I Am Her Secret Beauty - Chapter 32

Mu Xi watched as Nan Xi’s curious eyes gradually cooled, as if something had been exposed, returning once more to silence.

She leaned back, resting her weight against the seat behind her, and exhaled a long breath:

“I see.”

She didn’t look at Mu Xi, but Mu Xi felt certain that whatever was on her mind now must be related to her.

After those words, Nan Lian didn’t speak another sentence for the rest of the evening. She silently parked the car, got out, and entered the house under Nan Zhiya’s gaze before heading upstairs to her room and closing the door.

Anyone could tell Nan Lian wasn’t in the right state of mind. Just as Nan Zhiya was about to ask, he caught sight of Mu Xi’s bandaged left hand: “What happened to the housekeeper’s hand?”

“I was hit by a falling steel bar at the construction site this afternoon. Fortunately, it was my left hand, so it won’t affect my daily work too much.”

Mu Xi calmly recited the excuse she had prepared.

Nan Zhiya frowned and turned to call for a maid to tend to Mu Xi’s wound.

Nan Xi sat down on the sofa, watching as Mu Xi followed the maid named Xiao Ji to have her wound dressed.

“What’s wrong with your sister?”

“Who knows,” Nan Xi murmured. “Life is full of disappointments, it’d be exhausting to dwell on every single one.”

…

Xiao Ji helped Mu Xi treat her wound. After cleaning away the dried, bloody mess on the surface, she quickly realized it was a knife wound, not at all the kind of injury caused by being struck by something.

The kind-hearted Xiao Ji agreed to keep Mu Xi’s secret, in exchange for a meal from her later.

Mu Xi agreed.

Truthfully, she had gripped the knife with such force that the blade had left a deep gash in her palm. Even now, after being medicated and properly bandaged, it still throbbed with pain.

Perhaps because of the aching wound, Mu Xi lay in bed in the housekeeper’s quarters after completing her evening rounds, unable to fall asleep.

Bai Ran’s resolute expression, her tear-streaked makeup, and the near-desperate look in her eyes as she turned the knife on herself kept replaying in Mu Xi’s mind.

What kind of despair drives a person to think of death? Mu Xi wanted to understand.

She tried to put herself in Bai Ran’s shoes but found it still difficult to grasp. In Mu Xi’s eyes, though her daily work was exhausting and her emotional life had been utterly uneventful before Nan Xi returned, the days had simply flowed by like a mountain stream, she didn’t know where it began or where it would eventually lead.

Mu Xi was accustomed to an unchanging life. She hadn’t lied, she had long been prepared to serve as the Nan family’s housekeeper for the rest of her days, living a life with no surprises.

There would be upheavals, like today. Such sudden events left Mu Xi bewildered and exposed the fact that she seemed to think differently from others.

Mu Xi carefully positioned her left hand, resting her right arm beneath her head as she stared at the ceiling, lost in thought.

She had forgotten to draw the curtains. The lights from the garden outside, mingled with moonlight, streamed in, casting a glare.

After enduring it for a while, Mu Xi got out of bed and walked to the floor-to-ceiling window, intending to close the curtains.

But then she caught sight of a motionless figure sitting in a corner of the garden.

Mu Xi blinked, wondering if her eyes were playing tricks on her.

But no matter how hard she looked, it was unmistakably the silhouette of a seated person, one she recognized all too well.

Nan Xi?

At this hour, she should be asleep, not sitting alone in the deserted garden, letting the wind blow through her.

Mu Xi stared for a long moment before finally giving in and pulling open the window, climbing straight out into the garden.

Of course, she made sure not to use her injured left hand in the process.

She had finally done it, climbed out the window. She’d been wanting to try that for a while.

The autumn night carried a slight chill, and as soon as Mu Xi stepped outside, a damp coolness rushed over her.

Nan Xi was still wearing a thin nightgown. That wouldn’t do.

Mu Xi didn’t dare move forward. If she could see Nan Xi from the window, then others could see them sitting together and talking from their windows too.

So, she stayed close to her own window, lowering her voice to a whisper as she called out toward the corner:

“Young Miss…”

Nan Xi’s figure shifted slightly before she slowly turned to look in Mu Xi’s direction.

Spotting Mu Xi lurking beneath the window, she stood and walked over.

A minute later, Nan Xi and Mu Xi were both standing furtively outside the butler’s quarters.

“What were you doing out there, Little Miss?”

Nan Xi shivered. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came out to get some air and think.”

“About what?” Mu Xi pressed.

“Since you’re awake too, you must be thinking about the same thing,” Nan Xi said, lifting her gaze with a serious expression. “I doubt we’re the only two who can’t sleep tonight.”

Mu Xi gave an awkward chuckle. “Well… the young mistress probably can’t sleep either. And that woman.”

“I know how my sister operates. If she’s upset, she won’t come home, she’d usually be at her own place with some companion or another.” Nan Xi wrapped her arms around herself. “But tonight, she came back and hasn’t left since.”

Mu Xi had some idea of Nan Lian’s habits as well.

But matters outside the Nan family estate weren’t within Mu Xi’s purview, and Nan Lian naturally wouldn’t bring them up to her.

Though everyone had some idea.

Mu Xi hesitated. “So, you’re saying… the young mistress was also affected by this? And not just in a bad-mood kind of way?”

She quickly added, “Sorry, I’m not trying to pry into the young mistress’s private matters. If you think I’m overstepping-”

“It’s the middle of the night, why are you still acting like a butler?” Nan Xi gave her a strange look. “If I didn’t want to talk about this with you, I wouldn’t have come over.”

Technically, according to Mu Xi’s contract with Nan Zhiya, her duties as butler required her to be on call 24/7.

But Mu Xi had to admit Nan Xi had a point.

On a night like this, with her thoughts in turmoil, she didn’t want to be a butler anymore. She just wanted to lean against the windowsill and talk with Nan Xi, offering each other some comfort for their battered hearts.

Mu Xi gave a resigned nod, conceding.

Nan Xi continued:

“I think so. The thing my sister fears most is someone dying for her.”

“As for why… I shouldn’t share her private matters, but you can probably guess.”

Yes.

To put it simply, it had happened before, and now Nan Lian didn’t want history to repeat itself.

But what Mu Xi really wanted to discuss with Nan Xi was,

“What about that Ms. Bai Ran? Will she try to… end her life again in the future?”

Nan Xi remained silent.

It was unclear whether she was uncertain of the answer or simply unwilling to voice the one in her heart.

Compared to usual, Mu Xi tonight was unusually emotionally open.

Even though Nan Xi hadn’t answered her question, she had already said that she was no longer acting in the capacity of a butler.

Mu Xi, who hadn’t discussed such matters with a friend in a very, very long time, pressed on stubbornly:

“I want to know, what goes through a person’s mind before they choose to end their life?”

“Nan Xi, what were you thinking at that time?”

…

Nan Xi murmured softly, “I didn’t expect we’d both be empathizing with Bai Ran.”

After another stretch of icy silence, Nan Xi suddenly looked up at her, the corners of her lips downturned. “That’s what you really wanted to ask, wasn’t it? Not about people who want to end their lives in general, but about my state of mind back then?”

“Yes,” Mu Xi admitted quite frankly. It was rare for Nan Xi to see her so blunt, honest, and unguarded now.

Mu Xi met Nan Xi’s gaze. “You’re someone I can talk to directly. Rather than probing Bai Ran’s thoughts, it’s more appropriate to ask you.”

“Just because it’s… appropriate?”

“…You could also be considered my… friend.”

Nan Xi suddenly hugged herself and laughed, her whole body shaking with it. “I’m so happy to hear you define the word ‘friend’ like that.”

“…”

Mu Xi felt it was better to remain silent. This wasn’t the focus of their discussion right now.

Nan Xi wasn’t in a hurry to clarify anything at the moment. Since Mu Xi wanted to know, she would tell her.

What Nan Xi feared wasn’t Mu Xi’s trespasses, but Mu Xi’s indifference.

So, she was in a rather good mood now.

“At that time, I thought my lover was already dead. So, death was the passage that connected me to her,” Nan Xi said calmly. “That was my thinking back then, without her, my life was hopeless. Later, they told me that only by living would I have a chance to find her. I thought that made sense, so I abandoned that plan.”

Mu Xi was momentarily choked up, unsure of what to say.

A life that others saw as radiant and bright was described by Nan Xi with the word “hopeless.”

Was it because she loved that lover so much? So much that without her, everything would turn to ashes? It sounded like good fortune for that lover, but misfortune for Nan Xi…

She still couldn’t understand such a mindset, so she could only confirm: “That was your thinking back then, meaning you don’t feel that way now, right?”

“Right.”

Nan Xi smiled, a brilliantly bright smile that seemed somewhat out of place on this night.

Nan Xi said, “She’s already come back, so everything from before no longer holds.”

She said this while looking straight at Mu Xi.

That hopeful gaze almost shattered Mu Xi’s heart.

Do the Nan family really have such a habit of finding substitutes for the departed?

Mu Xi’s mind spun, and her physical reaction was to press her lips together in a conflicted expression.

Fortunately, tonight’s Mu Xi was more inclined to speak her mind, so she didn’t dwell on it for long. For the second time, she posed that question to Nan Xi:

“What will it take for you to believe that I’m not that person?”

Nan Xi’s smile remained unchanged.

“Can you just stop talking?” Nan Xi leaned in to kiss Mu Xi’s lips, murmuring in the brief moment when Mu Xi tried to dodge, “Every time you say such buzzkill things, I don’t want to hear them. I just want to kiss your lips raw, kiss them until they bleed, so they can’t say these things anymore.”

“But… the problem has always been there. You can’t just ignore it-”

Nan Xi suddenly pinched Mu Xi’s mouth shut, staring into her wounded, helpless eyes as she said:

“The problem isn’t that.”

“The problem is that you still can’t fully immerse yourself in happiness.”

Mu Xi guessed that this “full immersion” meant being like her, not questioning the truth of things, but simply indulging in the fleeting illusions before them.

Was that really okay?

With her mouth pinched shut, she couldn’t speak, and Nan Xi didn’t want to look at her pitiful eyes anymore.

She turned her gaze toward Mu Xi’s nearby butler’s quarters. “It’s so cold outside. Aren’t you going to invite me in?”