I Still Miss Her [Rebirth] - Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Fang Rulian’s Repentance

After their long separation, Fang Rulian held Fang Hong for a long time. It wasn’t until she looked up and saw Fang Hong’s expression becoming increasingly stern and heavy that she noticed the gazes coming from around the hospital ward.

Straightening her back and shrinking away slightly, Fang Rulian was about to speak when she heard Fang Hong’s voice, which sounded a bit thick: “Is someone bullying you?”

A rough palm brushed over the top of Fang Rulian’s head. Fang Rulian was completely unaccustomed to her mother being so tender; she dodged awkwardly to the side and forced a giggling smile: “No, of course not.”

Actually, there were.

Many people bullied me.

During the time she was most reviled, everything Fang Rulian did was wrong. She was called “Green Tea,” a “bitch,” and “mean-faced.” Marketing accounts analyzed her every move, creating malicious screenshots and splicing together rumors. Even a passing dog would stop to bark an insult at her. It was common for people to Photoshop funeral photos of her, pictures with broken legs, or send literal curses.

Fang Rulian was used to being arrogant and initially ignored the comments. That was until she attended an event where a passerby pointed at her nose and cursed her, or when she was followed and threatened in a supermarket… and finally, that one sentence that pierced her heart:

“Fang Rulian, it was you who ruined her.”

That was the first time Fang Rulian lost control of her emotions like that. With gritted teeth and bloodshot eyes, she recklessly slapped that person, tore at their hair, and kicked and punched them like a madwoman.

Unsurprisingly, she was detained for the assault and hit the trending searches again. She later made a public apology, but her already crumbling career was utterly destroyed.

She liked going out less and less, becoming more afraid of seeing people. That heart-piercing sentence and the malicious words she once ignored gradually became like a needle in her heart—buried deeper and deeper, hurting more and more.

It got to the point where, for a period of time, she didn’t even dare to see Fang Zhiyi.

Even so, out of selfishness, she kept that matter a secret from Fang Zhiyi.

The smell of disinfectant wafted into her nose.

“Then why did you suddenly hug me so tight?” Fang Hong looked at her with furrowed brows, her expression full of suspicion.

“I can hug my mom whenever I want, do I need a reason?” She suppressed her emotions and hurriedly changed the subject. “Mom, I’m fine now. Let’s get discharged.”

Falling from a second-story balcony into a flower bed had only resulted in a minor sprain and some superficial scratches. Now that she had been treated with ointment, the doctor suggested she could go home directly.

People came and went in the hospital; the smell of disinfectant was unpleasant.

Fang Hong supported her as they got off the elevator and walked toward the hospital entrance.

“You were lucky this time. If there’s a next time, see if I don’t beat you.”

Warm sunlight fell on her. Fang Rulian pursed her lips: “My foot slipped, it wasn’t on purpose.” Listening to her mother’s nagging, her heart seemed to be filled with that same warm sunlight.

The noisy sound of cars and people drowned out the street.

A white Volkswagen pulled up in front of them.

Fang Rulian, immersed in the joy of being reborn, looked up belatedly.

It was late April, and the temperature wasn’t high. The roses on the green belt were in full bloom, their fragrance filling the air, soft white petals catching the gentle sunlight.

But the sunlight felt piercing in Fang Rulian’s eyes at this moment, like a dazzling white glare. She instinctively lowered her head. She hadn’t even clearly seen the driver’s clothes or appearance, but hearing that gentle voice speaking to her, her thoughts fell into chaos.

“Oh my, why did you come out directly? Shouldn’t you be using a crutch?”

A sharp buzzing rang in her brain, and Fang Rulian’s vision swayed along with it.

“She’s not that delicate, she’s lucky—just a sprain. She’ll have to rest at home for a few days, otherwise I wouldn’t have dared bring her back today. Hey… watch out, there’s a kid ahead.” Noticing her daughter’s grip on her hand becoming tense, Fang Hong squeezed Rulian’s palm and continued talking to Mu Yunshu in the front. “Where’s Xiaoyi? How far out is she?”

Mu Yunshu glanced at the girl in the back seat through the rearview mirror. “Still on the city bus… Lian-lian, what’s with your face?”

“Oh!” Being suddenly called by name, Fang Rulian snapped back to reality. It took her a second to process the question before she touched her slightly sweaty, cool face. “Maybe the leaves in the flower bed scratched it.”

“You mean the colors on her face? I washed it off with water at the hospital. You have no idea—she’d put on makeup like she was painting a wall, with two big red spots on her cheeks like she was in an opera.”

Fang Rulian lowered her head, puffing out her cheeks in silence.

Fang Hong gave her a rare, curious look.

Mu Yunshu also gave her a curious look through the rearview mirror.

Feeling the two gazes, Fang Rulian felt like she was sitting on pins and needles. She made up an excuse: “I was practicing special effects makeup at home, it was supposed to look like that… admittedly, it’s not for daily wear.”

“I’m fine now, Auntie Mu, don’t worry.”

The car had likely been sitting in the sun for most of the day, and it smelled of unpleasant leather. Fang Rulian reached out to roll down the window, leaning somewhat uncomfortably against Fang Hong’s shoulder. Before closing her eyes to rest, she stole a quick glance at her phone.

April 22, 2017. Saturday. 18:03.

Calculating the time in her head with difficulty, Fang Rulian remembered: right now, Fang Zhiyi was only eighteen. She was in her senior year of high school, and the College Entrance Exam (Gaokao) was only a month away.

Fang Zhiyi had excellent grades and attended a key high school in the city. At this time, the “two-day weekend” policy for high schools hadn’t been implemented yet. Teachers and students everywhere were grinding; holidays were cut in half, and they had classes on Saturdays until 5:30 PM. Students then had to return to school Sunday evening for night self-study.

Because the break was short and Heqi County was a distance from the city, commuting was a hassle. Fang Zhiyi didn’t like coming back, and Mu Yunshu supported her staying at school for the sake of her studies.

Fang Rulian remembered this period clearly because she had few classes in her senior year of university. Combined with feeling lost about her future after graduation, she had spent a lot of time moping at home.

She had been cooped up so long she felt like she was sprouting bubbles. Every time Fang Zhiyi came home, she couldn’t help but tease her.

During that month and a half before the Gaokao, Fang Zhiyi had actually only come home twice. Fang Rulian refused to admit that Zhiyi found her annoying, choosing instead to optimistically believe it was just the self-discipline of a top student.

Fang Zhiyi had always been cold. According to Fang Hong’s memories, her “iceberg” personality was already evident at two and a half years old. When six-year-old Fang Rulian made faces to amuse her, making the adults double over with laughter, little “dumpling” Zhiyi would have no reaction. She would only wait until Rulian was tired of performing to give a small nod, as if to say, “Message received.”

Unlike typical younger sisters who chase after their older sisters, Fang Rulian was the one who loved to tease Fang Zhiyi, seeking joy from her as if there were endless fun to be found.

Until that “fun” veered off course, surging down a path of no return, shattering the people around her and leaving her own body covered in wounds from the backlash.

Coveting the younger sister she grew up with was never honorable, let alone the actual reason they got together—which was essentially Fang Rulian using coercion and inducement.

Fang Rulian was a bad sister with no sense of morality, which was how she managed to “steal” those few years. Fang Zhiyi was a traditional “good kid,” which was why she allowed herself to be trapped for so long, resulting in a miserable end for both.

Having died once against that “southern wall,” Fang Rulian peeked her eyes open. Her gaze landed on the rearview mirror, catching Mu Yunshu’s focused expression while driving. She quickly looked away.

She feigned a relaxed posture, but in reality, she didn’t even dare let her peripheral vision linger on Mu Yunshu’s face.

Compared to missing Mu Yunshu, Fang Rulian’s most intense emotion right now was guilt.

Such a gentle Auntie Mu, such an Auntie Mu who treated her so well… Fang Rulian didn’t know what her younger self had been thinking, how she could so recklessly and blatantly set her sights on Fang Zhiyi.

She should kneel down and beg for forgiveness.

But actually, begging for forgiveness was nowhere near enough.

A breeze carrying the scent of grass and flowers blew into the car as the twilight deepened outside. Fang Rulian lowered her head with a guilty conscience. That meager sense of morality—eight years late—finally occupied the high ground.

Ten minutes later, the car finally reached home. Fang Rulian let out a long breath and, supported by Fang Hong and Mu Yunshu, climbed the narrow stairs to the second floor.

Mu Yunshu and Fang Hong entered the kitchen one after the other.

Fang Rulian sat on the faded sofa fabric, her peripheral vision looking past the living room’s glass door to the balcony. It was a mess—the succulents and pothos she had kicked over were still scattered, soil and ceramic shards covering the floor.

She let out a heavy sigh.

Living life over again, Fang Rulian had repented.

She was determined to turn over a new leaf, to seriously be a good sister, to make up for the mistakes of her past life, and to avoid the suffering caused by her arrogance and recklessness.

This was the chance heaven had given her to atone.

Fang Rulian silently withdrew her gaze, yet she remained in a daze. She didn’t notice Mu Yunshu calling her name several times, nor the approaching footsteps, until she felt a light weight on her shoulder.

Mu Yunshu’s gentle face entered her vision. Fang Rulian seemed startled, shrinking back and stammering: “Aunt—Auntie Mu, what is it?”

Mu Yunshu laughed softly. “Xiaoyi heard you were hurt and was very worried. She’s asking how you are. Tell her yourself.”

A phone was held out. Fang Rulian instinctively took it. As her gaze locked onto the name “Fang Zhiyi” on the call interface, the lightweight phone instantly became a hot potato.

“Sister.”

A very short syllable came through the phone. It was a business-like tone, devoid of obvious emotion.

It was the familiar, Fang Zhiyi-style cadence.

The childishness in her teenage voice hadn’t fully faded yet; it didn’t sound as perpetually cold and distant as it would in her adult years.

Fang Rulian felt as if the “hot potato” had choked her. Her breathing quickened. she opened her mouth to breathe, a feeling similar to “homesickness upon nearing home” surging from her throat, making it feel tight and raw.

It was noisy on the other end of the line. A mechanical female voice announced: “Next stop: Wan’an Station. Passengers disembarking, please prepare in advance.”

Her eyes felt hot.

Fang Rulian blinked with difficulty. In her peripheral vision, Mu Yunshu had already walked back into the kitchen. On the phone, Fang Zhiyi didn’t speak, nor did she press her for an answer. There was only the dense, background noise of the bus.

Fang Rulian took a deep breath, attempting to speak again.

I’m fine, I’m great, just a sprained ankle, don’t worry.

Call me when you’re almost at the South Station, I’ll come pick you up. Do you have a lot of luggage? I’ll see if I should ride the bike or drive…

“Fang…” Even though she had rehearsed the lines in her head several times, the actual performance failed at the very first word.

Her heart suddenly felt like it had been struck by a drumstick. She shut her mouth, thinking self-destructively:

Fang Zhiyi, I miss you so much.

I wasn’t thinking about it just now, but hearing your voice makes me want to see you so, so much. I want to see you right now. I want to hold you right now.

The wind blew in from the balcony, a bit chilly.

Fang Rulian closed her eyes. The phone in her hand felt like a giant stone, dragging her and her heart down into an abyss with no bottom and no echo.

It seemed like a long, long time had passed… long enough that she suspected Fang Zhiyi might have hung up. She finally opened her eyes, gasping as if she had just escaped death.

In reality, not much time had passed—hardly ten seconds.

The call was still active.

“Sister,” the person on the other end finally seemed unable to help herself, her teenage voice crisp and clear. “Are you listening?”

“I…” Fang Rulian immediately decided to “counter-accuse” to hide her fluster. “I am listening. It’s your fault for staying quiet.”

As she spoke, she wondered: what does Fang Zhiyi look like right now?

Tracing the image of Fang Zhiyi from her distant memories—the blue and white school uniform making her look a bit thin. Clearly at the green age of a high schooler, yet she insisted on keeping a stiff face to act mature. But with Fang Zhiyi’s natural aura of coolness, it didn’t feel out of place at all.

Realizing her current thoughts were running counter to her goal of “turning over a new leaf,” Fang Rulian gave a forced, light laugh and hurriedly redirected her attention:

“Oh, right, you were asking about me? Yeah, I’m fine. I just accidentally tripped at home and twisted my ankle. I can still run and jump…”

Before she could finish, Fang Zhiyi’s voice rose from the phone, mingling with the background noise.

“Fang Rulian.”

Simple words, a cool tone, seeping into Fang Rulian’s heart along her nerves.