Dating Myself - Chapter 36

The streetlights were dim, the road was empty, and the plane trees lining the sidewalks stretched their bare, withered branches, a few dead leaves rustling in the wind.

An Mu had only made a casual joke, but Jian Yixi instinctively stopped walking.

An Mu’s arm was still linked in hers. When Jian Yixi stopped, An Mu took one step, sensed something was wrong, and stopped too, turning to look at her.

Jian Yixi was slightly shorter than her, looking up at her with her chin slightly raised. The hood of her jacket obscured the light, casting her entire face in shadow, with only the tip of her nose catching a faint gleam. The creamy white fur fringe of the hood fluttered in the light and shadow, intermittently revealing her soft, dark, and complex eyes.

Jian Yixi’s eyes were usually clear and easy to read. It was rare to see such a complicated expression.

—Did I accidentally say something wrong just now?

“What is it?” An Mu asked.

Jian Yixi looked down, her long, curled lashes trembling with hesitation. After a long moment, she stammered out a phrase.

“I… my gender is female.”

—That’s completely out of the blue.

An Mu slightly raised her eyebrows.

—What exactly is she trying to say?

Jian Yixi looked up, quickly stealing a glance at her. As if to hide her guilt, she continued walking, and the arm linked in An Mu’s subtly and surreptitiously pulled away.

“You know what I’m going to say next, right?”

—Gender female… preference male?

This was an old joke for An Mu, but for the sixteen-year-old Jian Yixi, it was a currently trending joke, often used by classmates.

However, why did Jian Yixi suddenly bring this up?

An Mu lightly pursed her red lips, her clear, bright eyes shifting slightly left and right. Light flickered in her pupils. Smart as she was, she quickly connected it to the last thing she had said.

—Could she have misunderstood something because of that ‘Mandarin Ducks separated’ joke?

—No way?

She remembered that her sixteen-year-old self had heard of lesbianism but knew very little about it and would never have applied it to herself, unless…

Unless Mao Mao had been talking nonsense.

An Mu pretended not to understand, looking at Jian Yixi with an air of calm indifference.

Jian Yixi’s gaze awkwardly darted away. Her arm, which had pulled away from An Mu’s, was now completely unlinked.

“Well… my gender is female, and my preference is… male! So… uh… you understand, right?”

“It’s just that… I’ve always considered you a friend, my best friend! Bestie! Girlfriend [meaning best friend], understand?”

An Mu laughed inwardly. She had guessed correctly.

“Why do you keep saying ‘Mhm’? Do you understand or not?”

“Does that ‘Mhm’ mean you understand?”

This answer clearly didn’t satisfy Jian Yixi.

Jian Yixi looked at her worriedly. An Mu’s unwavering, gentle smile seemed to sting her, making Jian Yixi’s expression even more troubled and complex.

Jian Yixi tilted her head back and took a deep breath. Her hood slid down, revealing her cloud-like black hair. Her profile, along with her slender, fair neck, was bathed in soft, warm light.

Turning back to face her, Jian Yixi’s clear eyes held a sea of stars, but that sea was sinking to the bottom. The light in her eyes dimmed. The complex conflict remained, but a sense of resolute determination was added.

Her voice was formal and solemn, devoid of any hint of jest, making one involuntarily take her seriously.

Jian Yixi turned around, even more serious than when she had just vowed never to break up with her.

“I… I’ve always considered you a friend, truly my best friend. From the moment I can remember until now, and from now on, you will always be my best, best friend!

I… I only feel friendship for you, nothing else, and there can’t be anything else.

I’m not saying this to discriminate against homosexuality or anything. I don’t discriminate, but I’m stating a fact: I really cannot fall in love with you. Not just you, I can’t fall for any girl. This is an issue of sexual orientation.

I was unsure whether you liked me before, so I didn’t dare to say anything. But now I’m certain, and I have to say it, while our time together hasn’t been too long and everything is still salvageable.

I don’t want to drag it out until one day we can’t even be friends anymore.

Can you understand what I’m saying, An Mu?”

She had said it so directly. How low would one’s IQ have to be to not understand?

Although Jian Yixi was very serious and earnest, An Mu only wanted to laugh.

Perhaps this was the difference that age makes. Twenty-eight-year-old herself looked at sixteen-year-old herself, just as sixteen-year-old herself looked back on ten-year-old herself.

Ten-year-old herself thought her parents didn’t love her because she was made to kneel. She seriously packed her bags, said goodbye to her friends with her piggy bank, but before she could even find the bus station, her Adoptive Mother chased her down and brought her home.

This was both childish and hilarious in the eyes of her sixteen-year-old self.

Sixteen-year-old herself was more or less the same in An Mu’s eyes.

Logically, no matter how much she wanted to laugh at a time like this, she should hold it in. Jian Yixi was genuinely worried and had bravely spoken up after a lot of internal conflict. She valued their relationship, so An Mu should respond with the same serious attitude.

But quite the opposite. Precisely at this moment, she shouldn’t answer too seriously. That would only make Jian Yixi doubt the credibility of her answer.

An Mu curved her lips, her smile deepening. Her naturally subtle under-eye bags became more prominent with the smile, bringing life to her otherwise cool and aloof face, like the first thaw of snow and the first hint of spring blossoms.

“I understand, but…”

“But what?”

“But I still like you.”

Jian Yixi’s eyes widened slightly. Her breathing instantly froze. She instinctively raised a hand to press against her chest. It took her a while to catch her breath. Her cheeks rapidly flushed red, and the tips of her ears were crimson.

This scene felt familiar. An Mu recalled the last time she helped Jian Yixi open a Coke bottle; Jian Yixi’s reaction seemed similar.

So she had been suspicious since then?

I can’t believe she managed to hold it in until now.

She probably agonized over it many times in the interim, right?

Is this… the worry of youth?

Compared to An Mu’s composed calm, Jian Yixi felt like she was dying. Even breathing was labored.

“You… did you misunderstand? I mean…”

“I understand. You’re saying you’re straight, you can’t be gay, and you can’t like me.”

“Then why are you still…”

An Mu smiled. “Haven’t you heard that phrase? You don’t have to like me, but you can’t extinguish my right to like you.”

Jian Yixi clutched her chest, her ribs heaving violently. She was seriously about to pass out, genuinely suffocating!!!

“Uh… can’t we just be friends? Friends!”

An Mu saw that the moment was ripe. Jian Yixi was on the verge of tears. She finally laughed and lightly pressed a bent finger to her own forehead.

“Don’t be silly. I have someone I like. It’s not you.”

“R-Really?”

The sudden shift made Jian Yixi a little suspicious.

“Of course it’s real. Do you remember the last post I made on V-Blog in France?”

Jian Yixi pondered briefly, and her eyes lit up.

“You mean the one… ‘I’m looking at the scenery, who are you looking at?'”

“Exactly. ‘I’m looking at the scenery here, who are you looking at within the scenery.’ That ‘you’ is the person I like.”

When faced with a situation like this, retreating to advance has higher credibility than a direct, serious denial. However, that still doesn’t eliminate suspicion fundamentally. Therefore, the best solution is to first retreat to advance, and then bring up a seemingly credible shield. That way, suspicion can be completely cleared.

Jian Yixi only thought for a moment before decisively believing her, and then she froze in shock.

Wasn’t this the quintessential example of jumping to conclusions?!

Jian Yixi was so mortified and embarrassed. She pulled up her hood to cover her face, walking straight ahead with her head down, mumbling incoherently.

“This is so humiliating. I really am… I… An Mu, don’t look at me. Just let me walk alone for a bit. I can’t take this. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!”

An Mu chuckled and shook her head, following two steps behind her, matching her pace, neither far nor near. They walked for two intersections until Jian Yixi finally managed to suppress the urge to die from embarrassment.

She stopped and exaggeratedly sighed several times, looking up.

“That Xie Mao Mao, you’re finished! When I get back, I’m going to murder that little brat!”

It was Mao Mao talking nonsense after all.

An Mu, whose mood had been low due to her Adoptive Father’s earlier words, swept away the gloom. For the first time in twelve years, she smiled so continuously.

Her smile was silent, so Jian Yixi didn’t hear it. Jian Yixi finally mustered the courage to turn back to call An Mu to walk together, only to meet An Mu’s full smile. Her face instantly flushed scarlet again. She almost stumbled on her small, quick steps of embarrassment and instantly turned back around.

Fortunately, a roadside restaurant saved Jian Yixi. The two entered the establishment and ordered two portions of noodles. They skipped the cold dishes and ordered a small, warm Spicy Hot Pot, which was just right for the two of them. With a few bites of food, the awkwardness naturally dissipated.

They chatted and laughed all the way back to Jian Yixi’s house. The house wasn’t far from the hospital. To be precise, the entire small county town was so small that nothing was really far away.

Returning to the home she hadn’t seen in a long time, An Mu’s heart was subtly touched. Everything felt familiar, even the rusty courtyard gate seemed welcoming.

The house was just as she remembered: a terrazzo floor, old wooden furniture, and the table was covered with things, messy but organized.

Jian Yixi apologized as she walked, tidying up as she went, at least clearing a spot on the sofa to sit.

“My house is messy. Please don’t mind it.”

“Messy houses have a lively feel.”

Messy didn’t mean dirty. Adoptive Mother was quite diligent, so the house was relatively clean.

Jian Yixi led her into her own room. The room was exactly as she had left it, with nothing moved. Only the previously packed desk was empty of books, making it seem much tidier than the living room.

Beside the desk was a small 1.35m single bed. The bedding was rolled up and covered with a plastic sheet.

Jian Yixi rubbed her nearly frozen hands. The house was cold. There was no air conditioning or heating, relying solely on a stove in the winter. Since no one had been home all day, the stove had died out, and the room was like an ice cellar.

Jian Yixi pulled off the plastic sheet and spread the bedding. She touched the icy quilt and sighed, turning to An Mu.

“How about I take you to a hotel after all? Hotels at least have air conditioning, so it won’t be cold, and you can take a shower. We can’t shower here.”

An Mu was wearing her down jacket hood and had her hands tucked into her pockets. While she wasn’t quite shivering yet, it was only because the walk had kept her warm. Her school skirt and short jacket weren’t warm at all. The classroom heating was always adequate, and normally the walk home was short enough not to feel the cold. But staying here was different. In an old house like this, she’d be frozen solid very quickly.

Most old houses had this problem: they were damp and cold in the winter, though quite cool in the summer.

An Mu walked over and touched the bedding. It wasn’t damp, so it must have been aired out when the weather was nice. Otherwise, it would have smelled musty after a whole winter.

“It’s fine. Just make a hot water bottle.”

“The stove is out. We can’t boil water.”

“There should be a thermos.”

Jian Yixi went to the living room and lifted the familiar red Double Happiness thermos. It was full. When she opened the wooden stopper, thick white steam billowed out. The insulation was still quite good.

Jian Yixi was overjoyed.

“I’ll make you a hot water bottle. We can use the rest of the water to wash up, and there’ll still be a little left to drink.”

It was almost midnight, and they had to get up early tomorrow. Neither wasted time. An Mu went to the courtyard to fetch some cold water. The enamel basin clanged as it hit the ground.

Meanwhile, Jian Yixi had already filled the rubber hot water bottle and tucked it into the bed.

The water was scarce, so they couldn’t be too demanding. After washing up, they still saved a little water for brushing their teeth in the morning. They could use cold water for their face, but definitely not for their teeth.

While their feet were still warm, Jian Yixi urged An Mu to get into bed.

The hot water bottle had only warmed a small area around the opening of the quilt. It was warm when sitting, but her feet, which would eventually rest on the hot water bottle, would take a while to warm up.

An Mu didn’t lie down immediately. She sat propped against the headboard in her down jacket, watching Jian Yixi tuck in the inner quilt, then pull the heavier outer quilt over the top and tuck that in securely. Jian Yixi then turned as if to leave.

“The light cord is far. I’ll just pull it for you.”

An Mu frowned. “Aren’t you sleeping?”

“I am. I’ll sleep in my parents’ room.”

“Won’t you be cold?”

Jian Yixi smiled. “If I’m cold, I’ll be cold. I won’t take off my clothes to sleep. I’ll warm up soon.”

An Mu mercilessly exposed her. “Impossible. You won’t warm up even after an entire night. Either you come to bed, or you take the hot water bottle.”

No one understood An Mu better than herself.

Jian Yixi naturally had cold hands and feet. In the summer, anyone she touched felt comfortable. In the winter, no one wanted to touch her. Without a hot water bottle, her feet would be icy all night. The colder they got, the less she’d dare to stretch her legs. The more she curled up, the colder she’d be. Wearing socks was useless because the socks themselves would have no warmth.

“I don’t need it. You use it. My parents’ quilt is thick. It’s warm.”

“Sleeping in your clothes makes you prone to catching a cold. What if you get sick tomorrow? What if you infect me? The exam is coming up.”

An Mu paused, then smiled slightly.

“You don’t still think I like you, do you?”

At that, Jian Yixi’s small body instantly straightened. Her eyelashes, coated with faint light, fluttered like butterfly wings in the wind.

“Don’t use reverse psychology. It won’t work!”

“Fine, I understand. Go to sleep then.”

The smile on An Mu’s lips faded. She expressionlessly took off her down jacket and placed it over the quilt. She also took off her uniform jacket and wool vest, getting into bed in only her school shirt. She lay down flat, deftly tucking the quilt edge around herself, and closed her eyes.

“Turn off the light.”

Jian Yixi grasped the light cord but didn’t pull it.

—Why does turning off the light feel like admitting she still doesn’t believe An Mu?

“Uh… that… the bed is small. It won’t fit two people.”

An Mu kept her eyes closed, ignoring her. Even if she said she was truly afraid of Jian Yixi catching a cold and infecting her, Jian Yixi probably wouldn’t believe it.

But it was true.

In her past life, the illness she suffered most frequently was the common cold, and each time brought bad memories.

That time, after her bra was pulled off and she was drenched with water, she caught a cold—a hot cold that was slow to heal, dragging on for half a month.

What she remembered most vividly was constantly being unable to find toilet paper during that time. Even if she brought a full roll, someone would throw it away, either directly into the toilet, the sink, or toss it out of the window, not caring if it hit anyone.

They liked to watch her uncontrollable snot. Every time she sniffed, a group of people would laugh, and their heckling couldn’t be stopped even during class.

She was even thrown out of the classroom by the subject teacher once for supposedly disrupting other students.

Many classmates bullied her, but most were just hecklers. There were only two true leaders, both from Class 11: one was the Sports Committee member, and the other was a classmate close to him.

Both of them had a crush on Jian Yihu, and both had been rejected by her.

Jian Yihu was skilled at sowing discord. She deliberately rejected the two of them, inciting them to vent their resentment toward her onto the similar-looking An Mu.

It wasn’t just resentment, but also some shameful, vulgar thoughts.

Thinking of this, An Mu thought of that other incident. The unknown is the most dangerous. She wasn’t sure if that incident was an accident or intentional. She would try her best to hold onto her spot in the elite class. If she truly couldn’t, she would have an open and honest talk with Jian Yixi. Though Jian Yixi was still naive, she had matured significantly and shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

Just as she was thinking, click, the light went out. The door closed. A faint light from a cell phone shone in. Jian Yixi had finally been goaded and meekly climbed onto the bed.

An Mu was lying closer to the outside, and the quilt was already warm. Jian Yixi naturally couldn’t push her to the cold inner side, so she had to climb over her to get to the inside. She took off her skirt and, wearing leggings, pulled the quilt open and slid in.

With An Mu warming the bed, the quilt was quite warm. The only issue was that the bed was truly small. Lying flat was impossible for both of them. At most, one could lie flat while the other was on their side.

An Mu lay on her side facing outward. The room was pitch black, lit only by the faint glow of Jian Yixi’s phone screen.

Jian Yixi warmed up for a moment, then rustled as she took off more clothes until she was only in her shirt, and finally settled in.

The phone screen went dark, and the room was completely plunged into darkness.

Jian Yixi lay flat for a bit, felt crowded, and wormed her way around, turning to lie on her side facing An Mu.

“Are you still mad?”

“No.”

“I really believe you.”

“Don’t keep saying ‘Mhm.’ I’m getting a complex.”

An Mu was tired.

Jian Yixi couldn’t sleep.

“Can you tell me? Who is the person you like?”

—Sleepy. Why is she talking so much?

An Mu said, “It’s just… that ‘him’ in the scenery.”

“Which ‘him’?”

How should she know? She doesn’t have An Mu’s memories.

If she said he was a classmate, Jian Yixi would definitely ask, You came back to China, what about him?

If she said he was in China, Jian Yixi would definitely ask, Where in China? When will he come to see you? When will you go to see him?

No matter how she answered, Jian Yixi would likely ask a barrage of questions.

And the biggest fear for a lie is the snowball effect. The more it rolls, the bigger it gets, the more lies you tell, and eventually, one part will be exposed.

The best way was to tell the fewest lies and end the conversation.

“Don’t ask… It’s impossible for me and him to be together.”

“Ah? Why? Is he… your teacher?”

Teacher-student relationships are taboo in every country.

—Could it be that An Mu only helped Qi Liran as a side note, and she actually transferred schools due to the pressure of a teacher-student relationship?!

Even sleepy, An Mu could guess what Jian Yixi was currently imagining.

“Don’t ask. I don’t want to talk about it. It makes me sad to even bring him up.”

OK, conversation over.

Jian Yixi indeed fell silent, her warm breath hitting An Mu’s neck. There was a faint sigh, presumably thinking she had brought up a topic she shouldn’t have.

However, in reality, Jian Yixi’s mind was in chaos.

Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could vaguely see An Mu’s pale nape. Jian Yixi stared at her neck, her mind filled with: It’s impossible for An Mu and that person, impossible, impossible…

Why am I feeling a little happy?

Her friend was in a hopeless relationship. She should be comforting her. What did it mean to be secretly delighted?

Am I really that awful?

They say that close friendships are often shallow, that best friends can’t stand to see their friend doing better than them. Could this be true?

Impossible! At least, I definitely don’t think that!

Besides, An Mu is the one who’s miserable right now. This isn’t about her doing better than me…

So, am I actually a person who builds her happiness on the suffering of others?

At sixteen, with an unstable moral compass, Jian Yixi was on the verge of self-doubt.

No, no, this is wrong. An Mu is sad. I should comfort her. I must comfort her!

An Mu was just about to drift off to sleep when two soft mounds suddenly pressed against her back. The rustling of the quilt sounded, and Jian Yixi’s arm wrapped around her. An Mu’s sleepiness instantly vanished, banished by the cold.

“Don’t be sad… You’ll definitely meet your soulmate.”

—Take your icy claws off me.