How could a Puppy-like Boy Ever Have Any Bad Intentions? - Chapter 3

“Class dismissed,” Su Lixu said, picking up his textbook to leave. He then seemed to remember something and glanced back at the room. “Monitor, come to my office for a moment.”

Zhao Ziyi, hearing his name, was about to stand up when a hand pressed down firmly on his shoulder. Confused, Zhao Ziyi looked up and saw it was Fu Xingran.

“I’ll go for you,” Fu Xingran said, leaving Zhao Ziyi behind as he strode quickly after Su Lixu.

Zhao Ziyi, the class monitor, looked bewildered. “?” What was this guy up to now?

“Old Zhao, remember that time in the dorm when we accidentally saw the man on Fu Xingran’s phone wallpaper? The one he said was his boyfriend?” Zhao Ziyi turned to his roommate, Zhuo Yi.

“I vaguely remember it was a very handsome man, but I forgot his specific face. Why?”

Zhuo Yi lowered his voice. “I think it’s Teacher Su.”

Mo Zhe, standing nearby, widened his eyes as if he had just discovered a massive secret. “No way, how is that possible? Teacher Su?! With Fu Xingran’s personality, could anyone actually like him?”

“Who knows.”

In the hallway.

“Teacher Su!”

Hearing the call from behind, Su Lixu stopped and turned around. The boy who had been appearing before him all week was wearing a pure white sweater today. The sunlight from outside the corridor fell upon him, warm and dazzling, matching the brilliant, radiant smile on his face.

For a split second, Su Lixu felt dazed again. The boy’s face overlapped with a blurry memory, yet they really didn’t look alike, at least, the smile didn’t.

He tried to shake off the doubt and met the boy’s smile. “Are you the monitor for Class One?”

“My name is Fu Xingran.”

Su Lixu froze.

The hallway was busy with students walking to and fro. Standing still in the middle of the path was quite conspicuous, and many people cast curious glances their way. However, Su Lixu had no mental capacity to notice them, because his mind went momentarily blank the moment he heard that name.

“Doctor Su, do you still remember me?”

He never expected that the boy who had been hovering around him was Fu Xingran. He had assumed the boy was just overly enthusiastic, never imagining he was trying to catch his attention. Now, it seemed there was even a hint of grievance in the boy’s demeanor.

It was because Su Lixu hadn’t recognized him.

It wasn’t that he had forgotten; it was that Fu Xingran had changed too much.

Fu Xingran was the first adolescent psychiatric patient Su Lixu had taken on after graduating and joining the mental hospital. When he took the case, the records already confirmed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), requiring hospitalization.

Back then, the boy’s temper was incredibly unstable. He was violent and irritable; any small thing could provoke him. At other times, he was very quiet, immersing himself entirely in his drawing. Su Lixu remembered that the boy was a talented artist.

However, his inner emotions were volatile. When he was unhappy, he wanted the whole world to be destroyed; when he was happy, the world was beautiful.

Initially, he was in a regular ward, but he was later transferred to the intensive care unit because he kept hiding objects to attempt suicide.

During the year and a half of treatment that followed, psychological counseling and medication showed results. Before Su Lixu left, the boy had improved significantly. His self-harm tendencies had decreased, his tantrums and refusal to eat had lessened, and he was willing to seek help when facing problems.

Still, Su Lixu was shocked. After so many years, meeting like this, the once thin and frail child had suddenly grown so tall and changed so much. There was no trace of the boy who looked at the world with loathing and fear. Now, as the boy looked at him and called his name, his smile was full of sunshine, and his eyes were bright and beautiful.

It seemed he had found a better doctor abroad who helped him.

Su Lixu smiled tenderly. “Xingran, it’s been a long time. You’ve changed so much I didn’t recognize you.”

Hearing Su Lixu call his name, Fu Xingran felt the heart that had been stagnant for four years come completely back to life. How had he survived these years? He had endured by relying on the mental image of Su Lixu smiling gently and calling his name.

He hated Su Lixu’s sudden departure, yet he couldn’t bear to truly hate him. He could only call out to him in his mind over and over. He knew it was a fantasy, but he couldn’t control it. Otherwise, how would he have lived until now?

The day he couldn’t find Su Lixu, he might have died.

His palms were damp and his heart was swelling with an aching fullness as he gazed at Su Lixu. “I should call you ‘Teacher’ now.” He stepped closer. “I can finally see you every day, Doctor Su.”

I missed you so much. Those last words were a whisper, almost a murmur, yet they were saturated with sadness and grievance.

Su Lixu met Fu Xingran’s gaze, which held an undisguised sense of hurt. Seeing those drooping eyes and hearing that whispered call, he felt as if he were looking at his younger brother who could never return. He instinctively averted his gaze.

He didn’t see an issue with “seeing each other every day,” as it was normal to meet at the same school.

“Teacher Su, since we haven’t seen each other in so long, can we talk?”

“Alright.”

Near noon, Su Lixu drove Fu Xingran to a nearby restaurant. Although he personally didn’t like eating out and had planned to cook at home since he had no afternoon classes, he felt a bit guilty for not recognizing Fu Xingran despite the boy lingering around him for days. He decided to treat the “young man” to a nice meal.

“What would you like to eat?”

Sitting in the passenger seat, Fu Xingran stared intensely at Su Lixu’s hand on the steering wheel. It was so beautiful he couldn’t bear to look away.

This hand had once fed him medicine. It had even held him when he lost control during a suicide attempt and helped bandage his wounds. The phantom warmth seemed to remain on his body, slightly cool like white jade, making him want that hand to do so much more.

Su Lixu didn’t hear an answer. He used his peripheral vision to glance at Fu Xingran and realized the guy was staring blankly at the steering wheel. “What’s wrong? Nothing you want to eat?”

Only then did Fu Xingran snap out of his fantasy. “What?”

“I remember you used to love sweets. Back then, you’d throw a tantrum if I told you to eat less sugar, and you’d even cry if you couldn’t have it.” Su Lixu smiled at the memory of the ward. “In the blink of an eye, you’ve grown so tall, it seems you’re taller than me now.”

As he spoke, he freed one hand to open a compartment and pulled out a gummy candy.

Fu Xingran was just wondering how this man could disappear so suddenly and then smile while mentioning the past, but the moment he saw the candy held out to him, he felt a sting in the deepest part of his heart, followed by a gentle caress.

He had been restricted from sweets for a long time, especially gummies. Gummies were like an addiction for him; the inability to have them in the past had made his craving intense. Once he was free to eat them, he couldn’t control his bingeing, even to the point of nausea, vomiting, or stomach ulcers. Later, because he was sick, his father wouldn’t let him eat them, so he threw tantrums and broke things just to get sugar.

He still couldn’t quit sugar now, but the addiction wasn’t as strong as before. He had a different addiction now, one that replaced the temptation of sugar and offered a different, fatal psychological lure.

“Teacher Su, why do you have candy here? Do you still remember I like sugar?”

Su Lixu watched the road. Hearing the question, his hand on the wheel tightened slightly as he hid the flicker in his eyes. He laughed. “How could I forget? You were the one who cried with snot and tears just to get a lick of a lollipop.”

Perhaps because the man’s voice was too gentle, Fu Xingran felt his hands and heart trembling. It was excitement.

“Then, can I still eat the donuts you make, Teacher Su?”

The light ahead turned red. Su Lixu brought the car to a stop. Suddenly, he felt a hand placed on his thigh, shaking it gently in a coaxing manner. He looked sideways at Fu Xingran.

Fu Xingran’s eyes were full of plea, his hand covering Su Lixu’s leg. “I really want to eat them. Can I, Teacher Su?”

Even though the child had grown up, Su Lixu felt that Fu Xingran was still the same person—he hadn’t changed. He was still the same clever person who would use any means to get what he wanted. He knew when to be soft and when to be firm.

Seeing that Su Lixu didn’t answer, Fu Xingran grew anxious. He wanted it too much. Keeping a smile on his face, he said, “Or if it’s inconvenient for Teacher Su, we can just buy one outside. It’s okay.”

“I happened to buy bread flour yesterday,” Su Lixu smiled. “And thanks to you helping me move things yesterday, I’ll make you some donuts as a thank you.”

Fu Xingran’s face instantly lit up, his eyes sparkling. “Really! So that means I can go to your house?”

“Yes, to my house.”

Fu Xingran withdrew his hand. He clenched the hand that had touched Su Lixu into his other palm along with the gummy, as if hiding the temperature, the sensation, and the sweetness away—just as he wanted to hide Su Lixu away.

Simultaneously, this good news sparked a wave of excitement that flooded his entire body.

His Teacher Su had invited him home.

What would Su Lixu’s home look like? Would it be filled with the scent of August osmanthus, feeling like Su Lixu’s embrace? What would his room be like? Would the blankets be dark or light? They would surely carry Su Lixu’s scent; lying on them would feel like being held by him.

Teacher Su was going to make him donuts. Would he wear an apron in the kitchen? Would the apron be patterned or plain? He would surely look so gentle, like a spouse preparing a meal. If he hugged him from behind, wouldn’t the scene be so tender?

If something “accidental” happened in the kitchen while he wore that apron, wouldn’t it just be an accident? Just like back then.

His breathing grew rapid, his state becoming exceptionally hyper. Fu Xingran was so immersed in his fantasy that he didn’t notice Su Lixu’s gaze.

Su Lixu quietly withdrew his eyes.

Years ago, Fu Xingran had undergone Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The goal was to know oneself, accept oneself, and change oneself. During the process, Fu Xingran showed that he completely accepted himself and knew exactly what he was doing, but he enjoyed it and refused to change.

Therefore, Fu Xingran’s BPD was different from Bipolar Disorder; the duration was different, and his depressive traits weren’t very obvious.

Because of this, during the year and a half of hospitalization, even when results seemed ideal, Fu Xingran would suddenly overturn all his progress with a single action. He knew exactly what stage he was at; he could control himself if he wanted to, or lose control if he chose. He could make treatment effective, or make it fail.

Psychological disorders are complex, and personality disorders even more so.

Fu Xingran’s emotional dysregulation was severe, but because he was too smart, his cognition was clear. He was even obsessed with his symptoms, fascinated by this self-forgetting madness. When he didn’t get what he wanted, he would self-harm or want to destroy the world; once he got it, the world became bright and beautiful.

Now, Fu Xingran looked like a normal person, but a closer look revealed the truth.

The breathing, the hyper-state, the clues were there in his radiant sunshine act. In the past, it was a fixation on oral satisfaction; once satisfied, he would act like this: breathing hard, extremely excited.

So now, what exactly was making Fu Xingran this excited?

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