Finding the Shape of Love - Chapter 14

My nighttime calls with Koume always make me feel like my tongue gets looser than usual, probably because we can’t see each other’s faces. Not satisfied with just bluntly asking Koume when and why she started liking me, I end up throwing another question her way.

“How did you know your feelings for me were romantic? Does it feel different from regular liking?”

Even I think it’s kind of a stupid question. Childish. But I don’t know, so it can’t be helped. I like Koume. I like Yoko too. And I like my family and other friends. But if you ask me whether it’s romantic feelings, it doesn’t click. It feels like affection takes different shapes for different people.

Koume seemed a bit flustered by my question.

“Um, well… The fact that you’re asking that question – does that mean you’ve never been in love before, senpai? Not even a crush?”

“Ah, yeah. Embarrassingly enough.”

“No! There’s nothing embarrassing about it. These things vary from person to person. Actually, I’m happy. That I can be your first.”

Huh? Is she speaking as if she’s decided she’ll be the first person I fall in love with? Koume, well, she was like this when she confessed too – she’s pushy, or rather strong-willed. Even though she looks like a soft, fluffy, cute girl and her way of speaking is considerate and ladylike. Well, I’m kind of weak-willed, so maybe someone who pulls me along suits me better.

“But, well. What’s most different is that when I look at Asahi-senpai, my heart goes doki-doki.”

“Hmm. But your heart races when you’re surprised too, right? Is it like that feeling lasts continuously?”

“Yes, that’s it. Hmm, it’s kind of difficult to explain verbally when you put me on the spot. That senpai is special is… how should I say… something you understand instinctively.”

“Instinctively?”

Koume lowered her voice slightly as she said that. Though she sounded like she was joking, there was something sensual and shadowy about it that made me feel all shivery.

“Today too, when you let me hold your hand, you’re the only one who makes my heart race like that… A-and things like kissing, you’re the only one I think about wanting to do that with someday.”

“Ah…”

So that’s where romantic feelings settle? Wanting to have special physical contact with someone that you don’t have with others?

…I don’t particularly mind doing that kind of thing with Koume, and thinking about it does make my heart race. With Yoko it was so sudden I didn’t have time to think, but looking back now, that was pretty intense.

I didn’t feel anything particular about the kiss, but my chest did make me feel that way. Well, it’s just a physical reaction.

And earlier too, well, she showed me up close and she smelled amazing too, it’s not about Yoko herself, you’d just feel that way, right? I’d calmed down during my conversation with Koume, but somehow, I’m starting to feel that way again. Hmm.

“Thanks for telling me. But I still don’t really get it.”

“I see…”

I feel bad for making Koume so obviously dejected – I can practically see her shoulders drooping – but even when I held Koume’s hand, I didn’t feel like it was different from holding anyone else’s.

Still, it’s not like I’m so heartless that I can just leave Koume like that. I already care about her deeply. It’s just that I don’t think it’s romantic feelings.

“Yeah. I don’t mind imagining kissing Koume, and I could do it. But I still don’t really get why that makes it special.”

“Eh!? Th-that’s how it feels!? So, it’s not that you can’t imagine that kind of contact with me?”

“Huh? Ah, yeah. I do like you, Koume. So, kissing and stuff, I don’t mind it.”

If anything, since Yoko kissed me like that, wouldn’t it be more fair to do it once with Koume too? I even feel that way. Setting aside what we did as sisters, the other day was after she confessed. I was surprised and did it without thinking, but looking back now, I should have properly refused.

I said it lightly like that, but Koume made a low, groaning sound.

“…Uu, uuu, isn’t that kind of cheating?”

“Eh, sorry. What do you mean?”

“Because. I thought that kind of thing should happen after we properly become mutual… but when you say it like that, I, well, end up wanting to do it too. And then I start thinking that even through that kind of behavior, I could make Asahi-senpai aware of me.”

“Koume…”

What a cute thing to say. Maybe it’s just that my comparison is terrible, but the way she says it while being embarrassed is cute too.

Or rather, when she says it so directly with that hot voice that makes it sound like she’s feeling that way right now, even though I was already in that mood, it’s not just random arousal – I’m gradually becoming more aware of Koume’s presence.

But somehow, when it gets like this, I get really curious. Can I ask this question? …It should be fine. It’s nighttime. And the mood feels right.

“Um, please don’t think I’m a pervert for asking this, but… do you, like, touch yourself at night while thinking about me?”

“Eh? …Ah… um, Asahi-senpai. That’s really too embarrassing, but do I have to answer?”

“S-sorry.”

That was a no. Of course. We haven’t even been dating for a week, and on top of that it’s provisional while I’m stringing her along, so asking something like that is definitely no good.

After a moment of seeming not to understand, like she was puzzled, then catching up with understanding, I properly apologized to Koume’s voice that was both embarrassed and accusatory.

“But, well, that’s practically an answer in itself, right?”

“…Senpai, are you, like, the type who has strong, um, sexual desires?”

“Eh, well. Probably yes.”

After answering, I felt a bit embarrassed, but since I was the one who asked something even more embarrassing earlier, I should answer honestly here.

“…U-understood!”

“Huh?”

As I was thinking about what kind of conversation to have from here in this awkwardness, suddenly Koume ignored the previous flow of quiet talking and raised her voice loudly.

“If senpai wants it, no, if senpai doesn’t mind, please let me have you!”

Was she going to change the subject to something that completely shifted the atmosphere? I waited, but Koume made an outrageous declaration with high energy.

“Um, I don’t have experience, but I’ll do my best! If you give me the chance, I’ll definitely make senpai feel good, and I’ll work so hard that you can’t live without me!”

“W-whoa.”

She said something incredible. Making me unable to live without her. Wow. That’s dangerous. Isn’t that dangerous even if we’re dating?

“…Do you mind it?”

W-well, if you’re asking if I mind it, well?

“I-I don’t mind it, but right now it’s still a bit early, I think.”

“Zu… mmm. Yes. Th-that’s right, isn’t it? It’s still early.”

To my flustered response, Koume gave an agreeing sound that was somewhat muffled, like she was holding something back. Damn, it’s the worst that I brought it up and then removed the ladder.

But still, saying “then let’s do it” is really, I need some mental preparation. Not that I mind it, of course.

“Yeah… um, sorry. It’s because I said something weird, right? Sorry. Um, it’s not like I’m always thinking about that kind of thing. It’s just, somehow today I ended up in that kind of mood.”

“U-understood. There are times when you feel that way.”

Whether she sensed my apologeticness or my desire to follow up, Koume nodded with a voice that wasn’t exactly cheerful but was somewhat brighter.

“Yeah… um, let’s go to sleep. It’s late. Yeah.”

“Y-yes, that’s right.”

“Well, I need to use the bathroom too, so I’ll hang up. Good night.”

“Ah, yes. Then I’ll get ready for bed too. Yes. Excuse me.”

Thinking that she didn’t respond with “good night” in return, I ended the call.

The time was past eleven, when Koume said she goes to sleep. Did we talk a bit too late? I still have to use the bathroom, but I could put in one more effort after this and still be like usual, or something.

Anyway, I went to the bathroom and came back. Returned to my room and locked the door. Made sure it was properly locked. Though saying that, Yoko is probably asleep by now.

“…”

Well, yeah. There’s no way I can fall asleep right away after that kind of conversation. No, I did think about it this morning? Since I used Yoko as material, maybe I should do Koume too.

But it’s not like anyone knows what’s in my heart, and it’s just coming from my guilt, not like I seriously need to. So, um… the fact that I’m in that mood now is just normally because of Koume.

Well, either way I can’t sleep in this state, so should I do it! Hmm, how should I imagine it? Koume seems like the type who would devote herself to me. I wonder what that would be like. Probably like this—

Bzzt bzzt bzzt—

“…”

My phone charging by my bedside made a sound. With my half-extended hand, I picked up the phone – it was Koume.

I couldn’t help but startle. I hope I’m not already being monitored. But I haven’t started anything yet, and I’m not making any noise.

“Hello, what’s up?”

“Eh? Yes. Um, normally, I finished getting ready for bed.”

“Huh?”

“Yes… Ah, did you forget? Um, I think we talked about doing something like falling asleep while on call.”

Ah. I forgot. I completely forgot. Eh, so we’re going to stay connected while sleeping? That’s it, right? Eh, then I can’t do anything weird.

“Ah, today?”

“Ah, are you going to study or something from now? Sorry. If it’s too much, it’s fine.”

“Ah… it’s okay.”

“Good. I’m going to sleep now, but if senpai is still awake, you can do whatever you like.”

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“Then, good night, Koume-senpai.”

“Yeah, good night again.”

The phone went quiet. If I stayed still, I could faintly hear breathing – was she placing it next to her head? They can definitely hear the same thing on their end, right? Even if I don’t make sounds, they can hear my breathing – it’s definitely impossible.

…I’ll sleep.

I gave up and decided to sleep. Well, it’s not like I’m some sex-crazed monster who absolutely has to do it or else. I’m not Yoko, after all. Yes.

Feeling Koume’s breathing, somehow feeling my heart race, I managed to fall asleep.