu turned her face away. No matter how much time had passed, she was still overshadowed in front of Yan Ciwei, like a child throwing a tantrum.

“Then hate me. If that makes you feel better.” Yan Ciwei looked forward to An Chixu’s hate. Only because she loved An Chixu so deeply. Hate lasts longer than love; they must not become strangers who have nothing to do with each other.

As expected, An Chixu gave Yan Ciwei a cold look. She lowered the car window, and the scent of rain and mud rushed in, the downpour whistling into the car. An Chixu reached her hand out the window, throwing away the hand that had just been pressed against Yan Ciwei’s face. She cast it into the downpour. She wanted to use the dirty rainwater to cover Yan Ciwei’s tears.

Icy cold chilled the scalding heat. She stared at Yan Ciwei, decisively performing an act of hate.

Yan Ciwei sat back in the driver’s seat, wiping away the excess tear stains with a tragic smile. An Chixu’s cold eyes were indeed blades. Every movement carrying hate sliced through Yan Ciwei’s heart. Yet, she felt a bit excited, her blood pumping through her body along with her love.

Hate me, then.

Yan Ciwei started the car, waited for An Chixu to pull her hand back and close the window, and then drove out steadily. She would love her back.

They arrived at An Chixu’s neighborhood.

Yan Ciwei turned into the area below An Chixu’s unit with practiced ease. Looking at the rain that hadn’t stopped outside, she sighed softly. She took an umbrella from the car, opened her door, and walked to the passenger side. She tilted the red umbrella forward, her own back already drenched. Feeling it wasn’t enough, she stepped out of the shadow entirely, leaving all the space under the umbrella for An Chixu.

Yan Ciwei reached out to open the car door. The door opened on its own.

An Chixu held a waterproof briefcase, her cold eyes unchanged, her hate nearly dissipating into nothingness. Yan Ciwei gave her a smile, her brow lowered, forced and fragile. The smile became a bubble, shattering at the slightest touch. An Chixu’s eyes only lingered on Yan Ciwei for a moment.

Before Yan Ciwei could even experience the pleasure of the stinging pain, An Chixu had already bypassed her umbrella. Holding the briefcase over her head, she walked quickly into the building entrance. An Chixu’s figure vanished in an instant.

The red umbrella stayed by the black car, becoming the only light in the pitch-black rainy night. Faint, drooping. Yan Ciwei held the umbrella in place, not even breathing. Her eyes were unblinking, letting raindrops slide into her sockets and fall back out, role-playing tears.

After a long while, the red umbrella fell to the ground, the heavy rain pattering a melody against it. Yan Ciwei was soaked from head to toe, and finally, she blinked. Her eyes were dry. She had no tears to mourn for herself.

Yan Ciwei didn’t look back; she slowly picked up the ruined red umbrella, methodically rolled it up, and returned to the car covered in the downpour. A lavender scent remained in the passenger seat. It was the new laundry detergent An Chixu was using. Lingering, yet all-pervasive.

Yan Ciwei composed herself and slowly began to move. She opened all four car windows, turned on the flashers, and drove the car out of An Chixu’s territory. Faster, and faster still. Amidst the flying speed, the wild downpour drowned out the air inside the car, erasing the last of An Chixu’s fragrance. Yan Ciwei could no longer find any evidence that An Chixu had existed there.

The cat tree had arrived.

There was a scheduled event today. An Chixu hurriedly assembled it according to the manual, but she still got it wrong once. Since that night of the downpour when she ran back home, she had lost contact with Yan Ciwei. She hadn’t seen Yan Ciwei at work, and Yan Ciwei didn’t attend meetings.

An Chixu paid attention to this unintentionally but didn’t have many thoughts about it. She wasn’t curious about how Yan Ciwei was doing. Yan Ciwei wanted her to hate her. she did it, but found no pleasure in it. At the moment of retaliating against Yan Ciwei, she would still subconsciously worry if Yan Ciwei got sick after being in the rain. Yan Ciwei’s health wasn’t that good; getting drenched in a rainstorm and not rinsing off immediately would definitely lead to a fever.

An Chixu cared for only a moment before the feeling faded. Love or hate, she was tired of it all. It was better for them to be strangers.

“Little Orange, have you adapted to my home?” While reassembling the cat tree, An Chixu watched the familiar kitten scratch and bite at the finished parts. Thinking about it, she didn’t need to ask; Orange had already adapted. For the past few days, Orange’s eating, drinking, and bathroom habits were all normal. At night, she would even take a lap around An Chixu’s room.

An Chixu had crammed a lot of cat-rearing knowledge and didn’t ask “Pei Yuxi” any more stupid questions. Although she hadn’t unlocked the cat sleeping with her yet, An Chixu was very satisfied.

“I have to go to work now.” An Chixu installed the last screw of the cat tree, took a photo to send to “Pei Yuxi,” and carried the eager Orange to the top level. Orange stepped on the plush platform twice, curled her fluffy squirrel tail, and began to make biscuits and purr at that height.

“You really are the cutest little cat. Wait for me at home.” An Chixu petted Orange’s head and scratched her chin. After a moment of hesitation, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed the kitten’s forehead.

It had been a long time since her lips had felt another living creature. After leaving the house, An Chixu pressed her tingling lips and thought she probably wasn’t suited to kiss cats. She hadn’t realized before that kissing would make her lips feel so uncomfortable.

An Chixu arrived at the event site half an hour early. Since the two popular members, Pei Luochen and Zhou Yanxi, weren’t there, there weren’t many people yet. Backstage, there was only Shen Jibai and another member with low popularity. An Chixu looked at the number of people at the scene and sighed. If Pei Luochen were participating, this place would already be overcrowded, and she would have needed to enter through the staff passage.

Work harder this month. An Chixu slipped backstage.

Shen Jibai saw An Chixu at first glance among the crowd, her face lighting up with a smile, a peachy flush creeping onto her cheeks. She was just about to wave.

Suddenly, she noticed An Chixu freeze. An Chixu’s eyes swept to one side.

After two days, Yan Ciwei had actually come to attend such a small event. She had a fever-reducing patch on her forehead, and an IV catheter was still on her hand. An Chixu only paused for a second before Yan Ciwei caught that familiar gaze and turned in her direction.

Their eyes met; Yan Ciwei’s eyes held only clear joy.

The sky had darkened. The mall lacked natural light and was somewhat dim. It was about to rain.

An Chixu couldn’t stop this longing.

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