Finding the Shape of Love - Chapter 4

“I’m home.”

“…Did you break up? Did you properly break up?”

“Hey hey, stop it at the entrance. Can’t we change clothes first and then talk properly?”

Sighing at my sister who’d been waiting for me, I entered the house. In times like these, you mustn’t panic. The trick to lying is to say it boldly, as if it’s nothing, and convince yourself it’s true too.

I deliberately took my time washing my hands, changing clothes, and making her wait until I finally plopped down on the chair.

“Speaking of which, you’re casually watching me change clothes, but you’re not looking at me with weird eyes, are you?”

“H-huh? A-aren’t you being overly self-conscious? If you’re going to say that, then you’ve helped me change clothes too, Onee-chan!”

Such an obvious overreaction. Her eyes darting around, making angry gestures as if she’s about to wave her arms around. This is definitely suspicious.

“Of course until now, I didn’t mind if you came in while I was changing. But well, I was attacked yesterday, and I found out that Yoko’s pretty perverted too.”

“W-who’s per-perverted?! D-don’t say weird things!”

“Eh… well, whatever.”

When Yoko had been cornered earlier, she’d blurted out something outrageous in the heat of the moment. So, it’s almost certain that Yoko is pretty perverted.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that itself. As long as she keeps it hidden enough that I wouldn’t notice unless told, it’s fine. I thought I had sexual desires too. Well, we’re sisters, so if it was just normal behavior, I wouldn’t even be surprised. I was surprised because there are limits.

Anyway, from now on I should avoid changing clothes together.

“So, Yoko. Well, yeah, I broke up.”

“Really?”

“What would I gain from lying? No, seriously, even though I haven’t fallen in love yet, unilaterally dumping someone takes a huge mental toll, so I’m never doing it again.”

When I said it lightly, she leaned in close to interrogate me, so I rested my elbows on the table, buried my face in my palms, and said it with a gloomy feeling.

Of course, I’m genuinely feeling depressed and fed up with the current situation, so my voice probably carried real emotion.

Even Yoko looked apologetic, fidgeting with her hands clasped together.

“…Onee-chan, I’m sorry. I know I’m asking for too much. But, even so… I can’t stand seeing you dating someone you don’t really love.”

“Then, if I were to become lovers with someone I truly love, you wouldn’t interfere?”

“…”

Couldn’t you at least nod even if it’s a lie? When I stared at her, Yoko, who had been pursing her lips tightly, glared at me for some reason.

“Onee-chan, why won’t you understand? I really love you? So why do you say such cruel things? Is it because we’re sisters?”

Wow, what a spoiled thing to say. That’s my honest impression.

“Normally, I’m only listening to you because we’re sisters? Even though we’ve gotten along well until now, for someone who never gave any hint of liking me to suddenly say ‘I actually love you, break up with your girlfriend’ is crazy. Even if you had confessed, you’re supposed to give up once the other person gets a lover. Because we’re sisters, I think I’m being incredibly kind to you.”

Even though she’s only 13, it’s an age where it wouldn’t be strange to know about love in society. There are probably even classmates who have lovers.

Normally, “break up because I love you” isn’t something you say to someone who isn’t your lover or anything like that. At that point, no matter how close friends you were before, they’d be put off and want to distance themselves.

However, she’s my really cute little sister, and I’m used to her selfishness as a sister, so even when she says she loves me, I feel happy thinking “was she really that blindly attached to me?” and I don’t feel bad about it.

“Th…that might be true. But, you’re my Onee-chan, aren’t you?”

“That’s why I’m being kind to you. I love you, Yoko. You’re my cute little sister. But, as a lover? Not at all. I have absolutely no interest in that. What do you think, Yoko? If someone who has zero interest in you said the kinds of things you just said to me?”

Wouldn’t you think they’re playing the victim, or they’re annoying, or they’re too selfish to be a tyrant, or rather they’re the perpetrator, right?

I wouldn’t say that to your face, of course, but do you at least realize that much yourself?

“…I know. I know it’s crazy too. But I love you. Really, from now on, I’ll work hard to make you see me not as your little sister, but as a woman. I’ll work hard to become your lover.”

“…”

My honest feeling right now is that no matter what you do, it’s impossible. Even if you work hard, it’s just a bother. But saying that would be too cruel.

I might say it if it were someone else, but it’s Yoko. Really, even her hateful face is cute.

“Alright alright, do what you want. However, now that I know what Yoko’s like, don’t come into my room without knocking from now on. And I won’t come into your room either, so from now on wake up by yourself and change clothes by yourself.”

“Eh!? E-even if I compromise on the changing clothes part, isn’t it okay for you to wake me up in the morning!?”

Even though I reluctantly gave permission, for some reason she made a face like “That’s terrible!” She’s a bit teary-eyed and cute, but I definitely don’t intend to back down here.

“No, it’s not okay. I don’t want to go into Yoko’s room.”

“U…”

Because you might be doing that kind of thing and falling asleep, right? To be honest, there were times I suspected it, but as an adult I let it slide. But if you’re doing it thinking of me, that changes things, so no way.

“Y-you don’t have to hate me that much.”

“I don’t hate you. Love love. But if you want to be lovers, then being treated like a little sister won’t do, will it? Do your best.”

“…Yeah. I’ll do my best.”

At my casual encouragement, Yoko made a determined face and nodded seriously. I said it in the heat of the moment, but it would be weird for me to cheer her on, right?

With that, Yoko left the room. Even so, does she really love me that much? When Koume said it, I was just purely a little happy, but with Yoko it feels different.

I rolled over a cushion and lay down on the floor to think.

Romance. I’d just become interested because of the Koume situation. I didn’t have feelings for Koume, so in terms of suddenly confessing, Yoko’s position should be the same. But still, it’s different.

With Koume, we’re not related by blood so we could even get married, but with my actual sister it’s impossible, and society would treat it as forbidden love. Well, of course. Biologically we’re made to avoid that, there are subtle power dynamics between relatives, and there’s no escape. Precisely because you can’t easily cut ties, it’s a delicate issue.

If this were about other people, like if a friend said they were dating their sibling, I could just go “huh” and move on. I’m not really interested in who dates whom to begin with, and I don’t think I have prejudices about things that don’t concern me.

But it’s me. Yoko loves me. I can’t just go “huh” and move on.

I’ve never really thought about romantic preferences or specific types. But I do have feelings for Koume right now. I think she’s cute.

So does that mean I prefer fluffy, girly girls who are openly all “I love you I love you” and obvious puppy-like girls?

…Hmm. Yoko too, while her hair color is the same as mine, it’s a bit curly, and while she’s cheeky, I can tell she loves me, and I do feel she has a puppy-like cuteness.

But I can’t imagine her as a lover. I’ve never thought of her that way before either, and honestly, Yoko is selfish. She’s cute because she’s my sister, but why would I want to do all sorts of things to take care of a lover? Like carrying them piggyback on the way home because their feet are tired from going out together—I’d absolutely hate that kind of lover.

Even putting personality aside, her small appearance that looks like a middle schooler, or rather even an elementary schooler, makes me think I wouldn’t want her as a lover. Even if she were a complete stranger, if that little kid confessed to me, I wouldn’t become her lover even temporarily.

Being lovers means doing those kinds of things too. I don’t feel like touching Yoko’s body. Well, being touched by her didn’t feel bad though. Maybe because she does it to herself a lot, it didn’t feel bad. Yeah, well, that’s that.

Speaking of which, though it’s late now, would Koume and I eventually have that kind of relationship? Hmm, I see… It’s not that it wouldn’t happen, or rather it’s more likely than not, to be honest I don’t know about lovers, but because of what happened with Yoko yesterday, I’ve become a bit interested in interpersonal battles.

But becoming lovers for that purpose is different too. I’ll try to face Koume seriously and properly from now on.

And then Yoko. Well, with Yoko, it’s basically clear that she’s just not my type. It’s unfortunate for Yoko, but for her sake too, from now on I need to clearly reject what’s impossible as impossible.

At first, I let her kiss me however she wanted because it was bothersome, but that wasn’t good either. I should be more careful.

I’ve been taking too much care of Yoko until now, haven’t I? Looking after her from morning till night. No wonder Yoko misunderstood. Or rather, I’m starting to think she might just be too perverted and is targeting me because I’m close by.

Anyway, I need to create some distance and help Yoko become independent and self-reliant emotionally. Until then, I should probably keep Koume a secret. Well, I don’t know if it will last that long though. Yeah. Okay. That’s that.

I’m tired from everything today, so I decided to take a nap. Holiday evenings make you sleepy, don’t they?

○

“…Wah!?”

“Waaa!”

My consciousness surfaced gently, and as I opened my eyes wondering what time it was, Yoko’s face was right in front of me, so I reflexively slapped her hard with my right hand.

“O-ow…”

Holding the side of her head, Yoko crouched on the floor.

“Huh, what?”

“I-I just came to call you for dinner! I knocked but there was no answer, so I just came in… How cruel!”

“Eh, sorry. But you weren’t just waking me up, were you? There’s no need to be that close, and you were probably trying to attack me in my sleep, right?”

“I-I wasn’t doing that! It’s mean to suspect me without any evidence!”

I didn’t hear her voice in the moment between waking up and opening my eyes, and she was close to begin with, so from the circumstantial evidence that if she really wasn’t doing anything she’d be angry and using foul language, I suspect she’s lying. But true, there’s no clear evidence.

“Okay okay. Sorry, Yoko. I thought for sure you were trying to kiss me.”

“…I-it’s different this time. But I said I didn’t mind it. Is it not okay?”

“I said that was fine as sisterly skin contact. I won’t kiss someone who wants to be my lover.”

“…That’s unfair.”

No, there’s nothing unfair about it, and rather Yoko, who used her position as a sister to attack me, is the most unfair one, right.

I resolved in my heart that from now on, I’ll properly lock my room door.